Zweiundvierzig

The next day, Sehun was there again.

There he was, seated silently by himself on a corner seat, his eyes boring into my back as I moved around the restaurant, serving customers. Those eyes that once calmed me down when I was sad now unsettled me; that once shone with kind understanding now seemed to use that understanding to question me – to interrogate why I would be so foolish to allow myself to be silently married to Jongin.

What happened between the two of us?

The answer was obvious.

Kim Jongin happened.

“Excuse me.” I almost jumped out of my skin, the tension compressing my nerves releasing with a short jolt of my shoulders. Turning unwillingly, I faced Sehun with a tight-lipped smile.

“Yes, sir?” I tried hard to look straight into Sehun’s eyes, but my eyes kept wavering away.

Funny. Those eyes which could now stare boldly into Kim Jongin’s eyes could no longer gaze upon Sehun’s.

“Sir?” Signs of hurt seeped through Sehun’s low tone, his eyes unashamedly still fixated on me, “Sir, Nari? Really?”

With each word articulated out of his lips, they dove into my heart and pierced through my conscience. But, thinking back to Gikwan, to the family I’ve tried so hard to create, even to Jongin, I selfishly kept my mouth shut and gave him another smile.

“How may I serve you?”

The hurt that flashed in Sehun’s eyes quickly melted to a sort of anger, before it disappeared into resignation. Shaking his head, Sehun then looked down at the menu in his hand.

“Five bottles of soju.”

I frowned. Soju? Though Sehun had good alcohol tolerance, but he was never one to like alcohol that much – and now he’s ordering five bottles of soju?

What for? To get drunk at this time of the day? It’s still only lunch.

Sehun must’ve saw the conflicted expression on my face, for he rested his elbows on the table and tilted his head up at me.

“Why do you look concerned, Nari?” Sehun spoke softly, “Why do you care?”

Immediately, I wiped off any evidence of concern and worry off my features. With another professional smile, I took down Sehun’s orders.

“Five bottles of soju, noted.” With a curt nod, I took Sehun’s menu away and moved away from his table with quick steps.

When the bottles of soju appeared on his table, Sehun didn’t drink a single sip of the alcohol. He stared at the bottles, watching as the ice melted off the surface of the glass and piling into a small puddle on the table. After sitting on the table idly for another half an hour, he stood up and left the restaurant.

“Weird,” Jieun leaned over to me, “Why did he order soju if he’s not going to drink it or take it home?”

I smiled bitterly, “Who knows.”

By the time I finished work that day, the sky was already dark. Looking at my watch, I heaved out a tired sigh – it was six o’clock right now, time to go to my parent’s house to pick Gikwan up.

Heaving out another sigh, I stretched my arms and proceeded to walk towards the bus stop when a person emerged from the shadows.

“Nari.”

Letting out a shriek, I swirled around and stared wide-eyed at the person in front of me. My heart beating fast from the scare, I could only wordlessly look into those gentle eyes.

Oh Sehun.

“What are you doing?” I managed to speak, but took a few steps away from him.

“Let’s talk.”

“About what?”

“About…” Sehun hesitated, “about everything. Let’s talk it out.”

I paused. Then, I heaved out a sigh and shook my head.

“Sehun, we’ve talked enough, haven’t we? And where did that get us?” I lowered my head, “Let’s just face what’s happened in the past and move on. It’s been five years, don’t make things more complicated for us.”

I didn’t have to look at Sehun to know the flashing pain that passed through his face. But as selfish as it is, I was tired.

Tired of long talks that got us nowhere. Tired of plans and methods that only made the situation more complicated and messy. Tired of stomping around in the same spot, our eyes so focused on the problem that it our soul and happiness away.

I just want to move on. Face the situation, and move on.

But apparently Sehun wasn’t ready to do that. Or, even if he tried to, from the fatigued lines that had faintly appeared around his eyes after five years, I could tell that he could not.

So I was not surprised when I heard him scoff.

“Move on?” Sehun pressed on, his tone eager and harsh, “Yes, Nari. You need to move on from Kim Jongin. Tell me, are you happy right now?”

I lifted my eyes.

“Yes.”

As the word tilted out of my lips like a clear raindrop, it splashed disappointment and disbelief onto Sehun’s face. His eyes twitched, then it stopped. It twitched again, before it stopped.

Finally, he could only shake his head.

“You’re lying.”

My eyes wavered away from his strong, expectant gaze that urged me to say that I’m suffering. That I couldn’t bear to live with Kim Jongin. That in those past five years, at least the thought of him caused me as much pain as it caused him.

But it didn’t. The pain I felt was nowhere compared to the pain Sehun felt. The pain I felt were short, fleeting moments comforted by the hope of a complete family, comforted by Gikwan’s silly and cheeky smiles.

I’m sorry, Sehun. But I moved on.

Silence lumbered over the two of us, like a storm of waves piling over each other until the atmosphere was so thick I almost forgot to breathe. Was it guilt that formed this silence? Regret? Anger? Perhaps it was even mild amusement that there would be a day where silence between the two of us could even be suffocating.

It was amusing. But horribly miserable.

 “You’re lying.” Sehun repeated his accusation a second time when I grew silent, the desperation in his voice cutting through the silence. Slightly, he forced the tiniest smile onto his lips, “Nari, you’re lying, aren’t you?”

“I’m not lying.”

Another silence.

“I have a child, Sehun.” I found myself whispering. I could only whisper, the look on Sehun’s face told me that if I talked any louder, something will break inside Sehun, “I’m trying my best to give him a complete family right now, a family that includes Jongin. I couldn’t be happier right now.”

Another silence.

Another silence.

Again. Again. Again.

How many silences do I have to go through in my life until everything is satisfied? Angry silence, stunned silence, suffocating silence…

Heartbroken silence…

Yes. It was a heartbreaking silence that pierced through the air.

And his smile froze.

With his unmoving, cold eyes, dressed in a dark suit and his hair styled neatly back as always, Sehun almost seemed like a statue. But though he remained as still as ever, an unbearable amount of misery seeped out of his immobile stature, almost as if his heart had cracked and was now leaking with emotions he tried so hard to protect behind poorly built doors.

Biting my lips, I glanced away from Sehun, unable to look at him anymore.

“G-Goodbye.” With that last word, I my heels and stormed away.

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