I stood under the shower head, cold water splashing on me. To be honest, my mind is still in a mess. How can i just forget about Jongin so easily? We had a few months of relationship and we did fall in love with each other. All these while, he's been taking Sehun's place. What if I actually like Kai and Sehun was the one whom I felt apolegetic to because I lied to him, I left him behind and I didn't even tell him my name. All I had with Sehun was a relationship without a name. What if I didn't take Kai as a substitute? 

No! I can't think this way. It's already over between me and Jongin. He is already engaged. He has his own life and own route to go on. I have Sehun now. The man whom I think about every night and day after I came back to Korea. Now he's back by my side. 

"Na? You ok?" Sehun knocked on the door. I must have been inside for quite long. 

"Err..yea.." I answered. Am I really ok? I don't know.. I'm just so confused. My mind is in a mess. 

"you've been in there for so long.. i thought you fell or something.." Sehun said as I exited from the toilet. He looked very worried. 

"Sorry to make you always worried about me.." I was truly sorry. I feel so bad everytime he looked at me with his eyes full of concern. Is this love? 

"Don't be silly.. I will always be worried about you..." Sehun said. 

"Thank you..." I said. 

"Why are you being so formal?" 

"Am I?" I didn't even realise my tone. Somehow, I don't know how to talk to him. 

"Are you really ok? you seem out of your mind.." 

"I'm fine..really...maybe just tired.." 

"Go have a sleep then..Youngjae's taking his nap.. you can rest.." 

"What about you?" 

"I have to go and work.." 

"Ok..." 

"I'll miss you..." 

"Me too...."

"Really?" Sehun walked closer and looked at me. I looked away, not daring to see him in the eye. "Ok, i shall not tease you anymore..see ya.." He leaned in to kiss me on the forehead. I walked him to the door and waved goodbye to him. I looked at his disappearing backview and sighed. Lee Haena, just what are you thinking? Don't hurt him anymore... 

The next day, I made my way down for breakfast and Sehun was already there. "You're early..." I said to Sehun. He seemed to be smiling happily. 

"Come and have breakfast..." my stepmum said and motioned for me to come and sit. I went to have a seat beside Sehun and ate silently. I was still eating when my dad left for work and my stepmum went to feed my younger brother. It was only me and Sehun at the table. 

"I'm not working today..." He started saying. It felt awkward. "Let's go out..." 

"Sure.." I answered. Why do I feel awkward with him. He kept quiet. I went up to change after breakfast while he waited downstairs. "Where are we going?" I asked. 

"Shall we catch a movie?" He asked and I nodded. He held my hands as we walked out of the house. I felt weird. 

"Sehun ah..." I stopped in my tracks and he turned back. 

"What's wrong?" 

"I..I.." I didn't know what to say but I have to get it out of me. It's bothering me so much. I removed my hand from his. He closed his eyes and took in a breath. 

"I'll take you home.." He said calmly. 

"No Sehun..I have to get it out of my mind..." I said, tears forming in my eyes. Lee Haena, you have no rights to cry. 

"What do you have to say? Stop being so selfish Lee Haena!" He suddenly raised his voice and I stared at him. His eyes were filled with hurt and anger. I know why he is like this. I don't blame him. "You were the one who chose to be with me in the end! You were the one who said you love me! Now you're having second thoughts! I told you to go look for him! You said no and that you love me! But now, what are you doing? What are you thinking? Don't think I can't tell.." 

"Sehun..." 

"Shut up! I don't want to hear anymore from you...If you want to be with him, then go! Stop holding on to me! Are you not done hurting me? Have you hurt me not enough? I knew something was wrong with you since yesterday...I know you can't forget about him...Then go to him... I already gave you my permission.. If you regretted being with me, leave now! It's not the first time after all.." He continued saying. He meant every word he said. Every sentence pricked my heart. 

"I need some time..." 

"You had weeks..you had months...you had time since the day I came back...don't give me that.." 

"Sehun..I'm really sorry.. I really don't know..." 

"Do you love me Lee Haena?" That question struck me. I looked straight into his eyes. I would say yes but the word won't come out easily. I couldn't answer him. "I get it.." He turned around and walked away without looking back a single time. 

"Sehun..." I called after him only when I can't see him anymore. Tears rolled down my cheeks like a flowing tap. It can't be stopped. I just hurt him a second him, badly. What am I doing? I don't deserve him. I don't even deserve Kai. I don't deserve anyone. I'm sorry Sehun. I'm sorry Kai. 

I locked myself in the room and i didn't even go out for dinner. My father and stepmum are worried about me. I know they are but I just wish to be alone now. In the middle of the night, I sneaked out of the house and drove away. I don't know where to go. I just keep driving until I'm away from the city and came to the apartment Kai owned. That place where he said I could come anytime I want. There was no one there, which is good. I needed to be alone. I silenced my phone and sat at the balcony, staring out at the view. I didn't want to think about anything. After who knows how long, I fell asleep. 

I woke up and found a blanket covering me. Someone is here. I headed back into the apartment to see Kai coming out from the toilet. "you're awake?" 

"Jongin..." 

"What were you thinking Na..." He calmly look at me. 

"I..." 

"yeol hyung is with him now.. He is really drunk..." I remained quiet. "Did you off your phone?" I nodded. "Na...I'm getting married next month..." I nodded again. "Go back home soon..." 

"Jongin...I...I don't know what to do.." 

"You love him...you always do...maybe i shouldn't have said all those things to influence you...I could tell you love him...from the way you always talk about him when you're with me...he loves you too..." 

"But I love you too.." 

"No Na..you don't...you just treated me as him...I was just your best friend...And I'll always be.." 

"No..I'm sure..about my feelings.." 

"Then what are you doing here?" 

"Because I don't know how to face him..When I'm with him, i feel so bad.. there is a sense of guilt.. I don't know why.." 

"And when you're with me?" 

"I think about him..." 

"You're really selfish Lee Haena... I didn't want to believe his drunk words.." Kai simply said and snickered. I'm really selfish. I don't deserve to love. "you can't hide for the rest of your life.." He said before closing the door behind him. Sehun left me. Now Kai left me.