Welcome to My Life... by unknown_anon

reviewed by supershineeftw

# of chapters: 22 (completed)

title | three out of five
This title did not really appeal to me. It might’ve been because there’s a song by Simple Plan also by this name. I sort of get how it relates to the story, but not really. To me, it would’ve been about their actual life, with their family and everything, instead of their stay at a mental hospital.  


appearance | five out of ten
The background of a mental hospital sort of set the mood of how the characters are feeling, their surroundings and whatnot. For the poster, Eunhyuk and Donghae’s expressions do not really match the mood of the story; Heechul’s doesn’t either. Also, Kyuhyun’s picture is black and white, which makes it stand out from the rest of the pictures; I would prefer it if either all the pictures were black and white or not. At first glance, the actual story is just like a chunk of writing. It would make it easier to read if you broke them apart instead of one big paragraph. 


description & foreword | seven out of ten
There were some grammatical and spelling errors. Usually, different text alignments do not work for me, but for this particular situation, it does. I think you should make it all one color though instead of a variety of colors. I like how you give little excerpts from the individual characters in the foreword. They seem like they’re from a song though; if so, you should state that.   

plot | eight out of fifteen

This plot is similar to those of other mental hospital stories on AFF, with different, more unusual pairings. It was a bit fast paced. You should’ve given more details in the actual story instead of posting it in another story. Some things were confusing to me, such as when each pairing became a couple. I mean, one second, they’re kissing right after meeting each other, and the next, they’re an official couple.

characterization | seven out of fifteen 
Your characters seem like the opposite of a Mary Sue; they had no “good traits.” All I got from them was that they had hate on the inside and were abused during their childhood. Also, now that I’m talking about their childhood, you should’ve talked more about their actual feelings and thoughts. What did they go through? What exactly did those people do to hurt them/make them become this way?  


story flow | six out of ten 
The story is a little fast paced and the ending was rushed. Yesung barely went into the hospital and came out what, a few weeks later? You should’ve elaborated more on their healing process. Surely, if these mental patients had been ill for such a long time, they would not be let out so easily, let alone go back to “normal” so quickly. What I’m trying to say is, even though this is fanfiction, there should still be some element of reality in there. 


writing—spelling, grammar, & punctuation  | nine out of twenty-five
You had a lot of grammar and punctuation and mistakes while your spelling was fine. Did you use two commas in the place of quotes?  

Incorrect: I looked to the door, thinking about going out as someone laid his hands on my shoulder. I jumped in shock and turned around, but it was only Henry. ,,Jongwoon? Are you afraid of him?” ,,Yes..” I said and Henry nodded. ,,Hee, wear this!” He said and gave Hee the straight jacket back.

Correct: I looked to the door, thinking about going out as someone laid his hands on my shoulder. I jumped in shock and turned around, but it was only Henry, “Jongwoon? Are you afraid of him?”

“Yes...” I said and Henry nodded.

“Hee, wear this!” He said and gave Hee the straight jacket back.

When a character is speaking, always use quotation marks to frame their speech, and only quotation marks. Also when someone else starts speaking, you have to start a new line no matter what. If you have text before the actual dialogue, there needs to be a comma, not a period. When you use an ellipsis, the dot-dot-dot, there should be three dots and three dots only, no more, no less.

curiosity of reading more | two out of five
The story was not really appealing to me. Maybe it was the basic appearance of your story. This could’ve caused other readers to close your story. Perhaps it was the confusion that your story caused me. Some things weren’t really clearly stated. Just remember that your readers don’t know what you’re thinking. 


originality | three out of five
Out of all the mental hospital type stories that I’ve seen on AFF, this was like most of them. If you had elaborated more on their feelings, thoughts, and background, it might’ve made your story even better.   
 

general comments:

This may not have the best story that I’ve ever read but it was a fairly well-written one. This may not have been the score that you were expecting, but don’t be discouraged. Just work on your flow and punctuation. :D 
 

Total Score | 50/100 | 50% F