Title 4/5

The title of this story is chosen well. Not all manage to use a one word title and pull it off with great effect, so you definitely should feel content in this section. This word is unquestionably very suitable for the story, and the word itself just gives off a strong impression when I first looked at it. However, when I realised that ‘dauntless’ is not just the name of this fan-fiction, I had to deduct a mark. That is because when I see story titles that have a literal meaning in the story (used in the fan-fiction as a name for the highest rank), it doesn’t make the title very creative and original.

Foreword/Description 13/15

 A fantastic one sentence synopsis of your story, but more emphasis on the ranking system is more suitable because the story seems to be based on ‘Dauntless’ from the ranks. Same goes for the foreword, it doesn’t show enough the importance of the ranks. Also, though the foreword and the description give a deep impression of mystery, it lacks background information of the story.

Originality 12/15

From the first chapter to the most updated chapter, I can see a really original story. The ranking system, series of events and the whole complication has a unique sense to it. However, I pointed out two parts in your story which affected the overall creativity. One of them is JaeRa’s method of saving MinYoung, when she was captured in a scene, by outsmarting the killer in using a gun to threaten her own life. Another is the computer chip in the necklace, as I have seen this being used in some stories and dramas/movies.

You have did exceptionally well in this section, because not many people can create a story with unique ideas/concepts.

Writing Style 11/15

I admire your way in expressing emotions and the setting during some scenes, but in other happenings, you either didn’t describe it, or the flow was too fast. The exceptional scenes, in contrast, made other events seem boring. There is this inconsistency in your story which you must avoid. You need to describe mostly every aspect of your story. For example, in the scene where JaeRa and her big brother went back to their old home, I was hoping there will be more elaboration. I could feel that there would be some serious tension and nervousness when walking towards the building, but you just skipped it and went on describing the situation inside of the house exceptionally, which gave me a bit of a disappointment.

Grammar and Spelling 14/15

Your grammar and spelling was another brilliant aspect of the story. Your great English usage has allowed readers to fully understand the expressions and overall mood of the story to a great extent. However, I spotted some typing mistakes (I’m not going to be picky about it as I know missing a letter isn’t some huge spelling problem), but there were some sentences which tense was incorrectly used:

Typing Mistakes:

He said he would protect us. He left us, than mom and dad did too

He said he would protect us. He left us, and then mom and dad did too.

The male worked scowled as he slammed the door

The male worker scowled as he slammed the door

Tense:

It is pretty obviously he was the brains of the operation.

It is pretty obviously he is the brain of the operation.

I needed time to think. I needed time to mourn. I just needed time.

I need time to think. I need time to mourn. I just need time.

Plot 8/10

I really like how the story is unfolding at the moment. Your story really gives off this deep impression and it’s urging me to continue reading it. Nevertheless, it was the realistic factor that deducted marks off. For example, I find it a little absurd how JaeRa would forgive Yongguk that easily. He literally left JaeRa and her young her brother, while they were in constant danger, and he was the only person JaeRa could look up to for help after their parents were murdered. Although he had a good enough reason to leave, I find it difficult to understand the immediate acceptance she had on her older brother. The scene where JaeRa and the group found a microchip in the necklace, and that the chip could potentially kill the computer under strict specifications, also raised the reality factor to my concern. I know YoungJae is a genius when it comes to technology, I reckon having such haste in opening the chip just imaginary.

However, your story does have some magnificent parts. These include the action fighting scenes of JaeRa when she saved her brother and a very memorable and heartbreaking part in the story when JiYoung and a bunch of innocent girls were abused and murdered.

Presentation 10/10

Your layout is simple and neat, and you keep it consistent which is good. Your background is spectacular! The wooden planks are simple, but it makes me think I’m being trapped inside myself, a great metaphor of what JaeRa experiences. However, I think your story lacks a poster which can sum up all the emotions dealt with in the story, but it isn’t compulsory.

Bonus 2/5

You brought out a new type of story which I’ve never read/seen before, like the ranking system and how the government operates in the fan-fiction. I also like how it is based on a very unique girl, and a bunch of guys around her which either admire her or is attracted to her.

Total 74/85

Your story was pleasurable to read, and if you didn’t know already, I subscribed ^^ The hallucination scene in chapter 14 left me gawking at my computer screen, and I just want to read more clever ideas you’ve got planned! I hope you are satisfied with this mark, because your story is brilliant.

(P.S. I reviewed up to chapter 14)

~Frostyblizzard