Neunzehn

Listened to 田馥甄 Hebe Tien 《小幸運》whilst writing this chapter.

The sun rose gently as its bright rays invaded the dark reign of the moon. I watched; crouched up on the couch downstairs, my phone held limply in the palm of my hand as the shadows began fading away gradually, slipping away quietly as it vowed to return again at night. As the warmth of the sun covered the living-room through the wall-sized windows facing me, I couldn’t help but feel my heart drop as I realized that it was morning.

Morning, a time to wake up from empty dreams.

Morning, a time where the brightness will force all the deepest and darkest realities I hoped to keep hidden to be exposed, forcing me to face them whether I like it or not, whether I was ready or not.

Morning, a time where I have to face Kim Jongin.

“Oh, you’re up already?”

Turning my attention away from the view outside the window, I glanced up to see Jongin walking down the stairs, wearing only a pair of black jeans as he used one end of the towel draped over his neck to dry his wet hair. My eyes unconsciously flitted down to his , toned torso, and despite the hollow emptiness and resentment I felt towards him, especially now after I found out about Sehun’s debt, I couldn’t diminish the little flutter that betrayed my heart.

Thankfully, Jongin was too concentrated on frowning at my face to notice that I was staring at his abdominal muscles, and taking the chance, I quickly glanced away from him but was quickly pulled back to his attention when he spoke again.

“Nari…” Jongin sounded worried, “Are you alright?”

At first, I was confused over his concern, but then it dawned me that I probably looked terrible right now. After that phone call with Sehun last night ending with me hanging up abruptly after he asked me to lend him money, I somehow ended up just trailing downstairs, curling myself into my own little miserable world as I remained awake for the whole night as all I did was stare out the window lifelessly.

It wasn’t until Jongin came into the view did I snap out of the depression I felt like I was falling into, but now that the sense of hollow confusion had melted away, a new sort of emotion began to slowly overtake me.

Anger.

Biting my lips, I turned my head away from Jongin and focused on the single tree outside the window, trying my best not to confront him about Sehun and trying my best to forget about my conversation with Sehun last night.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to help Sehun, but I was just too tired. Tired of always chasing after Jongin’s traps. Tired of falling deeper and deeper into a pit, tired of everything that had happened until now.

Oh Sehun can take care of himself…right?

“Nari? Could you please lend me some money?”

Gulping, I tried to force Sehun’s voice from last night out of my head, and before I knew it, tears were streaming down my eyes as I turned my head further away from Jongin who just stood there, seemingly not sure what to do.

“H-Hey,” Jongin sounded gentle, tender, caring as he slowly made his way towards me and sat down on the couch, “What’s wrong?”

I wanted to yell at him that HE was what’s wrong, but no voice came out as I scooted away from him and stared so hard at that tree I almost believed it would crack.

Silence consumed the both of us…once again silence consumed the both of us. Had there been a time where silence didn’t consume the both of us? Had there ever been a time where we were joking and laughing around each other?

No. There wasn’t. And I still couldn’t understand why he was keeping me at his side if we weren’t even communicating.

Just exactly what does he want from me!?

“Just what do you want from me?” I found myself speaking out my thoughts through gritted teeth, breaking the silence that was, and had always been suffocating, “Stop avoiding my questions. Why do you want me to stay by your side? This is absurd. How can you do this to a stranger?”

“We’re not strangers, Nari.” Jongin frowned.

“Yes we are.” My eyes blaring, I swirled around to finally confront him, “We’re ing strangers. You and I. Strangers.”

Jongin’s eyes narrowed before the tenderness in his expression disappeared, and his shoulders stiffened as he leaned towards me and grabbed me by the chin, forcing me to stare straight into his eyes.

My breath hitched as once again, he stared at me with a power so intensive I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and averting my eyes from his face, I tried hard not to notice the faint smell of cologne off his wet strands of hair, or the fact that his upper body was practically only a few inches away from mine.

I hated it. I hated how despite I was supposedly angry at him, what occupied half of my thoughts whenever we were physically close was how attractive he was. I hated how despite my supposed hatred for him, whenever he stared into my eyes with such passion and dominance, I couldn’t tell whether my heart was beating because of the resentment I felt towards him…or the attraction that I knew lies deep within my heart.

I hated how despite Sehun was the one I was supposed to love, Jongin was the one occupying my thoughts most of the time.

Once again, at this very moment, with Jongin’s fingers by my chin and his breath against my face as his eyes bored into mine, I was frozen as all I could do was sit there dumbly and watch motionlessly as Jongin smashed his lips against mine.

As if electricity had struck me, I could feel it zapping through my body as Jongin began nibbling on my lower lip, searing through my heart as I felt my pride crumble into bits and pieces. All of a sudden, emotions so overwhelming overtook me as guilt, horror, shock, anger…lust began fighting with each other in my mind, forcing a single drop of tear to fall from my eyes.

Jongin paused in his single-sided passionate kiss as he felt that drop of tear fall onto his cheek, and the assertion in his eyes melted away as he slowly pulled away from me. There was a minute of stunned silence before Jongin glanced away from me and stood up from the couch.

“Are we still strangers now?” Was all Jongin said before he marched upstairs and the sound of the door slamming could be heard.

I just sat there, speechless and stunned before I buried my face in my hands and let out a small sob.

Rrriing.

I jolted a little when my phone began vibrating beside me, and picking it up, I let out an exhausted sigh when I saw that the caller was Oh Sehun.

“I’m sorry Sehun,” I whispered to thin air as I let it ring out, “I know I’m being selfish, but no matter what, I don’t want to marry Kim Jongin.”

As the last of the ringtone ended, the living room fell back into a state of total silence, and I closed my eyes as exhaustion finally got the better of me. Adjusting myself to a lying position on the couch, I relaxed my body as drowsiness began overtaking my senses, and before I knew it, I had fell asleep.