Achtundzwanzig

Listened to hyun bin-that man lyrics (eng+korea sub) ost secret garden whilst writing this chapter.

When I finally regained my consciousness, I realised that I was lying in my old room. Staring blankly up at the ceiling, I felt tears sting my eyes as the comfort of my own bed, and the comfort of the plain yet homey coloured beige walls embraced my body.

But the feeling was short-lived. As I sat up from the bed, my head throbbing a little, I realised that Sehun was sitting beside me, his eyes never leaving my face. At first I was silent as I too could not take my eyes off his face, yet as time went by, I realised that Sehun was sitting beside me.

Alone.

In my room by ourselves.

Immediately, warning signs flashed across my mind, and from the pained expression on Sehun’s face I knew my eyes were wide with fear.

“W-Where’s Jongin?”

A flicker of emotion passed Sehun’s eyes, and he made no attempts to hide it.

“Of course,” Sehun’s laugh was dry, “The first you say to me is about Jongin.”

I couldn’t tell whether the sharp jolt that cut across my heart was from the feeling of guilt or the feeling of desperation – desperation that I wanted to refute Sehun, but couldn’t. Yet no matter that pain that emerged in my heart, it was so smothered by the strong sense of fear that I didn’t have space left to care about Sehun’s feelings, and despite the increasing hurt that shadowed Sehun’s face, I could not bring myself to stop wondering if Jongin would get mad over this situation I was in.

“Where’s Jongin?”

Dry silence sliced through the air after I once again voiced my fear, and after rubbing his neck and letting out another wry chuckle, Sehun shook his head and glanced away from me.

“Jongin’s got some urgent work to attend to,” resignation echoed Sehun’s voice, “He says he’ll be back in an hour’s time.”

Feeling my body relax after this information, I let out a small relieved sigh before leaning against the wall. Closing my eyes, I felt too tired at the moment to even try and combat the dull ache in my heart.

But Sehun didn’t allow time for me to relax, because almost as soon as I closed my eyes, he opened his mouth.

“Nari. Tell me honestly, you love Jongin, don’t you?”

I kept my eyes closed.

“You’re wrong.”

“I’m right, aren’t I?”

“I said,” My tone was pressed, “You’re wrong.”

“Then why?” Sehun’s voice rose, “Why does Jongin occupy all of your thoughts? Why is he the centre of your attention!?”

“He’s not.” I knew I sounded angry and defensive. But I was angry and defensive.

Why would Sehun think that I would love the person who forced me into a relationship with him? Was he implying that I have Stockholm syndrome?

“He’s not?” Sehun’s voice rose even further, “Then tell me, Nari. Do you love me?”

“I-“

The abrupt silence that came after I unconsciously cut off my sentence served as the answer. And though there was nothing but silence, it roared against my ear as I finally opened my eyes in shock, tears gathering around the brim.

I…I love Sehun. Don’t I?

“I see,” Sehun lowered his head, his voice small, “So this is the end for us, huh?”

“H-huh?” My eyes widened as Sehun stood up from his spot and began walking towards the door, “W-wait! I…I- I love you, Sehun. Don’t go!”

Though Sehun paused in his footsteps, but from his steady and slightly slouched back, I knew he did not believe a single word I said just then. Heck, I don’t even believe what I just said…do I really love Sehun? Do I?

“Nari,” Sehun’s voice was surprisingly calm, “Have you ever loved me?”

I frowned and wiped my eyes to prevent any tears from falling. “What do you mean? Of course I did!”

“Really?” Sehun’s voice was so quiet right now that it had dropped to a whisper, “Or did you only love the idea of being around me? Or maybe you were just so used to my presence that you couldn’t imagine anyone else taking my place and believed that that was love?”

“What-“

“-Nari. Did you love me as a person, or did you love the idea of me being around you?”

“Of…Of course I love you! Why would you think otherwise?”

“Then, Nari,” The melanchonly tenderness in Sehun’s voice broke my heart again and again, “What do you love about me?”

“I...” Trailing off, I