The Universe of Us:

Moment of Truth

One day I looked at you and it occurred to me how beautiful your smile was. I heard music in your laughter---I saw poetry in your words, you asked me why I had that look on my face, as though a shadow had fallen across its sundrenched landscape, heavy with premonition, dark with revelation. The second I tried to tell myself I wasn’t in love was the moment I realized I was.

You wake up with a mixture of excitement and fear for today is the day you would be able to see him again. In flesh---your heart. Excitement, because you get to see him, hug him and kiss him again…after awhile. Fear, because you know time will fly and you cannot break its wings because you wanted it to fly faster, so you two will not miss each other again.

You woke up at half past 2, and sleep has become selfish.

Your cellphone lit up, it has been sufficiently charged. You squealed, and your heart leaped as you unlock it---your homescreen was a photo of him smiling, his eye all stretched, your little thumb rubbed the screen, “Aigooo”. You remembered he was the one who changed it, “Here. Jagiya, so I am still the first person you would see in the morning. Kiss him, goodnight too.” You laughed at how stupid his idea was, but it worked. Not totally erasing the longings but it helped.

You also had it alarmed as a notification, that you will see him again.

April 5th, my love did well.

The past few months has been tough for you, but you did well too.

Maybe you snapped. Maybe you drove him insane. Maybe you thought it was the end but right until the both of you are about to give up, your stubbornness overpowered, his will wasn’t shaken. The second before you uttered the words “Let’s end this” his eyes stopped you. His light brown eyes showed that he knew, he’d hear it again from you because he gave you that much power over him. The words that ended him in 2014, has made its comeback in 2017. Your heart dropped when you saw how he bit his quivering lips, struggling to stop himself to beg you to stay. You know that he knows that you will still choose him over the in between struggles of your love.

That moment you realize, you’re not the only one hurting. You were selfish, you were jealous, you were everything you’re scared of becoming. Even after he explained things to you, you flew away, ignored him. You ghosted him, you rip him off the last chance of celebrating your birthday together before he completes his duty to your country.

When you came back, still--he was the first one to apologise.

“I’m sorry for always making you feel this way…”

You felt sorry for making him feel sorry. The change in you was gradual. At first you took in his narrative or as what your instinct says, his excuse. This isn’t another tragedy in the years of being with him, your heart says. But your mind was an insensitive motherer and gave you warzone flashbacks of how he embodied the cheating once.

You chose to face it upfront. Clearly, he loves you just as much. You trusted him in a very reasonable way but at the same time you guarded your heart.

You refused a bunch of magazine shoots and tv guestings for the times he had to go to Jeju. Nobody knows how thankful you were when the brand that you are endorsing gave you the opportunity to sing and to stop yourself from further destroying your sanity. For further wrecking him at the same time.

You were dangerous at that time. A ticking time bomb, personified.

He was proud of you and he made your heart flutter, “You did well—Jagi.” He’s always looking after you.

For the whole Japan tour, you were with him because you were scared, maybe he’d go away again.

You spammed his messages. You call him every chance you get. During the nights you spend together, you get his phone and check, if there were calls or texts from women-- rumored girlfriend to be specific. There were none.

You have become cancerous, as you were destroying yourself, you were already dragging the relationship.

He noticed the change in you, he wanted to be mad but of course he’s the only one to be blamed---he thinks. Even before the New Year, the both of you celebrated the couples’ holiday in deep sighs.

“Babe…You don’t trust me?!” you were hoping that for once he was not able to see right through you, but who are you kidding? You have given everything to him.

Does he know the power he has on you?

“It’s me this time.” You painfully admitted. “Ever since it blew up, everyday I only wanted to know the truth. Everyday I find myself speculating. That when we’re not together you’re with someone else. It’s driving me crazy!” then you broke down in tears. It was supposed to be a warm winter night, but it has been cold since fall. Too cold.

“hmmm.” He gave you that moment to cry. “Im…”

Before he says sorry again, you cut him off, “No…It’s not you. I don’t see myself anymore. Are you not seeing how I changed?!” you hated how he was all reserved.

“It hurts me to see you like this.”

“How can you look at me like that? Jiyong…you’re looking at the woman who cannot trust you…” you are struggling as you asked him but the way he looks at you is still full of love.

“You still look at me the same, Sandara.” He softly whispered in between your sobs. Then you felt his calloused hands cupping your face. His thumb wiping your tears, “You still love me…You love me.” When you gazed up to him, he stopped your world. His eyes were soft, they were sad, but they still have the tinge of love.

That stopped you from saying goodbye. From ending both of you in a killing spree of emotions. No matter how hard you try to mind your own pain, he will always remind you why you chose to stay.

He can give you all the reasons to leave but he will never allow you to forget why you chose to be with him.

“If you are getting tired…my love you can always rest…but don’t leave me. Don’t leave me alone… Come back.” he finally encased you in a hug burying his face to the crook of your neck. You felt his tears, “Give yourself a healing time, away from me. You only said you do not trust me, but you never said you do not love me anymore.”

“You do not deserve that Jiyong. You deserve better.” You buried yourself deeper into his embrace. He chuckled, “aahhh. I deserve the best…you are the best that I’ve ever had.”

That made you cry even harder. “Stay with me…hmm?” He broke the hug to look at you, “You have seen me worse than what you make yourself to be. As much as I love the feeling of you getting too possessive…know that you’re the only woman I would live and die for.”

“Ommoo.”

He dipped his head to give your lips a full kiss. It was enough for your sanity to be restored. Again, you threw out all the ill feelings you have. You trusted again because you are in love, because you love.

You are a woman who takes risks in all the aspects of life. He is the man worth risking for because you are the sole reason why he considered himself a winner, because you are also the risk he’s willing to take and a game he’d refuse to lose.

For you are his great love.

For he is your one true love.

You two we’re lucky enough to get stuck in between of a great and true love. You two were the letters and the words on each of his songs. You two are the notes of his music. You are his greatest metaphor, he is the personified love that you once wished for.

To Know Him

If you want to know his heart, pay attention to what angers him.

If you want to know his mind, listen for the words that linger in his silence.

If you want to know his soul, look at where his eyes are when you catch him smiling.

“Dara-yah eoddiya?!’

“I am on my way eomeonim…”

“I don’t understand why you have to drive when you can always just ride with us. See you~ drive safely.”

It will take you an hour and 7 minutes to drive to Cheorwon, Gangwon-do. You were told that Jiyong’s ceremony will be held in the morning, and of course you’re not the type to attend because it will only trigger questions. And besides you know he wouldn’t want to be the center of another big scandal.

Both of you decided that you will not reveal yet, “Know that I’d be inside, I don’t think it will make me feel comfortable knowing that you’d face that storm alone. ---”

“I’d claim your while in a wedding dress, just so you know.”

“I don’t mind…I’d love that.”

You smiled as the memory of that one conversation with him sipped through your consciousness while you drive. Flower Road came in shuffle and it made your mood even better. For sure he will tease you when he sees that his songs has been on repeat ever since he went inside.

Let’s meet again when the flowers bloom.

All clad in your usual casual clothing, in a denim jacket with your signature CH blue plaid tied around your waist, you already know where to hide. To finish the incognito look, you wore his bucket hat that was big for you and a black mask that covered your tiny face.

The parking spot that his dad told you was indeed in a secluded area by a lonely park that somehow housed an old oak tree in pure bloom. Checking the time, it’s almost noon, you know he’s still must go eat with the people who visited him.

Then your phone rings…

It was his sister, or so you thought.

“Hello, Jagiya.”

“Oh…”

Damn it. His voice.

“Where are you?! Are you not eating with us?!”

Damn it. His voice.

“I had breakfast.” You were like a fangirl stopping yourself from squealing because is voice sounded so good that it made it to a PAK in