Achtunddreißig

Listened to (Instead - Ryan Amador)  whilst writing this chapter.

The first week passed.

Though Jongin would constantly change his mind and refused to let me go out by myself, but every time he did that, I would only just stare at him straight in the eye.

And I would only say one thing to him each time: “Trust me.”

At first, Jongin’s face twitched and his hand shook – but as I stood my ground, the oppressiveness of his eyes would slowly melt away into forced reluctance. The first time I went out to the shopping centre by myself, he rang my phone just about every half an hour.

He seemed like a madman, trying to keep me within his reach.

The second time, Jongin seemed a little less fearful. Though still suspiciously angry, there wasn’t as much resistance. I went to the park and took a walk.

Third time came, and for some reason, Jongin suddenly blew up in rage. He began questioning why I was going out so much, and whether I was having an affair with Sehun behind his back.

“Trust me.”

Fourth time, fifth time, sixth time…

My belly also grew larger and larger with each passing turn, and soon, too soon, little kicks could be actually felt tapping against the skin of my stomach.

The first time I felt the jolt, my heart leaped. And everything suddenly seemed so real – that there really was a life growing inside of me. It wasn’t my imagination, I am a mother.

The second time those butterfly flickers touched my stomach, I was at my parent’s house. For the first time in such a long while, my parents and I burst out laughing as they pressed their ears against my stomach. It was a happy moment – a moment where everything was bright and relaxed.

Third time, a little pain came along as the baby kicked too hard. But perhaps it was trying it best to comfort me, because at that moment, I was bent over my bed crying. Another fight had erupted between Jongin and I – he was still suspicious for me, and afraid of the child inside of me. Every time I tried to tell him that he must learn how to love this child, Jongin would only build a stronger wall between us. Before, Jongin was oppressive, but he was also gentle.

Now, Jongin was just afraid.

 Fourth time, fifth time, sixth time…

The more my stomach grew with the weight of the life inside of me, the more I tried to force myself to eat.

The first time I tried eating a full meal – I threw up.

The second time I tried eating a full meal – I threw up.

The third time I tried eating a full meal…

…I threw up.

In desperation and worry for the malnourished life within me, I sought assistance from the doctor.

It turns out that I have an eating disorder. And that my intestines are damaged.

“Mrs Nari,” The doctor gave me a grave look, “It’s dangerous for you right now to give birth. There is a chance that even if the baby survives, you won’t.”

I only gave him a smile.

“I don’t care,” Was my stubborn response, “I’m giving birth, no matter what.”

As I was admitted to the hospital for treatment, Jongin would come every day to try and convince me to get rid of the child.

The first time, he yelled at me despite the doctor trying to tell him that I need total peace in order for ultimate recovery.

“Are you crazy?” Jongin screamed at me before turning to the doctor, “Doctor! We’re getting rid of this child. I want you to perform abortion on her, right now!”

The second time, he tried to be gentle. With exasperated sighs and clenched fists, Jongin begged me to save myself. He tried to apologize for everything he did and asked me if I was trying to get revenge on him by doing this.

“I’m sorry, okay?” Jongin almost cried, “Please get rid of the child.”

Third time, Jongin stood still at the side of the hospital bed, his expression hard. Emotions of anger flickered beneath his glazed eyes as he only said one thing:

“If this child takes your life, don’t think I’m going to treat him well.”

Fourth time, Fifth time, sixth time…

One peaceful night, a sharp jolt pierced me awoke from my slumber. As the pain increased and my breathing grew heavier, I realised what was happening.

I was about to give birth.

Jongin paced around the waiting area in the hospital, his footsteps hurried and his nails buried so hard in his palm that he was drawing blood.

It’s taking too long.

It’s taking way too long.

Just how ing long does it take to give birth?

Why was it taking so long?

Fastening his pace, Jongin brushed his hair out of his eyes and heaved irregular sighs. Fear consumed his heart as thoughts of possible death crashed his mind. The possibility of death was so haunting that no matter how much he tried to convince himself that it’ll be okay, the small, whispering sneer in his heart told him the opposite.

Images of Nari filled his mind. Images of how frail and skinny she is, images of her lying on the hospital bed, images of her defendant and unmoving eyes despite her poor c