Story Title: The White Confession of a Choding {one-shot}

Author: xdreammerx

Reviewer: Dhee-licious

First Impression

Title (1.5/5):

As soon as I saw the title, I got the general gist of the one-shot. You kind of gave it away, in my opinion. As an Inspirit, I understood the title but I don't think it's that eye catching. Also, the "one-shot" is a bit unnecessary as you have it as one of the tags already. You got half a point for correctly capitalising and such.

Description/Foreword (2/10):

My prediction was correct! I wanted there to be more subtle hints to the story but you gave what was going to happen. There are some things in this that I suggest you change, you'll see in the Grammar section.

Poster/Background (1/5):

It's a gif. I don't find it very appealing - though I do love him. Maybe get a picture of him or request from a graphics shop. Something light, with a romantic touch to it. A light background would be a nice touch too.

Ability to Draw Readers (1/5):

I wouldn't be to keen on reading this story if I was scrolling past it. The title isn't striking enough for me to stop and look at it if I was scrolling through the tags. Also, if I press onto it, it's a bit bland. I know you may not have time to request for a poster but a simple picture of Sungyeol and a nice background wouldn't hurt, would it? And, as I have said before, you gave away the whole  plot. It would be nice to have some sense of curiosity.

Sub-Total: 5.5/25

General

Characterisation (3.5/5):

They were portrayed pretty well! I like the 'choding'-ness of Sungyeol but felt that the female character was a little too bland. There's not much to base on her, only the fact that she's a huge fan of Infinite. It wasn't bad at all, I could understand and conjure up my own imagery but I felt like I wanted to know more about the girl.

Plot (2/15):

It was pretty predictable. I mean there are so many stories, let alone one-shots, with a fan getting a chance to meet their favourite idol - in your case it went pretty fast though. Sorry, I couldn't give you anymore points for this area than three.

Originality (2/10):

Again, like stated above, it was very predictable and many people have the same type of story. If you changed their meeting and the confession, maybe it would have been a bit more original.

Grammar/Language/Spelling (4/20):

I like some of the words you used but there were so many mistakes, so it was a turn off for me. I hate the wrong spellings and the fact that sometimes I had to stop and comprehend certain sentences. This may be a bit harsh, but polish your grammar and structure of sentences before going ahead with writing stories. I understand English isn't your first language, but that's not an excuse because the majority of writers in AFF don't have English as their first language. It's the same for myself and I'm sure you've seen plenty of other authors that are the same too. I guess writing one-shots is a good practice though.

Description -

Kyurin was a huge Inspirit and Sungyeol was her bias.

- All of the 'was' should be 'is', I'm supposing she didn't just stop being their fan and Sungyeol is still her bias.

Sungyeol found himself falling for Kyurin when he saw her at the filming set. But she doesn't know that.

- After 'set', replace the full stop with a comma.

(Real words from) Sungyeol: "I am a man ... I like people ... And among people I only like females a bit more. Sigh ..."

- Firstly, I think you should remove '(Real words from) Sungyeol:'. I feel that it would be much better without that because it feels somewhat cluttered. Also, the quote is a lot better without the "Sigh..." part.

Kyurin First POV -

“Yah Kyurin-ah, I’ve found a perfect job for you!” Kyuhyun oppa shouted.

- A comma should be placed after 'Yah'.

“What is it? Don’t interrupt my beauty sleep~” I muttered as I tossed and turned inside my blanket.

- I suggest changing that second sentence, possibly something like "And didn't I tell you to never interrupt my beauty sleep?"

“Aish! What on earth is it?! There can be nothing I love more than my sleep right?” I got up grumpily and complained. Then I grabbed over the piece of paper he was holding in his hands, and took a look at it skeptically.

- The second sentence again - I only count 'Aish' as a word. Re-phrasing would be a better option, maybe something like "Don't you realise that I love my sleep more than anything else?". "Then I grabbed ..." This sentence has a two unnecessary words. Take out 'Then' and 'over'.

Sungyeol First POV -

It sure was cliché, but yet it made something tug at my heart. I looked down at the floor and sighed.

- "It was really cliché" Is a better fit in my opinion. I wished I had someone to love too.

Ever since we became trainees and debuted, up until today, none of us had dated.

- Another case of changing some words around. "Ever since we were trainees, to the time we debuted and up until today, none of us had ever dated."

“Boys, go to sleep earlier today okay? You have to wake up early tomorrow to shoot the MV for White Confession.”

- Change earlier to early.

“Yes, hyung!” we all said in unison and began to prepare to sleep.

- Make sure to capitalise after quotation marks, check other parts in the one-shot because I saw a few of these.

To decide the order of which to use the toilet, we had played a game of scissors, paper, stone earlier in the night. Woohyun came in first.

- Change some wording here. "To decide the order of who got to use the toilet first, we played a game of 'rock, paper, scissors'. Woohyun came in first." You can just leave it at that.

“Yah yah I got first just now! Why’re you competing with me now?” Woohyun shouted and blocked the entrance of the toilet, as the other members were trying to squeeze in.

- Commas after each 'yah' or put exclamation marks after each of them. Also, since Sungyeol was included in trying to get in change 'as the other members were' to 'as the rest of us tried to'.

Kyurin Second POV -

“Oh what to do what to do I’m so nervous now~” I chanted as I walked around in circles, rubbing my hands.

- Add a comma after first 'do' and then a full stop after the second one.

We were at the filming set for Infinite’s White Confession MV, and Infinite would arrive anytime soon.

- "We were" to "I was" since you haven't mentioned Kyuhyun.

Ouff!

- Just a suggestion but maybe put asterisks or italics to indicate this was a sound.

Sungyeol Second POV -

While I was walking from one filming destination to the next, I caught a familiar face from the side of my eyes.

- Change 'side' to 'corner', it's a lot more relatable and I think that's what you were gonna say.

Oh? It’s that girl from before.

- Put some sort of indication that this is a thought.

“Ah, you were filming everything~ ahahahaha~” I let out a little laugh and said, “Ah~ I don’t know~!”

- The 'ahahahaha' should just be taken out since you already mention that he let's out a little laugh.

Sungyeol’s Third POV - 

“Thanks.” As I took the bread from her, our hands touched lightly, and my heart started beating really.really.fast.

- I think this was just a case of pressing the wrong buttons but replace the full stops after the 'really' with commas.

“What’re you looking at?” Myungsoo eyed my curiously and began looking in the same direction as I was.

- The 'my' should be 'mine'. Or possibly 'my own eyes' with a comma after it.

“Liar. You were looking so intently.” He shot back, “Is it that girl over there huh? Tsk tsk, Yeollie, always looking at pretty girls.”

- "You were looking so intently." That seems really weird to me. I suggest changing it to, "You were staring so intently."

Oops. What accidentally slipped out of my mouth? ... Phew

- I suggest putting this on the next line, and instead of 'accidentally' I think 'just' would be a better fit. I put the ellipses there to indicate that I'm just moving on ahead. I feel that the "Phew" should have an indication, like a stated previously.

Kyurin’s Third POV -

By the time I recalled it, he was already standing in front of me, panting like mad.

- I understand what you mean by 'mad' but it's a lot better to choose 'heavily' for that.

“Wait! Wait! I…I…have something…to say…” He said while panting.

“Huh? To who?” I said with a blur expression.

- 'He said, still panting.' Also, 'blur' to 'blurred'.

Kyurin’s Fourth POV -

All the passer-bys shot me weird looks, but I didn’t care.

- It's a common mistake you made here but it's 'passers-by' not 'passer-bys'.

Nearing to the end, the grammar became a bit better so that helped you get a bit more marks.

Flow/Pace of the Story (2/5):

The ending came like a snap. I don't like one-shots in particular, unless they are suited to my preference, and this didn't help. I don't like the way it ended just like that. I'm not one to particularly like 'love at first sight' type of stories, and this didn't change my mind in any way. At least it wasn't all over the place though.

Overall Enjoyment (1/10):

I'm not into clichéd stories. I know I make them myself, but that's me writing and originality is hard to come by these days. I read it but even after the first POV, all I started thinking about was that I should keep track of all the mistakes. So it was basically me just fishing for mistakes instead of trying to get into the story, but I couldn't do the latter even though Sungyeol is also my bias.

Sub-Total: 14.5/75

Overall Score:

20/100

Reviewer's Thoughts:

Nice try for this one-shot, with practice you can improve! You have a lot of potential, so don't let this get you down! Use this as your guidance for mistakes that you constantly make and such. Keep trying and I hope to give you a higher score in the future. I've checked one of your stories and I must say there is a big difference! If you continue to write the way you do now, I may have liked this one-shot a bit more. Feel free to chat to me if you have any other queries. Also, sorry for the amount of mistakes I posted up, on a normal basis I would only outline major mistakes but seeing as this is a one-shot I could easily outline each one.