Calling - xdreammerx
Literature Mused Reviews
Fanfiction: The Lights at the Window Opposite My Room
Author: xdreammerx
First Impression Section
Title [1.5/5]
It’s too long for a title as it sounds more like a beautiful phrase rather than a suggestive title. I know how well the title relates to the story only after reading it. A little suggestion of mine: maybe ‘Lights from the Window Across, my Companion’ would be better.
Foreword & Description [4/10]
The part of your ‘disclaimer’ should be put into your ‘foreword’, not ‘description’. Besides, giving your readers a peek of the story in way important compared to what you’ve got to say since the description is probably what determines your gaining of a reader or otherwise.
I was expecting more in the description though. Getting to know that it’s ‘another love story’ doesn’t help much in luring the reader to turn to the next page.
Graphics [-/5]
I did not consider this part into the review, but I was hoping that you were going to have one. Graphics always help, and it serves an important role, in attracting new readers.
Sub-Total [5.5/15]
Creation Section
Originality [17/30]
The way the main characters met is rather cliché. Guy helped girl, guy and girl became close friends instantly, and woah there! It's Valentine's Day! I suggest that you make it a a short chaptered fiction rather than a one-shot if the idea isn’t real fresh. My reasoning is because cliché plots seems more acceptable in chaptered fiction, and also because writers have more opportunity to add in his/her own style into it. On the other hand, chances in one-shots are rather limited.
However, I like the whole concept on the window thing; it was very comfortable to read.
Storyline / Plot [12/30]
OH MY GOD, you didn’t! The part where the two main characters talked on the phone the first night they got to know each other was extremely cheesy! Still, I liked it.
It was a very unpredicted storyline. Actually there was nothing to predict on since nothing much happened. The story went on rather flatly; try adding in twists of dramas or conflicts.
Language [13.5/20]
You messed up past tense and present tense in certain part. Be sure to proof-read it. Otherwise, ask for someone professional or equally good to do it. Look out for your countable and uncountable nouns; it determines the usage of ‘is’/’are’.
Your choice of words is good though.
Flow of Story [12/20]
I get that it’s a one-shot, but that doesn’t mean that you’ve to hurry things over. The storyline is fast; strangers to companions, companions to valentines. And then, here comes ‘the next few months’.
Really, what’s the hurry?
Sub-Total [54.5/100]
Bonus Section
Characterization [5/10]
I can’t believe it, the girl is rather straightforward. She said she loved him too before he even got it out. I don’t really see much of characters’ personality from the short amount of writing. Still, I like how both of them seem being fated to be companions of life. Similar to the storyline, a little twist to the characters’ personality would have made the story even interesting.
Style of Writing [5/10]
You’ve a bad habit of continuing your sentences without a pause, just like your title. Get rid of it, and you shall do a lot better. Other than that, everything else seems fine to me. It was safe, but nothing too eye-catching. Safe. Still, there’s always room for improvement. Another of my suggestions: read more and pick up something from great authors.
Captivity [1/5]
After coming across many one-shots, there was only one that I would call ‘captivating’. Usually one-shots end before anything started (of course something started, it’s just the way things seem like). This one was no exception.
Format & Layout of Story (Neatness) [4.5/5]
There were no long and never-ending paragraphs. That scores a point for you. I love the way you separate different characters’ point of view with different colours. Adding a space between might make it even neater, and neater is always better.
Sub-Total [15.5/30]
Total [75.5/145] / [52/100]
Ah, working on one-shots is always tougher (for both authors and reviewers) compared to chapter fictions since one-shots are meant to be concentrated yet fresh.Good try though.
Don’t think too bad of it that I gave a rather low mark for it.
This is because after gaining experience in reviewing a few one-shots, I’ve finally grasped the way to review it properly and strictly.
All the best to you.
~Claraine
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