Fünfunddreißig

It was a warm evening. Everything seemed calm and peaceful as the dull glow of the sunset filtered into the empty living room.

I was doing nothing in particular as I sat with my legs drawn up to my chest on the couch, staring dazedly out at the plain view of concrete outside the house. My arms were wrapped around my stomach and I leaned my head against the back of the couch lazily.

Click.

My head turned slightly towards the front door as it opened. Jongin walked inside the house with a bag of takeaway held loosely in his head, and the strong smell of oil and grease filled my nose, causing me to cringe with discomfort as my stomach began churning nauseously.

“Hey,” Jongin spoke as he noticed my presence on the couch, “I bought dinner.”

I chose to ignore him. Returning my attention back outside the window, I slumped further down the couch and lost myself in the grey concrete floors again.

A small sigh could be heard from Jongin as he didn’t try to pry any words out of me, yet he still took the takeaway out of the plastic and placed it in front of me.

I frowned.

“I’m not hungry.”

Jongin’s eyes narrowed, but he said nothing as he sat down on the couch next to me and the Television, interrupting the peace I was enjoying before he came home from work.

Furrowing my brows together, I shifted away from Jongin a little and turned my back on him. Even though I was saved from having to see him visually, but the sound of the news and the smell of food still reached my ears and nose. It irritated me to no end, and before I knew it, I had spun around and slapped the bowl of fried rice out of his hands.

“I said, I’m not hungry!” My voice came out hard, “So go eat somewhere else!”

The tension between us only rose higher from my outburst, and as the bowl of fried rice laid spilt on the floor, Jongin almost seemed like he was about to burst. Just barely holding his anger back, Jongin turned to me with blaring eyes.

“What the is wrong with you, Nari?” His voice was at normal volume, but it threatened to turn into a roar, “It’s already been three weeks since we’ve got married and you’re only getting more and more difficult.”

“Well I’m not the one who asked for this,” I snapped, “So it up since you’re the one who wanted this marriage to happen so much.”

There was a moment of pause as Jongin searched my face with hard eyes, and what he said next only made me roll my eyes in disbelief.

“You’ve changed.”

Well, no Sherlock.

“Right, I changed.” I stared hard back into Jongin’s eyes, my voice dripping with sarcasm, “I wonder why.”

There was another moment of pause.

Then, Jongin stood up from the couch and went upstairs. He left without another word.

Slumping down on the couch, I found myself clutching onto my stomach again as the greasy smell of oil still bothered my appetite. With Jongin gone, I found myself falling out of my snide mood and straight into another long period of daze.

The Television was still on, the rice was still scattered on the floor. And I was still sitting on the couch, wallowing in my own misery.

“Omo, my daughter, why do you look thinner each day I see you?”

I gave my mum a tired smile as I once again turned up to her house, and as mum opened the door for me, I entered gratefully and plopped down onto the sofa.

At least one good thing came out of marrying Jongin – he wasn’t so overly protective of me now. Maybe it was because he believed I was finally his, but now I had the freedom to go out by myself, of course, within the limit of my parent’s house or the nearby park.

“I don’t know, I just don’t feel like eating anything.”

“Hmm…” Mum trailed off a little as she joined me on the sofa, “Want me to make you anything to eat?”

“No, it’s okay.” I heaved out a sigh, “I’m really not hungry now.”

There was a moment of silence, and I could almost feel the worry oozing out of my mother’s eyes as she sat closer to me and placed one hand on my arm.

“Nari, is everything going alright with Jongin? I mean, you didn’t even have a wedding ceremony, isn’t that a bit too much?”

I gave my mum a small, forced smile.

I lied to her about not having a wedding ceremony. I didn’t want her to know that we actually had one, but she wasn’t invited. I didn’t want her to worry…I didn’t want to become that selfish daughter once again.

I know. I know that I’m being ridiculous and contradicting myself – but what other choice do I have now that even if I try to protect myself, nothing would change? Why would I try to struggle like a fish out of water when even if I struggle, I will still die in the end?

The most I could do was to make sure my family don’t end up like me. Jongin’s made that point clear enough to me the first few days after our marriage.

“Nari,” He had said, “I just want to remind you that no matter what measures you try to take in order to escape, you won’t be able to. Even if you blab to your parents about our relationship or go to Sehun, even if you call the cops on me…nothing will affect this marriage. So be wise, and don’t add unnecessary harm to your family, understood?”

Yes, I understood that well enough.

So, with that small, forced smile, I let out a chuckle and swatted her concern away.

“Jongin’s fine, mum,” I allowed myself to lean against her shoulders and let out an airy sigh, “And we didn’t have a wedding because I didn’t want one. You know me, I like to keep everything nice and simple.”

“Right…” Once again, a look a half-doubt crossed her features, but after what seemed like an internal battle, she finally decided to relax her expression into a smile. “Well, I guess I’ll just have to believe you, Nari. But promise me you’ll tell me if he bullies you, okay?”

This time, my smile was a little less forced. Even though I know I probably will never tell her anything, but the thought that I still had a home to seek shelter in brought a wash of comfort in my otherwise hardened heart.

“Mum,” I snuggled against her shoulders, my mood lifted a little, “I suddenly feel like eating. Can you make me pancakes?”

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