Title 2/5

The title relates to the story well, but it just didn’t attract my attention. “The secret” is really vague, it could be for anything, from some mystery crime solving case to the romance your story is about. I would recommend a more romantic, yet heart-breaking title.

Foreword/Description 5/15

First off, don’t put the title into the ‘Description’ area, there are many things you could put in there; like the setting of the story, or an interesting quote from a character in your story. The quote can enhance the quality for the description and may give a little information on the character.

The foreword was fine up till to part where you, the author, adds in a few words about the story. You should put a sub-heading to show the readers clearly, it is you who is speaking and it’s not part of the story. Lastly, you stated ‘Warning: To The may contain many grammatical errors which might make you felt feel very irritating when reading the story.’ Even though it may be for humorous purposes, it makes the reader feel a bit uneasy to know that you will have grammar mistakes.

However, your two-sentence foreword is a bit enticing; it does make me want to find out what happens.

Originality 8/15

Your story does have a bit of a unique flavour. However, since the story was based on Maki’s “secret” (her pregnancy), it took away a lot of the marks. When I first started reading the story, I had high hopes in what the secret was about and how it would be exposed, or tried to be kept hidden within a person. However, it turned out to be Maki being pregnant, and running away from the entertainment circle to provide a better life style for herself, and her future child, and that isn’t very original.

Though there were some parts that contributed to the story to make it unique, the fact that it centred on the secret, only affected the originality slightly. I still enjoy the quirky bits popping up randomly throughout the story, and I wish there were more.

Writing Style 11/15

There were two main issues, the flow of the story and the confusing quoting structure. The flow wasn’t constant throughout the story, it went too slowly at the start, and then it progressed smoothly, before having a rushed ending. The main problem was at the start, because in the first 30 chapters it literally had little story development. It was mainly about introducing all the characters and some information about their background, but that could have been done using less chapters.

There is only one correct quoting structure, and this is how you are suppose to set it out:

“I hate you,” A said. He continued, “But I can’t forget about you.”

However, you did it this way:

“I hate you,” A said. He continued,

“But I can’t forget about you.”

It will seriously confuse readers when you put what the same person is saying on a new line because they will think it is a new person talking.

Another thing I would like to note is the inadequate number of emotive language being used. You expressed emotions and feelings in a way the reader can broadly understand the character’s feelings, but taking a step further by explaining in detail how Maki felt and grasping onto those emotions to continue on with your story would dramatically increase the quality of your story work.

Grammar and Spelling 7/15

I have to be straight with you, there were a lot of English mistakes. Sometimes I could figure out what you are trying to express in the story, but other times, it was very difficult to interpret what you are trying to get through. I will list what you did wrong, give you an example from your text and correct it.

Basic sentence structure:

I don’t want you to feel guilty about you action, Just believe to yourself, Just like I believe you.

I don’t want you to feel guilty about your actions. Just believe yourself like I believe you.

Tense:

Why did she felt hesitate now.

Why did she feel hesitant now?

Errors which covered more than one aspect:

But that did not stopped the twins who were just now frown, now smiled sheepishly.

However, that did not stop the twins who were just frowning, suddenly smiling sheepishly

The woman who was just now ran to her panted and inhaled as much breath as she could

The woman, who was just running to her, panted and tried to inhale as much air as she could.

Sentences which couldn’t be understood:

She even though that what for building a family from destructing the relationship of others

Aside from these mistakes, I advise you to use a spelling checker, because silly typos is misspelling of a word, and there were some spelling errors. Also, try to use more commas. If you don’t know where to put the comma, try reading aloud your sentences, seeing where you needed to pause, and place a comma there. There were some really long sentences, and adding a comma would seriously help a reader, because they would get confused or couldn’t take in these long sentences.

Plot 8/10

Your fanfic had a decent storyline, but it was missing the ‘wow’ factor. There wasn’t anything to push me to read on, in fact, there were only some parts which made the story slightly interesting. These parts include:

-          When Maki was sitting in the playground, Tomo and Sho found her and they had a rather intense conversation

-          When Sho blurted out that Maki is pregnant to s, which made me frustrated

I was expecting more than just some mystery about Maki’s whole relationship with the three guys, and it would be better if you added her experiences in acting. There could be so much more you could write about her life, and adding her relationship encounters throughout the story would increase the quality of your work.

Presentation 10/10

It was neatly presented, and the poster represents the story, as a whole, perfectly. It is a great choice of pictures, as it shows the complex relationship and emotions present in the story. However, it may be better that there is a similar background to the poster, and it will create a greater effect, though it isn’t compulsory.

Bonus 2/5

I’m also a big fan of Horikita Maki! Enough said ^^

This may be one of the only stories that I will ever read that features such complex relationships that will give me a headache. I just needed to give you this bonus.

Total 53/85

I’m really sorry how this took a long time, but I provided you with an in depth review, and hope you would take account my thoughts and work on it to further improve your writing qualities.  It’s really good how you bind Korean and Japanese stars together, and would like to see more of these fusion stories from you.

~Frostyblizzard