“I’ll uhhh…go wash the dishes,” I said as I pointed to the kitchen.
Why the heck did I just do that?
Of course the dishes are in the kitchen.

Mark shook his head, giving me a gentle push towards the bathroom. “Don’t worry about the dishes. I’ll do them since you made dinner for all of us today. Take a shower and get some rest.”
I opened my mouth to say something back but he was already in the kitchen standing in front of the sink that was piled high with dirty dishes. I must’ve stood there for at least 5 minutes watching his scrub and rinse but he didn’t look over once.

Whatever.
Don’t think about it ______________________.
Just shower and retreat back into your own room.
At least things aren’t awkward when we don’t see each other.

I went back into my room, picked up my pajamas off my bed, then went into the bathroom. The only window in the room displayed the dark clouds from outside, sending an involuntary shiver down my back.

I loved the rain and the sound of it on my window.
I just hated the thunder and lightening that came with it sometimes.
Every time the lightening would flash, it would make creepy shadows come alive on my wall. Scared the crap out of me when I was a kid and even now as a college student.
Thunder was a whole other story. The thunder reminded me of my dad’s voice. When he got angry and lost his temper.
I couldn’t remember a time when he spoke in a normal voice. For as long as I can remember, he was always yelling and screaming at my mom and me for the smallest things.
He had anger issues, and coupled with his addiction to alcohol, things at home always got out of hand.
My mom put up with it until he hurt me really badly when he was having one of his regular rage fits. It landed me in the emergency room. She filed for a divorce right after that night, but that didn’t erase it from my memories. I remember that night like the back of my hand. And it always comes back whenever I hear thunder.

“Snap out of it _______________________,” I lightly slapped my cheeks, reaching over the tub to turn the shower on. “He’s out of your life. Everything’s fine now.”
I stepped out of my clothes and into the shower, letting the hot water wash away all the bad memories. It’s not like I want to hold onto these memories. I want to forget everything about my dad…but some part of me wants to hold onto the image of him I had when I was a little kid. When he wasn’t screaming at my mom and me all the time. When we didn’t have to be scared every night.

I stepped out of the shower 15 minutes later, put my pajamas on, and opened the bathroom door, feeling the cool air tingle my skin as it made contact with it. The faint light coming from Mark’s room, lighting up the otherwise dark hallway, told me that he was in there. And he was probably gonna come out soon since he heard me come out of the bathroom.

Which meant it was time for me to hide out in my room until the next morning.

It wasn’t even that late either. I was being so obvious with this.
But I was only acting like this because of our…interesting living arrangements.
My mom was right. Things got awkward. But it was my fault.
If I didn’t have so many raging feelings and confusion up in my head, things wouldn’t have gotten this awkward.

I sank into my bed comforter and pulled my laptop close to my face, trying to distract myself with mindless scrolling through tumblr.
But Kevin’s voice in the back of my head wouldn’t leave me alone as flashbacks of our conversation raced through my mind.

“Ugh! No I’m not in love with him! I can’t be….” I yelled at myself while I shook my head, as if I was trying to shake away the feelings. Or the confusion.
“Can’t be in love with who?”

Mark’s head poked around my door, almost giving me a heart attack.
The high pitched scream that came out of my mouth seriously didn’t sound human.

“Dude what the heck?” I put my hand over my heart as if it was gonna do anything. Maybe it’ll muffle its obnoxiously loud thumping. “Way to knock.”
“Sorry,” his face held the same expression: basically a cold poker face, “I just wanted to see if you wanted anything from Duane Reade.”
I looked outside then back at him. “But it looks like it’s gonna hurricane out there.”
He shrugged, “I need a toothbrush cause Jackson accidentally knocked mine on the floor today when he was washing his hands. Can’t really wait until tomorrow for that.”
I muttered out, “True,” then watched his mouth turn into a line as he stood there and waited.
“Oh sorry. Nah, I don’t really need anything,” I quickly said, taking another look out the window. The clouds outside were a dark, menacing gray color. And it looked like the sky was about to open up and pour any second now.
Mark nodded from the doorframe then turned around and walked towards the front door. I followed him there, snatching up my umbrella from my closet and putting it by the front door.
“Use it,” I motioned towards it after he tied on his shoes. “You know…just in case.”

And for the first time in 2 months, he smiled at me.
Not a halfhearted smile.
Not one of those obligatory, have-to-be-nice smiles.
And actual smile that gradually led into a slight lip bite (an interesting habit of his).

“Thanks,” he scooped up the umbrella with one hand and leaned over to pat my head with his free one. His touch sent a tingle down my spine, and I could feel his touch on my hair still linger even after he turned away and closed the door.

Crap.
Maybe Kevin was right.
I should just stop being in denial and accept it.
Cause there’s really no other logical explanation for this and I’m so sick of the tension at home between us.

But then again, what if he doesn’t feel the same way?
Let’s be real, within the span of 2 months at Columbia, he’s even gotten his own mini fan club.
I would literally be killed if any of them found out that he lived with me.
Then they would resurrect me and kill me again if they found out that I like him.

“Stop overthinking it!” I let out a groan of frustration, tossing myself onto the couch. “Just be happy for once _____________________. Things don’t have to be like this. You’re the one making things awkward for yourself.”

I lost track of how long I laid there, trying to convince myself that I was wrong. That this was all my fault for distancing myself and for thinking that our lives would be a lot easier if we didn’t get emotionally involved with each other.
When in reality, our lives would have been a lot easier if I had just gone with the flow and accepted my feelings when I first felt my heartbeat accelerate every time we made eye contact.

Great.
So how the heck am I suppose to fix things?
I’m in too deep to just start acting normally again and hope he goes with it.
He’s gonna want an explanation.
And then what do I tell him?

Author's Note
chapter title: Do You Like Me?-E-Girls [x]
yay for updating! :D i've been a tad busy lately with applying to graduate school so updates might come a bit slowly but they will definitely come!
comments are much appreciated too! :) they give me motivation to write more hehe
and thanks so much for subscribing for those of you who did! :D you guys are in for an interesting ride hehe :)