No matter how much suffering you went through,

you never wanted to let go of those memories.

― Haruki Murakami.

People lived and people died. People hurt and that would never change.

They were hurt. 
They were afraid.

Afraid to live, because neither one was easy but one of them had to be strong for the sake of the other. After all they had been through, Kikwang knew it had to be him. 

A year ... it had been an entire year since Daehyun's passing but the pain still lingered amongst them. A part of their lives went with him, and it seemed to vow of not returning. Sometime later within the year, their words finally sank in for Hyosung — they weren't "hiding him somewhere" and that her Daedae was really gone. 

Upon learning the truth, to say she was sad was an understatement; she fell into an eerie state of devastation. The warmth that surrounded her completely ceased to radiate; her chiming laughter dissipated into thin air, the light in her eyes no longer shone, and she was like a zombie. 

Void of any emotion.

A broken soul.

It took Kikwang another several weeks to find the opportunity and courage to talk to Hyosung alone. She wasn’t afraid of him anymore, but she was still hesitant when it comes to him. The delay was both frustrating and helpful — he wanted to explain himself fully to her but had no idea where to start, and without scaring her off. Whatever more with her devastated upon knowing the truth. He didn’t blame her for it.

He found her sitting on the rooftop of the apartment one day, wind blowing softly, playing with her tendrils as she stared into the distance. One hand bracing her knees, the other holding on to a Bumblebee. His heart broke at the sight. She looked so fragile.

“Maybe I should return some other day.” He hesitated, unsure whether it was the right time. Heck, I don’t even know when is the right time. He thought. Jonghoon shook his head in disapproval, a reassuring smile on his face and pushed him out the door and closed it.

His heart thumped so loudly as he slowly made his way to her, one step at a time. Did she noticed him? Even if she did, she surely didn’t care because she continued on staring up at the clear blue sky. What seemed like an eternity, he finally made it to her side. Just two feet apart, as not to scare her. 

It wasn’t until the sky shed to a colour of red that he broke the silence. “Hey.” His voice low, afraid to disturb the tranquility surrounding them.

“Sorry …” She replied, barely a whisper above the chirping sound of birds returning to their nest.

“What are you sorry for?”
“Not remembering you.”

“Oh, it’s okay. Don’t sweat it cause …”

“No. It is not okay, because I obviously meant a lot to you.” She turned to look at him, and his heart wrenched at the lost look engraved in those sad brown eyes. “Didn’t I? But … I just can’t remember.”

It was true. And yet, when the question came out of , his inside frozen over. How was he supposed to tell her exactly what she was to him when she was looking at him with those glazed brown eyes, absolute no recognition upon her face? 

Maybe it wouldn’t last long. Maybe her memory would come back once she had the time to -- to what? Recover a little? Or she never would? 

His hands clenched into fists, and he unconsciously played with the silver locket that hung on his necklace, wondering what her reaction would be when she found out the whole truth about their … complicated relationship.

Wondering what that would mean if this was more than just a temporary selective amnesia.

Hyosung’s eyes grazed his again, and he felt as if someone had punched him in the gut. There was no knowledge of him there at all. No hint of reassurance that was always there no matter how bad things got. No hint of the light that was always in her eyes, sometimes more obvious than the others -- that look was for him, and him alone.

Hyosung stared at his locket, and then looked slowly down at the one she was wearing. She touched it, and her eyes were drawn back to Kikwang -- to the matching locket he was wearing. Her hand slowly reached out to it, and Kikwang held his breath when he felt her soft fingers touched his neck. Even for a while, it scorched his skin.

“GH: Forever and always.” She read it slowly, void of any recognition to it. His heart ached once more. Her eyes looked back into his, looking completely lost. Just as lost as he felt. It was the most awkward, uncomfortable moment between them that he had ever known. “Kikwang, I’m …  I’m so …”

“It’s okay, Hyo. It’s not your fault.” He reassured her. Or was he reassuring himself too? Hyosung looked at him, her eyes baffled, exhausted, and uncertain.

“Kikwang?” Her voice was just unsure as her expression, as though she wasn’t even sure she could address him, or as though she wasn’t sure she was addressing him correctly. That tone coming from her made his heart fall completely out of his stomach and drop somewhere to the vicinity of his feet.

It hurt.

There was still no recognition in her eyes. It was like looking at a stranger wearing Hyosung’s face. He didn’t know what Hyosung saw in his face, but she bit her lip and frown creased her forehead.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

Me too, he thought, for more reasons that he could begin to put to words. 

Hyosung fell asleep in the middle of crying when she forced her memory to rake anything about this man in front of her. Kikwang. To remember who he was and remember the significant role he play in her life but she couldn’t. 

She asked him tons of questions. When did they first met? Where? Where did they grew up from? Which high school they went to? So many questions asked, that led her to being exhausted and darkness had tugged her back into the waiting arms of sleep.

She woke up in her room, weak sunlight was filtering through the window. She still didn't remember anything but her mind felt much clearer now that she knew tid-bits of the information she extracted from Kikwang.

Her eyes found Kikwang on the sofa beside her bed, his eyes closed. She took a moment to study him; she still knew nothing much about him except that they were lovers and he had hurt her. And that at some point of their relationship, he was a big jerk which cause her to fled to Japan. It was strangest thing to see him and realize that she must have loved him. Loved him enough to continue being with him despite everything that happened.

She had a hundred things she wanted to ask him, but at the same time, she felt horribly self-conscious and unsure of what to say. It was strange to see a man who she was supposed to know well and to not know him at all. To think that he must know everything about her, that he knew her intimately. 

She sat up slowly, and Kikwang's eyes snapped open. Either he hadn't been asleep or he was such a light sleeper that the rustling of the sheets had awakened him. He really had beautiful brown eyes, she thought. He searched her face, and she searched his right back.

"Morning, Hyo." he said softly before the beautiful smile of his that she has come to quickly like etched on his face.

“Morning, Kikwang.” She replied, his name sounded awkward on her lips.

A heavy silence, which she broke with one of the questions bubbling in her mind. "So…um, how long have we known each other again?"

“Almost twenty years, give or take.” Kikwang continued to watch her, and her eyes strayed back to the matching locket that hung on his chain. Twenty years, yet she couldn’t remember a single thing about this person. She could feel her head started to ache.

"Can you — can you tell me about it?" she asked tentatively. "About us?"

"Our life is pretty long and very complicated." He paused, probably trying to decide where to start. "You and I first met when we were six, that was when Mrs Park moved next door to mine. You were really skinny too back then."

Kikwang launched into a series of collection of their past; telling her how they practically grew up together after Mrs Park passed away to how he made it as an idol. How he turned into a big jerk. How she fled to Japan to get away from him. How they found each other again there. 

Kikwang hesitated when he mentioned about Sakura, how their lives were turned into a living hell. How it led to Daehyun’s passing. Hyosung didn’t notice she was crying when she felt his thumb wiping away the lone tear that trickled down her cheek. 

They both put on a broken smile on each other faces, silently weeping for the person that was very dear to them. Probably it was the comfort of shared memories of Daehyun that will haunt them both, and it haunted them even now as they both learn what it is to forgive and forget and remember, because that's what it takes to exist. 

After a long moment and a deep breath, Kikwang shifted toward her. He held her hands for the first time, and she felt her heart skipped. His warm hands enveloped her and they stayed like that for a moment. Her eyes searched his face, and without her realizing it, one hand moved to his face, her fingers tracing his jaw line.

Hyosung felt his chin trembled in her hand. When she realized what she did, Hyosung quickly pulled her hand away, clearly embarrassed at her sudden action. Kikwang instantly grabbed her hands back and curled his fingers around hers, and kissed them. She felt his warm tears on their entwined fingers, and it caused a tug in her heart.

She was hurting him.

“You‘ll be okay,” Kikwang said, sobbing a little, as he held their hands a moment longer. Her fingers tightened themselves on his on their own upon hearing his voice of reassurance. She want to believe those words so badly, she did.

“We’ll be okay.” He said. “I’ll make sure of that, even if my life depends on it.”

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Hello? Anyone home? Well I am. *cries.

On a serious note, I am not sure when I'll be back though because frankly speaking, my final term will begin next week. Yes, I just started to be active and now I'll be away again. So sorry! :(