Calling - lala5611
Literature Mused Reviews
Fanfiction: Haru Haru
Author: lala5611
Title: [1/5]
The title kind of gave everything away for me. Haru Haru is the title for one of Big Bang's songs and since this two shot has some members of Big Bang in it, I knew it was going to be about a girl with some sort of sickness and two guys fighting over her, one trying to get her back and once trying to protect the other male from the truth. The characters were even the same and it isn't that eye-catching either.
Description/Foreword: [2/5]
The description and foreword, like I always say, are the most important part of the first page. No matter how ugly the set up it, no matter how boring it looks, if the reader looks at the description and foreword, and if it's really good, they're going to want to click next and read the story. That just didn't happen for me with this story. It would be better if the foreword and description were more in depth and while I get it's harder to do so with a two shot story, I don't sense much effort in it.
Poster/Background: [5/5]
The poster and background both are very well done. They fit the story really nicely and the poster gives it some sort of depressing feel, even it may be a bit bright which is great for this story because it had a bunch of drama and depressing parts in it.
Plot: [3/5]
I predicted what the plot would be and how the story would turn out, and for the most part, it ended out like I had predicted. It was about two guys and a girl who gets placed in the hospital at the end. However, I didn't expect T.O.P. to have feelings for her as well and I didn't expect GD's girlfriend to get into a car accident at the end.
Flow: [7/10]
I can't say this story had the best flow to it but it wasn't terrible. The correct use of periods and commas would have made it better and there were a few gaps in between the story but it didn't make a horrible difference.
Writing Style: [6/10]
The writing style was similar to many I've seen before. It wasn't bad but the flow, details, and grammar just need a bit of work. It looks as though you get confused on whether to use the periods or the comma and I'm not sure if it's because they're so close to each other on the keyboard or if you're genuinely confused but the difference in between the two makes a huge difference.
Originality: [5/10]
To be quite honest, this story wasn't that original. It takes a bit from the music video and I've seen this kind of story more than once already. Even if the main plot wasn't that original, you did add some things of you own like the lying best friend, Jiyong's girlfriend getting into a car accident and how the girl survives at the end.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary: [11/20]
All of her happiness and enjoyment went a way when someone told her a secret.
All of her happiness and enjoyment went away when someone told her a secret.
Yuki decided to tell Jiyong their was a change of plans and to meet her by the Han River.
Yuki decided to tell Jiyong there was a change of plans and to meet her by the Han River.
Yuki watched at her once lovable boyfriend smiled and walked up to her when he spotted he.
Yuki watched as her once lovable boyfriend smiled and walked up to her when he spotted her.
Yuki could feel her angry that has been building up for some time now finally wanting to burst free.
Yuki could feel her anger that has been building up for some time now finally wanting to burst free.
The once loud court fell deaf on Yuki's ears once she heard what My Lien had to saw.
The once loud court fell deaf on Yuki's ears once she heard what My Lien had to say.
Yuki looked down at her feet in thought. Her hands bunching up her skirt.
Yuki looked down at her feet in thought, her hands bunching up her skirt.
She didn't know it would take this much out of her but My Lien just couldn't help herself seeing Jiyong and Yuki together, it made her jealous. Jealous to the point where at times she could just tell Yuki she was an ugly . Which was not true at all. But she had liked Jiyong at first even though she has never told Yuki that and second because My Lien always wanted what Yuki had a stable and safe relationship with some one who loved her.
She didn't know it would take this much out of her but My Lien just couldn't help herself seeing Jiyong and Yuki together, it made her jealous, jealous to the point where at times, she could just tell Yuki she was an ugly ,which was not true at all, but she had liked Jiyong at first even though shehad never told Yuki that, and second because My Lien always wanted what Yuki had, a stable and safe relationship with someone who loved her.
The hotel -that was hosting the prom- was already filled with students. Who were talking, dancing, or eating.
The hotel -that was hosting the prom- was already filled with students, who were talking, dancing, or eating.
“Listen; if I ever see you touch Yuki again with out her permission, you’re a dead man.”
“Listen; if I ever see you touch Yuki again without her permission, you’re a dead man.”
They’ve gotten into more than one fist fights, all because of one girl.
They’ve gotten into more than one fist fight, all because of one girl.
Jiyong could tried everything he could to forget about Yuki.
Jiyong had tried everything he could to forget about Yuki.
There were some mistakes with grammar where a word was plural when it was supposed to be singular. I also noticed you used some present tense in the story when everything else was in past tense. Other than grammar, I noticed you struggled with fragment sentences and the use of commas. There were several fragments and in some sentences, it looked like you knew how to use a comma but then you just left them out in the next sentence.
Characterization/Details: [15/20]
Characterization in a short story, one shots/two shots, is always hard. There isn't that much time given to mold them and give them that depth that other characters in longer stories have. I think you did a decent job on giving some of the characters in this story some shape. The fact that the main characters believed her best friend just after she had told her that he had been cheating implies that she has a lot of trust in her best friend. She didn't even give him a chance to explain which means she's sort of hard headed as well. Also, GD is the jealous type and I got that out of your writing. However, you didn't go too in depth with the best friend, the other girlfriend, and T.O.P but I'm guessing GD and the main character are the main characters so that's more important. Also, there wasn't as much detail as I would have liked but there wasn't a huge lack of it either.
Overall Enjoyment [5/10]
The story didn't have me intrigued into it the whole time but it was enjoyable. I was kind of expecting more to happen with the best friend. You could have made so much more drama out of the main character finding out like them getting into a fight and proving everyone who was thinking that the story was going to end similar to the music video, including me, wrong by using that small detail but other than that small disappointment, it was an OK story.
Overall: [60/100]
I just think you need to work on your periods and commas. Once again, I'm not sure if it's because they're so close to each other on the keyboard or if you're genuinely confused but the difference in between the two makes a huge difference. Practice using them. It makes the flow seem really awkward when you see too many fragments or comma splices.
-YOLOes (reviewer)
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