Calling - sweet_love_23
Literature Mused Reviews
Fanfiction: Enduring Endless Pain
Author: sweet_love_23
Title 4/5:
Your title relates to the story well and isn't too long. The only problem is that it gives out a bit of the plot and is hinting that this story will have a tragic ending.
Poster/Background 1/5:
Honestly, I didn't like the poster of your story, especially the fonts. I guess it's just my own preference. Sure, it shows the readers that it's going to be a sad story and stuffs but I just feel that something attractive is missing from the poster. There was also a grammatical error on the poster. It's supposed to be "I married you only because I wanted your love, Dong Young Bae". Oh and I suggest that you put a background for your story; it'll look a lot better. Since you're a poster-maker, I think it won't be hard for you to make a background or just simply search for one in photobucket.
Foreword/Description 3/10:
I'm sorry to say this but your description is a mess. You crammed everything in one sentence and separated the sentences with a period instead of a comma.
Change it to:
No matter how much you hate me,
No matter how much you make me cry,
No matter how much you hurt me,
It still doesn't change the fact that I love you.
As for you foreword, it's good that you didn't cram it all together like what you did in the description box, but there are still quite a lot of mistakes you need to correct. Plus, I think it looks a little too plain. Sometimes, the type and size of the font you choose can affect the reader's interest in your story. Some nice fonts I can suggest are Trebuchet MS and Georgia. But remember, if you have decided to choose one font, use it throughout the story.
So now, let me point out the mistakes that you made in your foreword.
1.) On the third line, you typed "He's disgust by my face". It's supposed to be "He's disgusted by my face."
2.) There was some confusion about the tenses in the seventh line.
Wrong: According to him, it was my own fault that I ended up this way. It’s me. It always is.
Correct: To him, it's my fault I ended up this way. It's me. It always has been.
3.) Just discard the part where you listed your characters. You already mentioned them in "Characters" so you don't have to repeat that again.
Plot 12/15:
The plot is actually quite good! This is my second time reading a story with a sad ending and I have to admit that I like the plot. Whenever Taeyang abuses Yoora, I get really mad and feel like giving him a big slap. And then there are scenes which are really sad. Like how Yoora died. The letter in the last chapter was really well-written. So overall, good plot!
Originality 7/10:
Stories about abusing are quite common here on AFF if you're going to write a sad story. It's either about bullying, unrequited love, or ual abuse. Your story contains unrequited love and ual abuse so yeah. However, it's good to see you add your own twists here and there. It makes your story slightly better.
Flow 10 /10:
Yeah, the flow is quite smooth. Your story wasn't dragged neither was it too fast. Oh and I also like how the foreshadowing technique was added at the right time and right place.
Grammar & Spelling 15/20:
I could spot quite a few mistakes throughout the story; I've listed them down for you.
1.) " Although I know the grief and pain he brings with him when he’s around the house; my heart won’t allow me to rest when he’s out late."
You should use a comma instead of a semicolon in this sentence. Semicolons are used to separate two sentences that are independent. Like for example: Taeyang is my husband. Yoora is his wife. These are the examples of sentences that are independent. So if you want to use a semicolon in this sentence, it'll be like this. "Taeyang is my husband; Yoora is his wife."
As for sentences that needs to depend on others, which people call fragments, need commas to separate them. Some examples of fragments are: Although she likes him, Angels without wings etc. These sentences can't stand by themselves. So you need a comma in between.
So for your sentence above, you should change it to "Although I know that he brings grief and pain with him when he's around the house, my heart won't allow me to rest when he's out late."
2.) You use too much periods. Learn to use other punctuation marks such as commas, semicolons, dashes and parentheses.
3.) "Tae Yang knows that I’m ignoring him so he takes another approach. Tae Yang uses his foot to stomp on my hand."
As you can see, Taeyang is repeated twice. You can combine these two sentences by cutting off part of the first sentence and add the second one in. "Taeyang knows that I'm ignoring him so he decided to take another approach, by stomping on my hand."
4.) "I want Tae Yang to love me like I did him."
The correct way to portray this sentence would be, "I want Tae Yang to love me as much as I love him."
5.)" The sigh of the pretty girl makes me jealous."
Do you see anything wrong with this sentence? Yes, there's a typo. It's supposed to be sight not sigh. That's a good reason why you have to proofread your stories.
6.) "TOP…. What a weird name for a weird person."
I know you're trying to use an epilogue in this sentence but an epilogue only consists of three dots. So the correct way would be, " TOP… What a weird name for a weird person."
So yeah, these are basically the mistakes you have to correct. Take the time to proofread your stories and it'll definitely help you gain subscribers.
Writing Style 10/15:
Firstly, I'd like to compliment you for your consistency of using the same tense throughout the whole chapter. Usually, people use past tense but you used the present tense. It's harder to use the present tense in my opinion. So yeah, good job.
And as I said earlier, I like how the foreshadowing technique was used at the end of the chapters. It makes the reader nervous about what Yoora's fate with Taeyang would be like. But in the end, she still died.
Overall Enjoyment 7/10:
The story was alright. Although some of the mistakes in the story bothered me, I could see that there were a lot of hard work and emotions put into this story.
Total score: 69/100
Reviewer's comment: Your review is finally done! I apologize if I took too long. And if I sounded really mean or was too harsh on you, sorry. >< Just wanted to point out things so you can improve. Always remember to proofread your stories and enable the spelling check if you're typing right on AFF. Remember to credit our shop in either your foreword or description. Thank you for requesting from our shop and I hope you have an awesome day! <3
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