Calling - kirakirashahida
Literature Mused Reviews
Fanfiction: Then, Now
Author: kirakirashahida
Title [3/5]
I think the title could’ve been better. It was short, but perhaps too short. Then. Now. We have two tenses, but it’s just not enough information as to what this fic is about, or what the theme of it is. We just know that there’s something from the past and something from the present. And there’s not even a conjunction! Not only is this a fragment, but it’s literally just two words with contrasting meanings.Then and Now would’ve been better; however, it’s a vague title.
Poster/Trailer/Background [4/10]
First off, I loved how clean and high quality the poster was, but I wish it had the title of the fic on it. When advertising a fic, it’s odd to see a quote or some sort of side thought thrown on but without a title. It was a nice touch with making Suzy’s picture grey and finding a picture of Myungsoo looking almost like he’s in deep thought. I also took points off for not having a background. In most oneshots, I usually don’t mind that there’s a white background, but here, I felt that it needed some ambiance. Maybe a plain grayish design would work.
Description/Foreword [6/10]
Firstly, I think this description is way too short. It’s mysterious and incredibly interesting, but it’s extremely short, as well as a bit vague. I really wish you’d made it longer to pull readers in more.
Plot [8/10]
The plot was very interesting. At first I thought I wouldn’t like this fic, but after reading the first paragraph or so, it was quite intriguing. I really have no comments on it though. It reminded me of a movie I’d seen before, but it was interesting that you added a third character to make it a love triangle.
Characterization [5/5]
Your characters are well developed and I really like the way you portrayed Myungsoo. It seemed very realistic. You showed both a high class side of school—Minho’s way of life—and the lower class—Suzy’s family.
Originality [7/10]
Because I’ve seen this sort of concept in movies, I can’t give you a perfect mark, but I can say that it was very creative that Myungsoo and Minho were fighting over the same girl without ever confronting. It was quiet interesting, really.
Flow [2/5]
Mostly, I felt this fic was a bit chopped up. It was neat and nearly chronological, but it still switched points of views a lot. I seriously got a headache from reading it. I felt like you took random parts of each character’s day in which they interacted with each other and alternately wrote it in a different point of view each time.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary [20/25]
You’re English is amazing! I found only a few mistakes. You most prominent problem is understanding the vocabulary or finding synonyms for lack of better words. In the first part of your fic, you put:
“He stood in front of the classroom, his face betraying no emotions.”
Though the word betraying is not necessarily the wrong word, it’s not the best. Perhaps conveying or portraying would’ve been better.
In addition, I also found a sentence that barely made sense. You wrote:
“She thought it was only her imagining the same dribbling sound that she heard a year ago.”
This sentence should not be worded this way. It sounds like you couldn’t find the correct words, and I know the feeling. I suggest rewording the sentence to say, “She thought she was only imagining the same dribbling sound that she heard a year ago.”
Writing Style [2/10]
I didn’t really like your writing style. It’s chopped and very hard to follow. The way you word things is extremely vague, and I actually really like mystery and a bit of abstractness, but this was just an overflow of never knowing which character is which. I really think you should work on this kind of style. I actually use this style quite frequently, in which the scenes are quick and change abruptly and is still connected to each event, but with vagueness between each section. I understand it well, but here, it’s just an overload of no distinction.
Overall Enjoyment [5/10]
Overall, it was brilliant; however, a little cliché. Your vocabulary is awesome, but your writing style needs improvement. Don’t give up on it. You only get better with writing more stories like it.
Overall score: [62/100]
-Star_Sarang (reviewer)
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