Calling - jidaijidai
Literature Mused Reviews
Fanfiction: The Liar(s)
Author: jidaijidai
Title & Poster: [10/10]
I like the way you 'styled' your title with the use of parenthesis, very unique! Just from your title and poster I got a very dark and ominous feeling, like this story may actually be something very unusual or unexpected. I immediately felt intrigued! Nice Job!
Description/Foreword: [2/10]
You're not really utilizing this area in a way to describe your story. As a suggestion, you could pull an interesting scene from your story and put it in the description to show the reader what they can expect to find within your story. It can attract more readers and it also introduces your writing style right away!
Writing Style: [4/10]
POVs... I really don't like it when they have to be announced. I understand that this is your first fic so you may have just been following the style of other authors but there are other ways to write and style your story without needing to indicate POV. I'm sure you'll get better with time and no longer have to 'rely' on that style. I believe it's really just a crutch for authors that don't know how to otherwise tell their story.
Starting from Chapter 1. You write "Someone's POV". After reading though the opener I didn't understand why you felt it necessary until you switched POVs. I then understood why you use POVs. Your story is very choppy and jumpy, not to mention very... childish? I think I felt it was childish because of how the characters were introduced.
I have yet to read a story with a "Writer POV" so reading it was interesting. It's more like a narration in the first chapter, while in the following ones it's more like an Author POV. Still, you should refrain from labeling POVs all together and just write your story, good writers don't need to announce the POV.
Small note: Try to refrain from using colors within the story. There are other ways to bring attention to certain parts of your story without using color, such as using 'bold' or italics as well as formatting.
Flow: [9/10]
The flow is fine. I have no major complaints here.
Originality: [8/10]
A bit cliché but It is a story of your own creation so it is indeed an original.
Grammar/Punctuation/Vocabulary: [19/25]
I was able to read though your story but not without seeing many small mistakes sprinkled everywhere.
EX in Chapter 3:
"He tries to say that Donghae better doesn’t mess with the girl he is in love with. However, it seems like Hyukjae can’t make it."
Should be: "He tries to tell Donghae not mess with the girl he loves. However,Hyukjae just can’t seem to find the words."
Like I wrote before, they are mainly minor mistakes but they are a bit plentiful, just double check your work!
Characterization/Details: [20/25]
Not bad at all. Through their dialogue, actions and some narration, the characters are all distinct.
Overall score: [72/100]
Comments: Try to grow out of announcing POV, brush up on your grammar and stay away from using colors and your stories will improve. Keep writing & Improving!
-AhnCheonsa
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