Calling - pinkdot121424
Literature Mused Reviews
Fanfiction: Over the Edge
Author: pinkdot121424
First Impression Section
Title [2/5]
I don’t find the title eye-catching even though it indicates that the story consists of sad and emotional contents. However, it does not really attract a reader to check it out. Still, I’m glad that you left the 't' in 'the' uncapped. Thumbs up to you!
Foreword & Description [2.5/10]
I was utterly shocked by your description section.
You barely even typed in a sentence! And it wasn't even a sentence; a fragment, it was. It makes the story look unprofessional and surely you can’t attract a reader with that short of a description. What’s more, it's followed by two simple words – ‘yoonhae’ and ‘yoontae’. Words are scattering around in an unorganized manner. That’s how it appeals to me since the beginning.
In your foreword section, you should abandon your attempt of trying to make the wording beautiful since it doesn’t seem to arouse the readers’ curiosity. Instead it leaves the readers confused before the story actually started.
Graphics [-/5]
Getting a poster and background would be nice. I love seeing those as a reader!
Sub-Total [4.5/15]
Creation Section
Originality [13/30]
The story was fine until it approached the ending. Donghae did not know Yoona before and he started avoiding her after the Facebook incident. However, he admitted that he loves Yoona when she was going to kill herself? I didn't like that. This is what happens in dramas and fictions all the time.
To be honest, the story isn’t really original, but I love how you were inspired to write this through watching videos. Since the story is quite some way from ‘original’, you should try to add more of your personal style and twist it with a dramatic and humorous touch to make it stand out among the many stories which share the same concept as yours.
Storyline / Plot [16/30]
The plot is somewhat cliché, but I couldn’t help enjoying reading the story. I especially found the conflict of the story attractive.
Still, I deducted points as the peak is not presented with enough style and charisma. Peaks are meant to be the point which readers get more excited or nervous; but I’ve already cooled down at the peak, which in this case, is the scene when Yoona was going to kill herself. As mentioned earlier, you should make the peak different by including unexpected happenings.
I love the ending of it, emphasizing the theme on bully issue. The ending worked its magic in making the whole story seem as one which is educational and healthy to read.
Language [12/20]
I spotted an incomplete sentence. Also, look out for punctuations in dialogues and narrations; add in commas wherever you should since you don’t want to keep on babbling without a pause. Check your usage of past tense and spell out your numbers instead of a simple ‘3’ in formal writing. Als, superlative adjectives require a ‘the’ at the front. Carefully check through your spelling as well.
‘She was your ordinary girl’ >> It should be ‘She was an ordinary girl’.
‘Most interesting to her to study’ >> It should be ‘most interesting for her to study’.
‘Walked the lonely hallways’ >> It should be ‘walked along the lonely hallways’; the first one means the lonely hallways are being brought for a walk.
Look out for your sentence structure.
For example, ‘but at most she swallowed 3’ >> It should be ‘but she only swallowed three at the most’.
‘All she did was lie in bed staring at the wall with the occasional sniffle. However, today, Yoona broke down and let it all out in front of her mom.’ This part causes confusion, are you trying to say that she would usually keep it to herself? If it’s so, replace your ‘all she did’ with ‘she would usually’.
To better overcome these problems in language and grammar, I suggest you to proofread your work or have someone else do it for you if English is not your first language.
Flow of Story [15/20]
I had no problem with the flow of your story. The story flows like water. There was an opening, conflict, suspense, peak, and finally an ending. You did it the safe way. Still, I give you the same old advice; look out for your grammar and structure of sentences since it is severe enough to slow down the readers in their reading tracks.
Sub-Total [56/100]
Bonus Section
Characterization [4/10]
The personalities of your characters do not stand out among the many stories out there. Yoona is the helpless girl who lets others bully her without standing up for herself, while Jessica is the popularity queen who bullies the weak. Cliche.
Donghae and Taeyeon are portrayed as people who see fame as so important, they abandon Yoona in order for them to keep their friends. I somewhat like this since it was well portrayed. (Even though I dislike this sort of personality, this is a matter of the author’s skills in writing.)
Style of Writing [8.5/10]
Your writing is descriptive but not verbose; great job. I love your writing style, as I seem to be enjoying the story even though the plot is cliché. You know why? Your story’s got style!
I did not award you with a higher mark though because the grammatical mistakes you make actually affected the mood while reading.
Captivity [3/5]
This is a well-written one-shot. I find it captivating as the story starts to approach the conflict.
However, I’ve cooled down on it as I reached its so-called ‘peak’, the part where Yoona was going to kill herself. Perhaps you should try to spice up that part with a sense of humour or even put in even more emotion.
Format & Layout of Story (Neatness) [2/5]
It looks unorganized here and there, especially in the description section. A LOT of paragraphs were jumbled together like sardines in a tin and then followed by a short few after a line of separation. In other words, the allocations of paragraphs are unequal.
Also, pay more attention to when you should start a new sentence and when should you not. Not only will the construction of the sentence be wrong to when you start one or the latter, it'll also spoil the fun of readers.
Sub-Total [17.6/30]
Total [78/145] / [54/100]
- Claraine
*** Post this as a chapter to you fanfiction just in case we ever delete it. ***
Comments