I woke up to Kai sleeping beside me, in his arms. He looks so delicate when he is sleeping. He looks so innocent that I feel guilty for hurting him. Or at least I will hurt him in the future. Or I am already hurting him by liking him. 

"Why are you looking at me?" 

"hmm?" I got a slight shock when he started speaking, with his eyes closed. 

"keke...kwiyeowo.."

"Kai-ya.."

"hmm?"

"aniya...just wanted to call your name..." 

"keke.. why are you being so sweet in the morning? You deserve a kiss.." With that, he leaned forward and gave me peck on my lips. He is always doing that, giving me kisses every now and then. It was sweet of him but i could also feel other things in the kisses. His kisses are filled with love and hurt. Love because he loves me and I love him. Hurt because we are going to leave each other sooner or later. There are things already planned for us ahead. 

"Haena-ya..." 

"copying me?" 

"keke neh~" 

"aigoo..." 

"haena-ya.. is there really no other way for us to be together, forever?" 

"Kai, what have i been telling you?" 

"I know! I remember everything you said... But...I love you... It'll be hard for me to leave you. I need you in my life Na."

"Jongin ah, I love you too... it'll be hard for me too...haiz..." 

"I'm sorry for causing you hurt..." 

"I'm sorry too...." 

Our relationship is full of guilt. There is never a time when we won't be apologising to each other. We owe each other too much. 

"Na~ why don't we..." 

"we what?" 

"we....make love? then you will get pregnant, then I can marry you, then we can be together..." 

"mwol!? hahahaha!" His suggestion made me laugh. He is like a child when he is desperate for ideas. Anything can come up in his mind. He is just so cute. 

"I'm serious Na..." 

"Kai-ya! What are you thinking about? Always so dirtyminded! It won't work my dear...." 

"Why not?" 

"Because if they already have plans for you, this baby won't pose any threat to them. They can make me have an abortion and shut the media up about it. They will make it as if nothing had happened. The baby is innocent. I don't want to kill a life just for the sake of us being together... it's too selfish and cruel..." 

"Mian... I didn't think so far...." 

"gwaenchana...you just wanted a solution..." 

To be honest, I thought of his idea before. A long time ago. When I first fell in love with him. But I thought of what our parents could come up with. I gave up this thought. I can't imagine what kind of methods they can use to achieve their aim. 

Like what I always tell Jongin, we don't have control over our fate. From the moment we're born, we are in the game. We are just pawn to our parents. We are born to inherit their business, to carry on whatever they have done. We are just puppets controlled for their use. We don't have a choice. We can't even choose. There is no way we can be together if our parents don't allow.  

Furthermore, my stepmom is pregnant right now. I lost my mother at a young age. Then my father remarried. Now she's pregnant. If that baby is a male, I will even be cast aside more. I can't even choose. Jongin too has to compete with his stepbrothers. He only has two biological sisters whom have already succumb to this vicious world. They are already married to their husbands who are arranged for them. Although Kai doesn't have an arranged marriage yet, he won't be able to marry the girl he likes. 

This is our life.