I met you and I felt like god was pushing me to go up to you and say hello, to tell you that I already loved you and hoped that you would be mine. because I loved you the moment you walked through that door to order a coffee with your lip bit between your teeth and I didn't even hear your voice before I knew I wanted to hear your laugh. I had no idea who you were or what your name was, but I knew that I loved you, don't ask me why. so I kissed your lips outside of the shop and tasted the bitter beans that were stuck on your tounge, falling deeper in love with the wobble of your knees. oh god, I loved you, but I still didn't have your name. you were like a hail mary god sent to joseph, and I can't express how much you made my heart ache. how could you love someone you never knew before? maybe I did know who you were. maybe in a past life, we were lovers, people who watched the sun set beneath the mountains and caught stars in each others eyes. maybe, we were lovers who loved until death bid us apart. oh how I loved you. your lips were wine and I was willing to get high.

but,

I still didn't know your name

_________________________

and I felt a pound in my heart, similar to the first gunshot at a battlefield, but this explosion of gunpowder started something beautiful, nothing dangerous at all. I let my shoulders fall, the tense energy in them leaving at the sight of your face. so calm and serene, placid and calm. you smiled and your fingers combed through your bangs, setting them in place so that your eyes could shine. I loved you, and I thought to myself, how many bullet holes I would take to save that smile on your lips. 

would I mind dying and forgetting the feeling of your breath on my chest? would I die crying because I know ill forget who you were and how wondrous your laugh sounded to my ear drums and how it felt to kiss your soft, pink lips?

this is when I decided that I would not die if I could help it, for I would definitely miss the sight of the sun rays shining through strands of your hair at 9 am. it felt like bombs were going off in my heart, and my breath was taken away, but I took the pain as the physical effect for love and set it all aside. ill never forget the look of horror on your face when I finally fell to the war in my heart, and the lack of air in my lungs, when my brain finally realized that this was not the feeling of love, but the pain of death and heart disease. I hated it.

now that the gun shots have gone away and the smoky clouds have cleared, the sound of a beeping monitor took its place. the tube down my throat doesn't help much with communication, and I'm sorry that I can no longer tell you that everything will be okay. I myself can not find myself believing these lies I tell my heart, but I must, for if I stop and think about the reality, ill break down in tears. I just don't want to forget the beautiful boy who made the war in my body feel like love, the boy who made my illness seem like a side effect of love, the boy who I loved so much, the boy who was named-

and then, the monitor stopped, paused, and let out a long wail.

__________________________

"if you ever miss me, just look at the sky and know I'm somewhere staring up at it."

a smile.

"if I see a star, you'll be the person ill first think of."

a sigh

"but there are never stars anymore are there"

the smile faded

"then I guess bomb planes will have to do."

the boy smiled again and I felt my heart ache, for I've already forgotten his name and his age, who he was to me when I cried, how his smile made me feel, and why I had pictures of him on my phone. he was a dead memory, a story that played over and over again with no reason. he's the airplanes in my sky, the lights I mistake for shining stars, but maybe if I tried hard enough, they could be.

in a world where stars are just a memory and planes are the harsh reality. a battlefield of broken promises and handmade oaths.

__________________________

24 hours

I woke up to the smell of a cup of old coffee, the sheets spread about my body, not bothering to cover my skin entirely.

18 hours

I got off from work early and took the bus. it was smelly and unclean, so I got off a couple stops early, not wanting to deal with the floating disease.

17 hours

I finally stumbled into a small cafe and took out my laptop, too tired of walking to get back home. I ordered a dark roast and leaned into the chair, the radio announcer speaking nonsense in the back.

15 hours

the sun was high in the sky with all its glory, and that's when I heard a couple arguing. one was crying silent tears as the other began to pack their belongs to leave. I shrugged my shoulders and wonder why this all seemed familiar.

10 hours

I was back at home and on the couch. I had the remote in one hand and a double shot expresso in the other. I chose a movie and sat back as the two character started their love story.

5 hours

my eyes were drooping and I began to panic. I searched for more coffee beans and energy drinks but was left empty handed. I looked in the basement and found a freezer, but paused to read the sticky note with frayed edges and stains.

"don't sleep."

0 hours

I cried as I let my eyes close, hoping that my alarm would ring before I entered the state of mind where all I saw was your pretty smile.

________________________

because you were a reason. you were the reason as to why my skies turned different shades when the sun emerged and why the colors shifted once the moon touched the sky with its pale beauty. you were a reason I used when people asked why the corner of my lips were turned towards god and the angels where you belonged. a reason as to why I came out of the darkness with a laugh ready to come from my lips with puffy eyes and a red nose. the reason why I wake up and wonder how great of a life I live, the reason why I've never wanted to cut my string of fate, because I'd rather climb it and see if I'll meet you once I reach the top. you are the reason for my entire being, why I love and why I weep. why the ocean tide rises and pulls away messages written in sand forever. you are why the clouds of the sky look like marshmallow pillows rather than thunder bringing puffs. the reason why Aphrodite became a goddess, because if she were human, she too would have fallen for your beauty. all the beauty in the world revolves around your aura, the people around you doing the same. I just wish that to you, I was also a reason.