Minseok’s POV

I saw her standing there, or what was left of her. She looked more like a ghost than the happy sunshine I had used to call my girlfriend. Her eyes turned to mine just before her manager ran to her, holding her phone. He looked really stressed about something and as he handed the phone to Hana, the words that came out of his mouth, sounded really urgent. Hana turned her gaze to the phone and answered hesitantly. It didn’t sound like there would be any good news on the other side of the phone.

“Oppa?” she answered to the phone. Someone, I’m guessing her brother, said something to her. Instantly, her face went completely white, and her shocked face came evident. Apparently something had happened to her dad. My heart clenched when I saw her legs giving in, and her almost falling to the floor. Even after everything that had happened, I couldn’t say that my feelings would have changed. Apart from the ones, when I accused her. I felt terrible after the break up and I had realised that maybe there was something else behind it after all. The problem was that I could not gather my courage to call her, and after she stopped texting or calling me, it was too late to do anything. But now, when I saw her, it felt like everything came crashing down, and I had to talk to her, to hold her, to have her as my girlfriend again.

My heart jumped to my throat when I saw Hana drying her tears with her palms. She had lost weight and even with the makeup on, I could see that her eyes seemed really tired, even exhausted. I was just starting to walk toward her, when someone pulled me back. I raised my eyes and saw Lizzie, one of her bandmates, grab my hand. “Don’t you dare. You will never get close to her, I won’t let you. And neither will anyone else I know,” she said while casting a murderous glance at me. I looked at her with pleading eyes but she just shook her head as a sign. I nodded silently and walked to the sofa where Sehun and Chanyeol sat.

“Are you okay hyung?” Sehun asked.

“No, not really,” I answered nodding to the direction where Hana was standing. Her manager was holding her up but she still looked like she could pass out any moment. Both of the guys looked at her and sighed.

“Hyung, it will be alright. You can talk to her, right?”

“No, they won’t let me. I just.. I want to take care of her,” my throat started to hurt as the tears were threatening to fall. I was not much of a crier, but when it came to her, it was different. After I had stepped out of that room a few weeks ago, I had cried for almost an hour without stopping. It hurt so much. But now I knew I was wrong, it was all wrong. Especially leaving her at her weakest moment. I didn’t know if she could ever forgive me.

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“We welcome you to the MAMA of 2016! We will have some amazing performances tonight, including our most favorite idol groups for example the lovely Flower Girls, Got7 and EXO!”

The audience clapped and cheered at the MCs. I had saw Hana walking on red carpet, and I knew that she wasn’t fine, her smile was fake and she wasn’t even talking, letting this for the other girls. When the award begun I saw that she was together with her members on the audience that was reserved for the idols. She looked lost, her eyes were fixed on the stage, but I could see that her mind wasn’t there. I was observing her, I wanted so bad to be next to her but I couldn’t, so the only option left, was to look at her from afar. But this didn’t last long, she was soon called backstage, she passed so fast like she was in such a hurry to do something  that she didn’t spare to look at my way. Minutes after she and her members had left, the guys and I were called backstage as well.

I was standing at the backstage with other EXO members. All Hana’s bandmates except for her, were also there. I was starting to get worried when I could not see her. I noticed Mark glancing at me with an unreadable expression. Ara was standing beside him, saying something.

“Yeah, Hana has been in a really bad condition. She has barely eaten anything for the past few weeks, no wonder she nearly passed out yesterday. Her sleeping pills won’t work either, so she hasn’t really slept more than 3 hours a night. I am so worried for her, she’s not talking to us anymore. It’s like she’s a ghost,” she said to Mark with a low voice but I was able to hear it. But it made me feel even sadder than before. She really was not taking care of herself. And it’s all my fault…

I looked at my shoes as the other guys were getting ready to our performance. It would be in around 10 minutes, just after the Flower Girls, and Hana… How I wanted to try to talk to her and apologize, but after Lizzie told me that she and the others wouldn’t let me near her, she wasn’t kidding, in every attempt that I did to try to talk to her, I realised that I really couldn’t. And every time I looked at her I could feel my heart breaking, she looked so numb, it was like her soul it wasn’t there, just a weak body, and that made me want to apologize for the stupid words that I said to her and hug her and not ever let her go.

“Hey, unnie. Are you alright?” I heard one of the girls ask from Hana who had just arrived. I started to stare at her but she didn’t turn to me. If it was possible, she looked even more stressed than before.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she smiled a little and nodded to the other girls. “It’s just one performance. It’s not like I couldn’t handle it.” But I knew that the smile that she was giving it was fake, everything on her looked fake, her voice was shaking like she was trying to not cry, she was skinnier, but not in a healthy way.

They looked at her carefully and nodded. If I could have decided, I wouldn’t have let her go to the stage. But then again, she can be really stubborn. And I knew how much the group meant to her. She would everything, even risk her health, to make the girls and the fans proud, and I knew that I didn’t had any right to say her to not do it, besides I didn’t even know if she would want to speak with me.

“It’s our turn now, let’s go unnie!”

And then they went. During the whole performance, I only looked at Hana. She looked like a robot doing the dance, even though there was a (fake) smile plastered on her face. She looked so tired and stressed I just wanted to run to her and make her feel good again. When the song ended, the girls bowed and waved to the audience. Then they started to walk back to backstage. I watched her every movement and as she reached the backstage, she instantly reached for the wall. And then, her legs didn’t keep her up anymore.

“Hana!” I yelled and ran to her.

Hana’s POV

It would be your performance next. You had talked to your oppa for the whole time on the phone before you had to leave, and go wait for your turn with the other members. Your dad was going to his operation soon, and your brother told you that he would update you about the surgery as soon as possible. You were stressed, you knew that your brother was being optimistic, especially because he knew you were freaking out, and he was trying to make you calm before the stage.

At the same time that you wanted to had just take a fly and go home, to your dad, but you couldn’t, you couldn’t let your fans or your members down, and just liked your manager had told you, they needed you and you needed them. But you needed Minseok too, but you didn’t knew if you could count on him anymore. And for now, you preferred to think in your other problems and let him away from your mind a little.

After the first phone call you received from your brother and the break down you had on the rehearsal, you spent the night crying, you didn’t sleep, when you woke up, you were feeling like crap, and probably looking like crap too. The makeup artist had some trouble fixing your eyes, and making it look like you hadn’t been crying.

During the red carpet you had a fake smile the whole time, and you let the girls do most  of the talking since you knew that you voice could break any moment. When the awards started you went to the audience where the other idols were, but you couldn’t pay attention to anything or anyone around you. You stayed there for some minutes before your manager called you backstage before your performance to let you talk with your brother. When you left the chairs you passed so fast by Minseok, that you didn’t even notice how he had been observing you. This whole problem with your dad made you completely forget about Minseok, you were so worried about your dad, and you still had to look okay to the stage that your mind couldn’t think in other things.  

Soon, you were called to go on stage, so you said goodbye to your brother, when you arrived backstage, Jessie was the first to ask if you were okay. You knew that they were worried with you, and they weren’t so sure if you should be on stage, but you gathered yourself to give them a small smile and answered them. You knew that they didn’t buy your claim but they knew better than argue with you, you wouldn’t let them down and would give your best during the performance. You forced yourself to smile as you walked toward the centre of the stage. The other girls stood beside you, and your performance began.

You did every move, you missed no words, but still somehow, you felt so empty. Your head was spinning and you started to walk back to backstage after the song had ended. You could see Minseok looking at you from the side of the stage. As soon as you reached the backstage you had to hold the wall to keep you from falling. Suddenly the spinning in your head became worse, and everything went black. Just before you passed out, you could see Minseok running to you while calling your name. Or was it a dream?