Neununddreißig

In his wildest dreams, Jongin had never thought a day like this would happen.

A day where he was set aside to look dumbly after the sleeping baby in the cot whilst Nari chatted amiably with the nurses. Heck…he didn’t even know why he even allowed himself to be ignored as the nurses stole Nari’s attention from him.

Perhaps it was because Nari still looked so frail after only having to give birth three days ago, or maybe it was the look in her eyes that dared him to do anything when the nurses rocked up to talk. But most of all, it was probably because of the radiant look on her face as she joked around with the nurses, or the way her lips tilted upwards in such an adorable smile – a smile that Jongin had never seen before.

So here Jongin was, backed up against the wall, his eyes never leaving Nari’s bright smile and his heart fluttering strangely. Jongin’s heart never fluttered. It only ached with a sense of desperation or possessiveness, perhaps even anger. Or sometimes, there’s nothing in his heart – just emptiness. Pure, lonely emptiness.

So when Jongin felt his heart flutter in his chest, he couldn’t pin-point what he was feeling. Perhaps he was a little tired, that must explain the reason for his unstable heartbeat.

“…and then I told him that there was no way I would go out to dinner with him. Do you know what he did next? He actually knelt down on the floor and begged me to accept him!”

Another laugh erupted from Nari as the nurse finished her dramatic tale, and though her eyes crinkled up so much that her already small eyes practically formed into a line, it sent another series of fluttering up Jongin’s heart.

Unknowingly, the glazed mask of possessiveness melted away from Jongin’s eyes as all of a sudden, all he could see was Nari and her smile. Nari and her tinkling laughter. Nari and Nari only.

Jongin even forgot the fact that he was being ignored as Nari seemed to pull him into her world, and his heartbeat accumulated in speed and strength when suddenly, that beautiful, beautiful pair of eyes turned and locked into his.

And almost immediately, the smile on that beautiful face froze.

At first, Nari looked slightly confused, as if she was caught under the headlights and had no idea what to do. Then, a look of mild determination crossed her eyes, and she slowly lifted the corners of her lips into a small smile.

But that small smile wasn’t enough to save the dying flutters in Jongin’s heart. 

As Nari then turned her eyes away from Jongin and returned attention to the nurse who began telling another tale, a familiar sense of aching replaced what was once butterflies in Jongin’s heart.

He wasn’t dumb. He could tell the difference between her smiles just as much as he could differentiate between light and dark, bright and dull.

The smile she gave him, looked forced. It looked painfully awkward. It looked like a grade schooler trying to give their friend a smile after a fight only because their parents told them that they had to in order to make up.

That smile, didn’t make Jongin’s heart flutter. That smile, even made Jongin feel a little angry.

Yet heaving out a long sigh, Jongin tried hard not to let the anger bubbling in the pit of his stomach get him. Turning his sight away from Nari whose laughs had now become a little less radiant, he then focused on the baby beside him, still sleeping peacefully in the cot.

Tilting his head slightly, Jongin scrutinised the slumbered child.

Kim Gikwan, was it?

“You’re so ugly.” Before he knew it, these words slipped outside his lips. Luckily, no one seemed to have heard him as their laughter smothered his insult towards the baby.

But it was true.

With fresh, raw skin that all newborn babies possessed and tuffs of wispy hair just barely visible on his bald head, Gikwan didn’t exactly look handsome. In fact, he even reminded Jongin of a frog.

A frog sleeping peacefully and uglily in a baby cot.

At the very thought, the slightest chuckle left Jongin’s lips. But quickly recovering himself, Jongin straightened his face and looked straight ahead.

So okay, fine. Maybe Gikwan isn’t as scary as Jongin first thought he would be.

But that still doesn’t mean that he’s lovable.

Not yet.

Peaceful weeks passed in the hospital. During the day, I would either rest, adore my beautiful baby boy or chat with the nurses at their lunch break. Every morning, my parents would also come and visit me. At first, they wanted to stay at the hospital with me, but after many times of persuasion from my side that they should rest properly at night, they then gave in to my persistent coaxing.

As for Jongin, he practically lived at the hospital with me now. He stayed the nights at the hospital with me before leaving in the morning for work. On weekends, Jongin stayed his entire day with me.

Yet despite being stuck together for a few weeks, we mostly spent our time in silence.

Sometimes, Jongin would try and make small conversation. Most other times, he would just be on his laptop and doing whatever work he has to do whilst I did whatever I did at the time. Surprisingly, Jongin grew to be quite compliant with whatever I did. Even when I told him I wanted to go out for lunch with the nurses one day, he just shrugged and let me go without a second word.

It was weird. Strange. Awkward, even.

But at the same time, it also felt nice. It gave me hope, that perhaps one day the happy family in my dreams would come true.

Maybe, just maybe, Jongin is changing.

“You’re still awake?”

Looking up from my position on the hospital bed, I glanced up to see Jongin walking through the door. It was already late at night, and from the clock on the wall, I could see that it was nearing midnight. As he walked before me, I noticed the items he was carrying. In one hand, he held a plastic bag containing a small container inside, in his other hand was his business bag.

“I was thinking about things.” Smiling had become a little easier. With Jongin being so gentle right now, the only thing that still held me back from accepting him with an open heart was our past.

“Hmm,” Jongin took the container outside the plastic bag and handed it to me, “Here, red bean soup.”

“Thanks.”

Taking the container from him, I smiled a second time. Ever since I told him that I craved for some read bean soup one night, Jongin had been bringing me red bean soup almost every night for the past two weeks.

Honestly speaking, after drinking the soup every day for the past two weeks, I was getting a little sick of it. But the fact that Jongin was starting to try and get closer to me prevented me from telling him so. Hence opening the lid to the container, I reached for the plastic spoon wordlessly and began drinking the sweet soup.

Jongin, on the other hand, sat down on the couch beside the bed and took out his laptop as he began doing his work.

We passed the time in silence. Me drinking the soup and him typing away on his laptop. Gikwan was already sound asleep, and the sound of his soft breathing was the only thing that accompanied the silence.

“Is red bean soup your favourite food?”

Jongin suddenly spoke, catching me off guard. With a thoughtful tilt of my brows, I shook my head.

“No. I like Western food. But to be more exact, I guess I like sausages the most.”

“Oh.”

There was a moment of awkward pause. Then, I decided that I should continue the conversation.

“How about you? What’s your favourite food?”

With a slight frown, Jongin scrunched up his eyebrows slightly as he tried to think of one. But he seemingly came up with none as in the end, all he could do was give me a shrug.

“I don’t know.”

I nodded my head slowly. “Right.”

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