Dreißig

Chirp, chirp.

Begrudgingly, I woke up to the aggravatingly cheerful chirps of the birds outside the window. Squinting my tired eyes at the dim rays of light that managed to make its way through the thick curtains, I lay on the bed and found myself blinking blankly at the small ripples of light that cascaded across my body.

Where am I?

A soft rustle next to me caught my attention, and turning my head to the right, I found myself staring into the sleeping face of a man. At first I was confused: who was this man beside me and why was I sleeping next to him?

For a good few minutes, I just stared at the face, not really thinking about anything. But when my eyes trailed down to his full lips, then up to the high bridge to his nose and finally to the long eyelashes that trembled ever so slightly as his body heaved up and down in slow, peaceful movements, my fazed brain finally clicked the prominent features of the man into the name Kim Jongin.

And it was then that I noticed the thin pieces of clothing I wore last night strewn pathetically on the floor, and noticed how the man beside me had no clothing on either.

Then, I remembered what happened last night.

I…lost one of the most important things a women could own to the man beside me.

I gave him my first time.

Surprisingly, I didn’t feel much after remembering the events last night. In fact, I couldn’t even remember quite clearly what happened– everything went by in a blur. All that came to my mind was blurred pictures of kissing and panting and-

…and pain.

All of a sudden, emotions began overflowing into my heart – as if the thick layer of dazedness that smothered the emotions in my heart suddenly shattered, and I had to do all I could not to let out that one hiccup as tears began flowing uncontrollably down my eyes.

It was painful. It was so painful.

And even now, as I tried to make my way out of the bed, my whole physical body was screaming out in agony. Maybe the hurt in my heart intensified the physical pain I was feeling, but nevertheless, I felt like I was going to go crazy by the time I literally threw myself into the shower and the water.

Immediately, from the force of how I turned the knob – waterfalls of cold water smashed down onto my shivering back. Heaving quick, shallow breaths as the water hammered down onto my sore body in merciless, frosty attitude, I slowly found my heart calming down.

Breathe In. Breathe Out. Yoo Nari, you were the one who chose to do this, so don’t go regretting your decision now.

Holding my breath, I buried my head underneath the rainfall of water. This had become a habit of mine ever since that night in Paris – when the pressure of the water roaring down against my ears overtook the pressure of the tears that roared down my heart, I could feel myself calming down a little.

And even if it only lasted for that one short moment – It was in that one short moment when I felt like I could finally breathe.

By the time I got out of the shower, an hour had passed by. My body had become considerably numb from the force of the water that continuously fell on my skin, and my head was so dizzy I could barely walk in a straight line.

It took me another half an hour or so in the bathroom to try and regain my strength, but despite finally being able to walk properly as I exited the bathroom, my physical exterior still felt out of place with my heart.

Heaving out an exhausted sigh, I lifted my head and froze when I came face to face with the man I least wanted to see the most right now. What more, sitting on my bed with his back leaned against the backboard and his dark eyebrows slightly furrowed as he stared down at his phone.

It took Jongin exactly three seconds to notice that I was standing before him, and lifting his head, Jongin gave me a wide grin, obviously in a great mood.

 “Oh Nari, you’re finally out.”

I didn’t know how to reply to that sentence, and with my head still spinning a little, I chose to remain silent except for the small smile I managed to put on my tired face. Jongin didn’t seem to mind the silence though, and standing up from the bed, he walked over to me in long strides before pulling me into a tight hug.

“Good morning.” Jongin spoke into my damp hair, his hands wrapped around my waist. Reluctantly, I also placed my arms around his waist and despite the emotionless expression on my face hidden from Jongin’s view, I spoke in a cheerful manner.

“Good morning,” Was my sweet reply.

Letting out a low chuckle, Jongin gave me one final squeeze before letting go of me. Immediately, my face automatically switched into a bright expression, and my lips tilted upwards in a happy smile, I gazed up at Jongin as tenderly as I could.

Jongin, too, gazed down at me tenderly – except his gaze was real, whilst mine was an act.

Tilting his head slightly, Jongin reached out a hand and began playing with the damp ends of my hair, twirling the strand around his finger. His eyes were on my hair, and the gentle smile on his lips soon turned into a smirk.

“You’re looking pretty hot right now, fiancé.” I didn’t miss the hungry tone in his voice, and my heart sank as I soon realised what Jongin was trying to jump into right now, “Are you trying to seduce me?”

Trying my best not to look too frightened, I put up with my happy front and playfully swatted Jongin’s hand away from my hair.

“Stop it,” Though I sounded bright, I couldn’t stop my heart from racing in agitated and terrified rhythms, “I just got out of the shower and I’m tired.”

“Well,” Jongin didn’t seem to want to stop whatever he had in mind, for he wrapped his hands around my waist and pulled me towards him so that our bodies were held against each other, “I know how to make you awake.”

Without waiting for me to protest or say anything else, Jongin pushed me onto the bed and before I knew it, had climbed on top of me so that I was lying beneath him – eliciting a shocked gasp from my lips.

“S-Stop Jongin,” By now, I was no longer trying to act calm and happy, and was instead fr