Calling - HNsenpai
Literature Mused Reviews
Fanfiction: When L Was Alone
Author: HNsenpai
Title: [2/5]
Since this is a horror story, I felt like you could've done much more with your title. 'When L Was Alone' just isn't doing it for me. I mean, anything can happen when L is alone.
Description/Foreword: [1/5]
There's a grammar mistake in the description that I will address later. Your description is two sentences. They're not even two long, descriptive sentences. Again, anything can happen when L is alone. If I didn't know this was a horror story, the possibilities would have been endless. The description and foreword play an important role in capturing your audience and pulling them into the story. Two sentences isn't going to cut it, even if this is a one shot.
Poster/Background: [4/5]
The poster was well done and both the poster and the background fit the story well. The only complaint I have is the flower in the background and the word 'love'. It would have been better if the background was just solid black to fit the mood of the story.
Plot: [2/5]
I can't say that I loved the plot because, to be quite honest, I didn't really enjoy it. I mean, to be realistic, why would he just move out of the Infinite's dorm because they got into an argument. You could have easily put that he just felt like sleeping in his own apartment that night.
Flow: [3/10]
I didn't really like how one chapter ended with one thing and the next chapter started off with something completely different. Like in chapter 4, it ended with the blood dripping but chapter 5 started with something else. It left me hanging, wondering what happened to the blood. There were also some part where I was confused as to what happened.
Writing Style: [2/10]
Your sentences tend to be a bit short and not that descriptive. The author's writing style tends to draw or push the reader in or away from the story. Everyone has a different writing style but there are some similarities in people's writing like description, length, or the flow. I just didn't see anything I liked in the writing style.
Originality: [3/10]
Living in an apartment everyone thinks is haunted. Renting the apartment no one wants and even the manager would give to him. Sounds a bit familiar, no? I've heard this before. The fact that a ghost was behind everything as well? I've heard it too. The lights flickering and the blood, the tap, everything. It's just so familiar and it's like I'm re-reading or re-watching something I've already seen more than 10 times. Some part of the story were original in a horror story like the girlfriend and the fighting but they didn't play a big role.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary: [3/20]
You had a lot of grammar mistakes in this story.
What would happen when INFINITE L was alone?
What would happen if INFINITE's L was alone?
The sentence just doesn't make sense with 'when'.
Sungyeol caused some troubles before the shooting began.
Sungyeol caused some trouble before the shooting began.
There was no need to make it plural.
Recently he fought with Sungyeol, because a girl.
Recently he fought with Sungyeol because of a girl.
There was no need for the comma and the 'of' makes the sentence flow better.
I don’t believe with ghost, right?
I don’t believe in ghost, right?
With is a word like 'together'. I was with her. You had believe with ghosts unless you have a ghost friend and you guys both believe in something together. Then it's I believe, with my ghost friend, that flowers are awesome.
There were many more awkward sentences throughout your story and misuse of some words. There were many sentences you could have easily put together to make the flow more easy going.
Characterization/Details: [3/20]
It's a one shot, I get it. Characterization is very hard in a one shot because you don't get that much space to work with it but I really couldn't get who you wanted him to be. The fighting over the girl and the moving out... was that supposed to make him a drama queen? You could have spent a little more time trying to mold something out of him. Also, I like reading descriptive writing because I want to picture what the author is picturing. That's the fun in reading, right? Imitation. If you leave me with that little description your basically just crippling my imagination, making it less enjoyable.
Overall Enjoyment [1/10]
I love a good horror story. I love getting chills up my back, scared to go to sleep at night because I just keep getting reminded of that particular story. There was so much hype built up when you said in the beginning that it was going to be really scary. To be quite honest, I read your story at midnight with the lights turned off with no one else in my room except me, just so I could get more from the story. I just didn't feel it with this story. When I was done reading it, I wasn't scared one bit. It's a horror story, maybe you could have added something more to it?
Overall: [24/100]
Well... you could have made this story a lot better. I mean, it's not too original but you could've added factors that would have made it so much more scarier like some description maybe? Maybe exaggerating the ghosts on the TV or the sounds throughout the apartment. That would have made it a bit scarier. You have to add detail, come on, make me scared! I hope you take this constructive criticism to help you with your writing. That's the point of getting it reviewed, no?
- YOLOes (reviewer)
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