Calling - Itsubishi
Literature Mused Reviews
Fanfiction: You Make Me Cry
Author: Itsubishi
Title: 4 out of 5
The title was very interesting, making me anticipate on what the story would be about. I do think it was a bit straight-forward though, throwing off some readers. I have said this many times before, but there will probably never be a perfect story title. There will always be a side that loves it and a side that hates it. I, myself, like this title though.
Description/Foreword: 9 out of 10
I liked the fact that you kept things simple and straight to the point. You added a prelude and a prologue! That's just amazing I tell you! Do you know how long it's been since I've come across an AFF writer who actually knows how to distinguish the two? But I'm sure you get the point As I was saying, you kept things simple. Going into detail, the simplicity gave an empty feeling which is perfect for a story like yours.
Although, bolding and underlining the last sentence of the prelude was a tad bit too much. It would've been fine to just italicize the phrase.
Appearance: 3 out of 5
The poster fitted in well with the angst feeling, but the font you chose conflicted with the rest of your poster. Sorry, I'm a gfx designer myself so I tend to be the opposite of lenient when it comes to these things.
The white background made the appearance lack the most though. Just go on Google and search for a plain black background. That would already help boost the appearance of your story.
The last thing I have to mention is the small font you used on your front page. It's too small, so just be sure to change the sizing.
Plot: 2 out of 5
I found this section rather hard to grade. Here with have the common love-hate abuse plot that is used many times in AFF stories. This story plot did have potential since you, after all, added scenes that gave your story a little twist.
Maybe with more detail, the overall plot would have turned out better.
Flow: 3 out of 10
I also have to agree that your story went way too fast. If written with more detail, this story could have reached chapters.
Another factor to the flow of your story was the large amount of dialogue you used. There was just too much dialogue happening in every single one of your chapters, that I couldn't figure out what was happening half the time. That disrupted the flow of your story greatly.
Writing Style: 1 out of 5
I'm sorry, but the ruined it for me. And yes, writing about is a type of style. Well... at least to me it is. The problem here is that the words you use are just so scientifically said, so smart, that it just makes the whole scene a complete turn-off. I want to feel dammit; it's impossible to feel after seeing the word " hole." And please, I don't want to know about how blood spurted out of her... hole.
I also want to add the fact that there was no description to your scenes. Let me give you an example:
He touched her. He shoved his into her . She started bleeding and . She ran away. He got shot.
You wrote that in three paragraphs, whereas to if you actually wrote with detail, it could've been as long as two chapters.
Nobody ever likes a rush when it comes to . You have to take it nice and slow and let the reader feel . If you can't do that, just take out that whole section in general. Don't ever let me see it. Ever.
And please. Don't cap-size a whole sentence when you're trying to convey how a character is speaking. Instead, just use an exclamation point and simply state "he shouted" or something along the lines of that.
Originality: 7 out of 10
Well it was ok, I guess. I can't really blame you considering the fact that it's impossible to create a totally unique story nowadays. All the brilliant ideas are already gone, sadly. All we can do is innovate.
You did innovate somewhat, especially when it came to Jonghyun. But even after considering that, your story just wasn't quite there.
Mechanics: 14 out of 20
I'm sure you already know where to improve on after reading your reviews, so I'll just mention some of the things they haven't said.
1. Your sentences are run-ons. Don't think your grammar is fine just because you added a bunch of commas. It's still considered as a run-on since you didn't even add conjunctions between your sentences.
2. Start a new paragraph whenever somebody new is speaking. It's very hard to read your story without getting distracted and this is the main reason. Your dialogue is all clumped up into one paragraph when it should be separated into several.
Characterization/Detail: 4 out of 20
I found this story to be more of a script than a story. Remember to always have more description than dialogue or else your story really will become a script. The details in this story are so vague that it really makes it hard for the reader to believe that this is actually an angst story. The characters showed no emotions, or should I that you didn't give them any emotion. They remained as static characters, which is not what you want you want as a writer. They need to be dynamic and seem believable rather than the latter.
Overall Enjoyment: 4 out of 10
To be honest, I found this story long before you requested from us. I added it to my list of fanfictions to read because I was so intrigued just by reading the prologue and prelude. I was excited knowing you requested from us. I really was! But then I started reading and it was just... disappointing. I guess I expected too much from this story. And then there was that scene...
Total Score: 51/100
I really can't get that scene out of my head though.
It was so..
so horrible. I'm sorry, but I just had to tell you straight out.
I'm trying to learn how to properly write such a complicated topic, so let's learn together! LOL.
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