Calling - CrystalxDoll
Literature Mused Reviews
AFF username: CrystalxDoLL
Story Title: The Lux of Love
No. of Chapters: 26
Rated?(yes/no): No
♪Opening
●Title- 4/5
Originally I thought the title was pretty attractive! If not for that particular word ‘Lux’ there, the title would have considering the amount of titles there are on AFF that contains the word ‘Love’ lol~
But the meaning of ‘Lux’ is slightly puzzling to me. I didn’t even know what it was supposed to mean until I have to look it up lol! What I believe it to be is a unit of IL luminance (?), but I’m glad that you’ve made it the name of the lounge here~ ^^
●Poster & Background- 3.5/5
The colours match perfectly, I swear. I love how it represents the genres at the same time the mood and atmosphere you’re trying to portray or apply to the story from the start to finish. But I have to admit that the characters’ pictures here are not really the best I’ve seen. The quality is bad, and the choices are quite random to be honest. I don’t see how their postures or positions reflect in any sense the story itself.
I like how you often have a banner or two or some of the chapters! I like the idea of having extra graphic, it shows that you’re dedicated to the story and really try hard to make it stand out! ^_^
●Description & Foreword- 9/10
I LOVE it. It’s seriously one of the best I’ve witnessed so far~ I’m really impressed with the number of astounding vocabulary that can be found throughout the description!
I LOVE it. It’s seriously one of the best I’ve witnessed so far~ I’m really impressed with the number of astounding vocabulary that can be found throughout the description!
At first I was about to scold you about not being clear with the description lol~ but I like how you revealed elements of the characters without letting the readers entirely comprehend them. Their personas were described with skill (and it was fun to read because of the mentioning for the powers), but at the same time it was not a bit revealing at all~^^
>>Total: 16.5/20<<
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♪Contents
●Creativity/Originality: 8/10
It’s really hard to find such a fluffy story that’s written in such an awesome manner! The genres mentioned here are truly significant, it influenced the way I viewed every aspect involved in judging a story. I love how the story progresses with assignments and missions, just like one would experience when they’re watching a TV show or series; The characters develop along with the storyline too, which adds to the enjoyment even further!
Although the story got a bit serious later on~ I like the sudden change that altered the story so it wasn’t focused on the same, old funny and witty events. I took away a bit of marks for the resemblance of the anime (that you mentioned~ I LOVE IT btw), and for the brief and slightly undeveloped beginning of the story.
●Plot- 18/20
Generally, I never thought I would be reading any story as fluffy as this! But I could almost imagine everything! Lots of twists were silly to their extent but it was as if I was watching the events play right in front of me! And I’m loving the idea of ‘special orders’ lol~
Events are funny and nevertheless just inane! XD But that’s the whole point isn’t it? "I..I-'m sorry." I then turned myself into a piece of cotton so that I could be small enough to slide out of Joon's tight grip. Youngmin, who was also infuriated, blasted water at me. I'm now a soggy and soaked piece of cotton. Youngmin picked me up and scowled at me. "You owe us bigtime." (chp3)- It’s quirky, it’s fun and one would seriously have a blast reading the story.
But what I’d figured out was that sometimes you delivered the plot information wrong to your previous statements. For e.g. It was Youngmin’s fault because he destroyed the camera instead of Joon (chp2); It should be 3 people since it’s Narsha, Min, and Ga in?(chp5) Be careful with these contradictions, they might be trivia but they stood out significantly to me~ (or maybe just me…? O_O)
●Chapter Titles- 4/5
The first thing I want to comment is the simplicity of your chapter titles. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong being straight-forward and direct, in fact it’s very informative!
I’m not sure about whether your chapter titles are in the right tense though; ‘Chapter 3 – Suzy Moves In’ – the story is in past tense, but the titles are in present?; oh and watch out for mistakes: ‘Chapter 26 – Yoseob and Joon Lets Go’- it should be let go;
I’m almost getting a sense of you trying to make the chapter titles simple and almost childish sounding in order to match the fluffiness of the story ! My preferable ones are: ‘Chapter 5 – The Model Snatcher’- fun to read; ‘Chapter 19 – Suzy’s First Kiss’ – stimulates curiosity.
●Flow- 8/10
I really like how you inserted cliff-hangers once in a while (chp5), although it’s not an often occurrence it’s handled well enough to keep the readers interested!
The events connect with each other (chp6-7: How Suzy got sick after that incident), basically because they are missions and their after-maths lol~
The reason why I deducted some marks would be the way characters’ development kicked in a little than I’d expected. It was mostly fun and games, but more serious stuff came in later although I would have preferred a consistency of that! ^^
>>Total: 32/45<<
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♪Expression
●Characterization- 13/15:
Although no solid backgrounds for each person were firstly presented, I like how you focus on Suzy most of the time and revealed details about her little by little. Every character here is assigned a very vivid persona that can be detected among crowds and I really like the sound of that!
1) Suzy: perhaps she has high ego for herself? “Also, why the hell am I just worth 100,00 won? I'm priceless, I tell ya” (chp1) As the main female lead, I find her… okay. Although she’s sassy and iridescent as a person I personally just don’t find her attractive as the main girl lead. T_T But that doesn’t really alter anything since she has such an individuality to show throughout the story.
2) Yoseob: OMG his is damn right cute!!! “He then turned into a cute puppy and sat beside me with his puppy dog eyes while wagging his tail. "Please~?" Dammit, it's just irresistible.”(chp3) – I adore him lol~ he’s basically the mood-maker and I LOVE his powers (which are used very efficiently throughout lol~XD)
3) Joon: As to Joon, I’d have to say he is my favourite here~ "Hey, don't just stand there and take some orders will ya?" Joon commanded as he was adoring himself in the mirror.”(chp2)- diva, I like how every character is described just as they are in the description page; “Joon on the other hand just casually made himself a cocktail to drink and watched us tire ourselves out. Screw you, Joon.”(chp4)- it seemed like Joon and Suzy didn’t start things off on a good term; but then again, there were constant developments that were excellent. (chp10)
I love the bond between all of them though, and that’s really the main concept that shines out here: “After all, Suzy is someone we cherish a lot.”(chp13) that line seriously made me go AWWW!
The rest took pretty much a role that is similar to their set characters from ‘Ouran High School host Club’, to which I took away marks for originality. But I wouldn’t say it’s anything to worry because your way of making each character special is indeed impeccable!
●Writing Style- 8.8/10
I find your writing style very relaxing, and enjoyable to read. You’re certainly no newbie in this field and I really admire you for acquiring the skills needed to create such a fluffy story and yet so well described at the same time!
1) Focus on Dialogues: I’ve noticed that you almost start every sentence with a line of dialogue, rather than clarifying the settings etc. This is not a flaw really, but a reminder as to how you write and what stands out from your writing.
2) Vocabulary: although most of them are really impressive, I would rather for some to not repeat themselves. A few times with a gap of 2,3 chapters is acceptable but the same repetition nearly every paragraph would be appear to be disappointing.
3) Tenses: be careful with some of the tenses involved in the story. Since it’s written in first person I have a hard time trying to determine whether you use the right tense at the right time or not (lol), sometimes there are slip-ups though, so be aware of that!
But hey, overall you’re seriously awesome at writing! Keep it up and remember there’s always room for improvement. But judging from this story I’d say you’re skilled at portraying visuals without a descriptive setting~ ^_^
●Mechanics: 7/10
I didn’t finish ‘reviewing’ the story, but I did read it all. I tried my best trying to pick out the mistakes, but you need to keep in mind that the mistakes I’ve picked up is not all there is.
*Mistakes:
>”their opposing powers are useful if combined. “(D+F)- should be ‘when’;
>”His passive and supportive power of invisibility and force fields suits his will to protect any woman.”(D+F)- should be ‘suit’;
>”Jo Kwon and handed him my letter of resignation. “(chp1)- should it be ‘Jo Kwon and I’?;
>”As they were about to leave Lux, I begged them to come with me.”(chp2)- do you mean ‘I begged them to allow me to go with them’?;
>”"Taemin, make us all invisible." I ordered and all of us were immediately unseen. Youngmin then splashed water at the camera, thus, destroying it. "Joon, wasn't it a bit more logical to not destroy the camera so that we could get the guy's fingerprint or something?" Kwangmin pointed out and dammit, he's right. I just remained silent to hide my mistake and let it go.”(chp2)- don’t you mean it’s Youngmin’s fault? XD;
>”I cleared my throat and professionally announced. "Okay, fine. She can join but from now on, she has to live with us upstairs so that she canaccessible."”(chp2)- should be ‘be accessible’;
>”It's now 2PM and I'm waiting for Jokwon to arrive”(chp8)- lol… I know what you’re trying to emphasise but it should be ‘2 p.m.’;
>”"Guys~! What about moral support here?!" I tried to get their attention but the only answer I got was, "Just win already so we can go home."(chp14)- wait, who’s the subject here?;
>”"Prepare to get beat, Taemin."(chp19)- should be ‘beaten’;
*Tenses:
>”Suzy, a popular model who recently quit her job due to its harsh working conditions,” & “I told them everything, how I needed a job since I quit modeling and how Key just sold me to the shallow Yoseob.(D+F) & (chp1)- should be ‘quitted’;
>”This'll be a problem, there's no bed at all. Suddenly, Yoseob entered the room with much excitement. “(chp3)- should be ‘would’ & ‘was no bed’;
>”Vengeance is served.”(chp6)- should be ‘was’;
>”Everything is running smoothly with Joon serving cocktails being the narcissist that he is and the twins who are teasing Yoseob in order to give a good fan service to our female guests. Yes, everything is going so well.”(chp7)- should be ‘was’ & ‘were’, you know which one’s which~;
>”I mean, her hands were shaking whenever she gives a drink to someone,”(chp7)- should be ‘gave’;
>”The catch is that everyone's skills will be unknown until the battle commences. “(chp11)- should be ‘was’, ‘would’,’ commenced’;
>”The arena is basically a part of the place and it's still filled with people so I better not hurtanyone here. “(chp12)- should be ‘was’;
>”"Joon~! That hurt."(chp12)- should be ‘hurts’;
>”she has a belt full of bullets and other small explosives.”(chp14)- should be ‘had’;
>”and Joon is snoring like papa bear with a full stomach after eating his overly hot porridge. “(chp19)- should be ‘was’;
It’s not THAT much, but I’d say they are unintended mistakes that can easily go by the eye if not careful. Read it again after posting the chapter, but with a reader’s perspective. This way you can really see the flaws in the story and simultaneously get a better insight of the emotions portrayed.
>>Total: 29.3/35<<
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●Bonus- 4/5
This is actually my first time reviewing such a fluffy story! But you pulled it off, and that’s all it matters right? ^_^ It was generally a good read and I certainly had fun~
>>>TOTAL: 88%<<<
(out of 100 marks)
A2
What more can I say? You well deserve this A~ ^_^ (wait, that rhymes…XD) But yeah, keep doing what you’re doing because it’s definitely getting you somewhere! AJA AJA Hwaiting! :D
-supshaz
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