Chapter 19: Fading Polaroid

My eyes were the first to forget. The face I once cradled between my hands, now a blur. And your voice is slowly drifting from my memory, like a fading polaroid. But the way I felt is still crystal clear. Like it was yesterday.

There are philosophers who claim the past, present, and future all exist in one time. And the way I have felt, the way I feel ---that bittersweet ache between wanting and having---is evidence of their theory.

I felt you before I knew you and I still feel you now. And in that brief moment, between---wrapped in your arms thinking, how lucky I am, how lucky I am, how lucky I am---

How lucky I was.

Bom: Ladiesssss, we’re getting UNTITLED 2017!

Dara had her forehead creased when she read her friend’s message in their GC. She just woke up, all dazed but beautiful. She turned to look at her right, and the clean-shaved light brown-haired man of hers is peacefully sleeping.

What time did he go home? She thought. She’s been too tired to even notice him arriving.

CL: LOOOOOOL!!!

BOM: Kwai is such a dangerous dangerous app!

DARA: Are we talking about Jiyong’s café?

BOM: No, we’re talking about the 2017 version of his song.

DARA: I don’t get it…

BOM: Wait for it on Naver.

CL: Unniee, just tell her.

BOM: Wait where’s Jiyong?!

DARA: Sleeping cutely. (^-*)

BOM: tell him he’s cute with that cat ears…

CL: OMOOOOOO!!!! Darong~are you sure you have no idea?!

DARA: I am beaaattt, last night. I just slept I did not even notice Jiyong coming in. What the hell is going on?

BOM: Some namja got into a dating scandal again.

DARA: …

CL: IT’s not yet treated like that, Lee Jooyeon-ssi uploaded a Kwai video of them.

DARA: aaah! He went out last night.

BOM: With women?!

DARA: kkkk. NO, he’s with Taehee and others. Wae? I often go out with guy friends too.

BOM: Yeaaah…Jiyong floods your messages tho…

DARA: I was dead tired last night, but he was updating me.

Dara felt his tatted arms loop around her waist, successfully spooning her. Jiyong is still in his deep slumber, she can still hear his light snores. Her cuddle buddy might be trending right now but he’s still peacefully dreaming.

BOM: Anyways, you might want to check the latest gossip… Aigoo. Don’t you hate it when Jiyong can’t say no?!

So Bommie decided to play the devil.

CL: OPPA, is nice, unnies. That’s it. It’s up to the women if they take it with malice.

Chaerin is the angel.

DARA: Owww. I’d rather ask Jiyong about whatever you girls are talking about.

AND Dara is still clueless. She set her cellphone aside and decided to still relax in his arms. She must go to Get It Beauty shooting today, but it is still quite early.

“What did you do this time Kwon Jiyong?” She asked the cuddler, totally not expecting for a reply. She is so used of the dark part of the celebrity realm. You wake up in his arms, but news only sees you as the noona. Does it sting? A little bit, the sadness she feels whenever JIyong gets into these controversies are all for him, not for her own selfish jealousy. She’s tired of the public’s image of him when he has been a good man and a very good person.

Dara was about to stand up and start her day, but Jiyong tightened his hold, “Goodmorning…” his husky bedroom voice just delivers her to somewhere else.

“I guess YGE will ask you if you’re dating Lee Jooyeon-ssi?”

“WOW. Again, goodmorning to you too, my love…” he responded sarcastically, feeling attacked he just woke up, sweetie.

She turned to face him with a gentle smile, “My namja is back at it again with the dating rumors!”

Pouting, he pulled her closer, “I will continue to be in the middle of those…until you stop denying me.”

“Fair enough.” Judging with the way she breathes, Jiyong knows she has a lot in mind. “It’s just a mere Kwai video babe…It’s not what you think it is.”

“Assuming you know what I am thinking…”

Drawing back a little to look at her, “It’s not like…”

“Really?!”

“Do you really think I’d do that to you? I am offended, Park!” Dara beamed at him, “Bommie, said Untitled 2017 is coming…” He has learned his lesson.

“Yeah, my café is almost done in Jeju! You were even there when there to taste the coffee.” He said as a matter of fact. “No. AS in the letter you wrote for me…”

“ahhhh. Bommie-noona got a lot of time in her hands. I should produce her song, so she won’t be putting weird ideas in your head.”

“Yes!Do that!” she snuggled to him.

They were cuddling as they wait for the sun to rise. It’s another day to be thankful for. Mornings like this are the mornings Jiyong has always wished for. He knows he will have these kinds of peaceful mornings with her until whenever. Sandara Park smells like love even in the morning, her scent alone gives him pure bliss.

With that he thought about his mornings when they decided to “break things off”. Cool OFF? That is only a break up prologue. How the hell did he survive that 2014 catastrophe? Dara was technically not within his grasps and to make it much worse, she pretended that he does not exist.

Dara’s indifference is what killed him. That death led him writing the letter named “Untitled 2014”. The legendary song was a letter for Sandara Park.

FLASHBACK EARLY 2014:

How many mornings did he have to wake up with an unfamiliar ache in his heart? How many nights did he have to sleep his empty soul, to escape the tenacities of reality? The reality he once held on to, the reality he looks forward waking up to, same reality he would keep behind his subconscious along with his other sweet dreams. That reality was SHE. But she’s not reality anymore, she was.

More than all the good memories they shared, Jiyong kept on remembering that exact same night they kind of broke things off. The very same night he faded to black. Fading into black meaning the relationship is still in the limbo, it’s only up to the 2 of them if they will bring it back to heaven or might as well leave it to hell. He’s in denial. For her it is probably in the end, no more turning back.

They met at a restaurant where celebrities frequent to. He saw some familiar faces, and bowed when acknowledged. He reserved a private room, that is too big for just the two of them. The management of that same restaurant might think he’ll propose, but he’s there to end his will to live.

Dara and Jiyong have been seeing each other for too long. She has been nothing but a big support system to his career while she struggles for her own. It is a fact that somehow it is harder for women to survive in showbusiness. For how many times did Dara have to hide her face under ridiculous styling just to justify the image her group has been projecting. The nights when she had to take extra hours to practice their dance so that she cannot be called just “visual” are countless. He knows how hardworking she is, but Dara will never forget to remind him everyday, that she’s there for him, amidst of her own battles.

These days he struggles through his own internal battle. It is something cannot be explained by words. It is deep and excruciating. That night he thought to himself, as he waits for her “Tonight, I will not let the woman that I love sink into the darkness that I am in…” It was the terrible mistake.

It was as if he rejected his cure for his aching soul. It was just only her, but he thought he’s dragging her towards the darkness. Clearly, he wasn’t but it’s too heavy, and he sincerely think she deserves someone better. He feels like, he needs her more than she needs him. It’s time for them to let g