Calling - kagaki
Literature Mused Reviews
Story Title: Reflection
Author: kagaki
Reviewer: Dhee-licious
First Impressions
Title (3/5):
I love simple titles, this being one worded attracts me to it. That said, it's still just in the middle seeing as I wouldn't be that enclined to take it up if I saw it. A fifty-fifty chance, but it's good in my opinion.
Description/Foreword (2/10):
Plain and short. Sometimes it's better that way but in my opinion, yours is a bit too bland. Nothing to grab the reader's attention. I know this may be a contest entry and you may have thought about keeping it short but every story needs something - that bit of spunk. I couldn't get any of that here though. The "Go to your room and reflect on your actions", in my opinion you should have that standing out so have it on a different line and maybe bold it. The banner credits should be in the foreword not the description.
Poster/Background (5/5):
I really like it! Hands down. It's pretty and something I would be attracted to. I love how you focused on the title as the theme for the poster. Though this was for a contest, I like how Taemin isn't there. I liked that it was focused on the girl. I gave you full marks because I love pretty posters.
Ability to Draw Readers (1/5):
Aside from the lovely poster, it isn't all that eye catching. As I said before, the title gives you a fifty-fifty chance but it's not all that alluring since it's very plain in another perspective.
Sub-Total: 11/25
General
Characterisation (3/5):
The way you made the characters were reasonably predictable. I guessed she'd be the weak type but, fair enough, I didn't expect Taemin to leave her be. I expected him to be the "knight-in-shining-armour" but you proved me wrong. I gave extra points for that.
Plot (2/15):
I expected her to die, or that she was possibly leaving, as soon as I read the first line. I wasn't all that in
Originality (2/10):
Again, like stated above, it was very predictable and many people have the same type of story. If you changed their meeting and the confession, maybe it would have been a bit more original.
Grammar/Spelling (1/20):
Oh dear, I never thought I would see the day that I'd have to correct a long piece of grammar again. But no matter, I shall list down the common mistakes you make. I'll have the grammatical mistakes added in already so I won't point it out if it's not under the "grammar/spelling" section.
Paragraphs -
After each dialogue, you must go onto the next line and continue on, unless it is still the same speaker. Also, make sure you put inverted commas - these things " - after each time a person thinks/speaks. I'll give you and example from your one-shot:
Original:
His feet ran across the sidewalk, bumping people along the way. The harsh winds blew in his face and his legs continued running. "Watch it!" A person said as Taemin knock into a body. "Sorry!" He said darting past him. His heart was pumping as he stopped infront of the crosswalk. He hastly rose his hand and slammed it against the button for the other side to turn red. "Hurry up light!" He jumped up and down. Taking out his phone, he glanced at the time on the screen. "Damn fudge this." He continued running towards the road until he got to the hospital.
"Don't Airi.
Changes:
His feet ran across the sidewalk, bumping into people along the way. The harsh winds blew in his face and his legs continued running.
"Watch it!" A person said as Taemin knock into a body.
"Sorry!" He said darting past him. His heart was pumping as he stopped infront of the crosswalk. He hastily rose his hand and slammed it against the button for the other side to turn red.
"Hurry up, light!" He jumped up and down. Taking out his phone, he glanced at the time on the screen. "Damn, this." He continued running towards the road until he got to the hospital.
"Don't Airi."
Dear, don't be afraid to use profanities. I shall list some of them out for you: , , bastard, and . This isn't even half of the profanities in the world, so look them up. Also, I only listed up one of the many mistakes for this part, there are many different paragraphs you need to change but you can learn to do that yourself. I don't want to spoon feed you, but talk to me if you need some help.
Grammar/Spelling -
Her body was slammed against the wall. Krystal fist came and connected with her gut, Airi fell back and winced in pain.
- Change to, "Her body was slammed against the wall as Krystal's fist came in contact with her gut. Airi fell back and winced in pain."
Soon as she was about to leave, Taemin walked away.
- Change to, 'As soon as she was about to leave, Taemin walked away.'
As he reached inside the hospital, Taemin ran up to the front desk. and stopped.
- Change to, "As he reached inside the hospital, Taemin ran up to the front desk and stopped."
He ran over to the room and put his hand on the doorknob. Cautiosly, he twisted open revealing a patient laying on the bed.
- Change to, "He ran over to the room and put his hand on the door knob. Cautiosly, he twisted open revealing a patient laying on the bed."
Sitting in the closet cair, he reached out and touched her hand.
- Change to, "Sitting in the closest chair, he reached out and touched her hand."
"Sulli and her gang beated me up and I suffered harsh beatings from my brother. So I went through Critical Condition at the hospital. If your friend Minho didn't bring me here, I would of been dead." She told him.
- This has a lot of mistakes, and confusing words for the reader - in my opinion anyways. These words have to be changed to be in the right tense, and to make sense: 'beated' to 'beat'; "I would of been dead" to "I would have been dead".
The words "Critical Condition" is not right. That's a medical state at which the patient is at, not somewhere where the patient goes, i.e. the ER. I think you should replace it with "ICU" / "Intensive Care Unit" or "ER" / "Emergency Room" and then she was said be in a "critical condition". No need for capitalizing it either.
"It's okay, you never ment any harm. "Yes I did, I've hurted you and teased you as these years."
- Change to "It's okay, you never meant any harm." then "Yes I did, I've hurt you and teased you all these years." This seems more fitting.
Forcing heself to sit up, she sat against the wall with her head plopped onto her knees.
- "Plopped" is such a weird word to put in this sentence. It takes away from the dramatic impact of the sentence. "against" or simply, "on her knees" would suffice as a substitute.
Taemin clutched his stomach and slid to the floor. A smile appeared on his, then busted out in laughter. "You should of seen her face!"
- The word "busted" would be best suited to be "bursted". This might have just been a typo but I felt the need to mention it. Again, "should of" does not make sense, I know it may sound like that if you say it but in proper English it is "should have".
"I'm remember, but their were times I wished we haven't. What could I do to make you happy?"
- "I" instead of "I'm"; "didn't" instead of "haven't"; these are best suited for this sentence.
Her fingers pressed against the door knob, cautiosly pushing the door open.
- Another typo here, the spelling of "cautiously" is incorrect above.
His nostirals flared then marched from her sight.
- I forgot to mention this earlier on but seeing this now, there is another mistake like this. "Nostrils" is spelled incorrectly above and the other times you used it.
"Dear Airi,
I know I've been a cruel person for all those years. And I'm sorry, I love you with all my heart. I reflected from all the things I did. God is in your hands for now on. I can't write much but I love you for now until I die.
Sincerely Lee Taemin."
- I felt that the inverted commas - these " " - were very much unnecessary . Possibly putting "Dear Airi," positioned to the left hand side and "Sincerely, Lee Taemin" to the right hand side would give more of an effect of it looking like a letter.
"God is in your hands for now on." makes no sense whatsoever, it some context I could understand it but it is just a matter of wording. The best change would be "You are now in God's hands." or "You are in God's hands for now."
Theres a few I haven't mentioned - nothing major - but with some proof-reading you can see them easily. They were some silly mistakes - I hope they were anyways.
Flow/Pace of the Story (1/5):
I realise that flashbacks are often used for one-shots, but dear, this is a bit much. I get that you were trying to let the readers see the periods where they were together or moments Taemin saw, but what you wrote was more than enough. I think excluding their "happy" moment would have been better and replacing it with a scene where, maybe, he saves her from her brother. It gives the readers more of an "angst" feel. It was a bit too fast, I mean she practically died in less than twenty paragraphs - if you can call them paragraphs.
Overall Enjoyment (0/10):
I'm sorry, but this wasn't exactly a joy to read. I was completely bored by it, nothing made me wonder - unless it was spelling mistakes. I wasn't at the edge of my seat, looking forward to the next thing, and I was certainly not fond of the story or the plot. Nice try though, but I can't give you any marks in this section.
Sub-Total: 9/75
Overall Score:
20/100
Reviewer's Thoughts:
After ages, I finally managed to get this sent in. I'm sorry, forgive me for my lateness but school is being very harsh on me these days. I've got exams coming up in June but as of now, I am on my Easter Break! That means two weeks of being free - more or less, since I do have a life. My reviews will be coming in steadily from now on, I promise, dears! Now onto the actual review, I'm sorry again for my tardy-ness. I hope you like the review and I hope I didn't hurt your feelings but the the truth is what it is. Feel free to contact me for any queries!
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