Calling - Supshaz
Literature Mused Reviews
Fanfiction: The Bet- To Make You Moan For Me
Author: Supshaz
Title 3/5:
This title is good but I didn't quite understand the need for a dash there. It would have been better if you just discard the dash overall. But if you want to keep it in that structure, change it to "The Bet: To make you moan for me".
Poster/Background 5/5:
I like both the poster and the background. It's dark and gives people an idea about how your story would be like. And I really like what the designer did on the poster. The fonts and colors are simply beautiful. Good job!
Foreword/Description 5/10:
For your description box, the first paragraph really made me want to read your story immediately. However, the second paragraph is not necessary. Try not to make your foreword and description too long. Firstly, you'll give out too many information and secondly, it bores the reader in some way. Give the readers some space to imagine. Don't feed them all the information; let them explore your story and get to know the characters by themselves. I also spotted a few spelling mistakes too.
Plot 12/15:
The plot is interesting, attractive and unique. The bet between Heechul and Hyena was extraordinary. It's my first time reading a Super Junior fanfic and I must say it's quite good! Three points were deducted because there was some scenes that were cliché and overused. Example: Parents died in a car crash.
Originality 8/10:
Your story isn't the most "original" story here on AFF but you made your story better by adding your own twists here and there.
Flow 10 /10:
Woah, the flow was really smooth. There was absolutely no confusion and I could read the story comfortably. You inserted the foreshadowing technique at the right time and right place. A job well done!
Grammar & Spelling 17/20:
Your English is quite good, but a few mistakes were found here and there. I'll list them out for you:
1. In the description box, you spelled "astonished" as "astounished".
2. You had a typo error in one of your character profiles. It's "appearance" but you misspelled it as "apperance". Yes, it was a minor mistake but it's always good to make your story as perfect as you can. To avoid these errors, I suggest you type your stories in Microsoft Word or you could enable the spelling check when you type it on AFF.
3. "I'm not one to own anyone anything." I think you mean "I'm not one to owe anyone anything."
4. "Leeteuk chocked on his milk bubble tea accidentally." The correct sentence would be, "Leeteuk accidentally choked on his milk bubble tea."
Writing Style 11/15:
The way you write looked really professional. I like how you bolded and increased the size of the first letter in every chapter. There were no POVs interrupting the professionalism of your story. However, some of your sentences sounded really awkward. I understand that you don't want to repeat the same sentence structure but sometimes you just have to. And why did you leave a big space at the end of every chapter? It didn't bother me that much during the first few chapters but after that, I got annoyed by it.
Overall Enjoyment 9/10:
Honestly, I found it boring at first because you gave out a little too much in the foreword and description. But after chapter three, things got interesting. I wanted to click the next button so badly. The suspense was killing me. Questions like "What was Hyena's secret?" and "I wonder who'll win this bet at last?" kept roaming around my head. Also, the story was realistic. You added incidents like the car crash during 2007 to make it sound more real.
Total score: 80/100
Reviewer's comment: Here's your review! Please forgive me if I was too harsh on you or something. I was just giving my opinions. (: Overall, the story was good but it's the description and foreword section you have work on. Remember to credit our shop in either your foreword or description. Thank you for requesting from our shop and I hope you have an awesome day! <3
***Post this review as a chapter of your story. We wouldn't want you losing it!***
Comments