Oh Sehun doesn't  lack confidence on the attributes of his skill set but he prides himself on being able to keep a straight face no matter how stressful the situation. His work life is demanding (personal nonexistent) and he wills himself to keep up regardless  of the rigors of the demand. 

Only one thing has ever fazed him - his own feelings for Xi Luhan

The last thing that Sehun expects when he walks into the cafe late on a late summer evening is to find Xi Luhan huddled by the window, reading a thin pamphlet on museums in this locality. He falters for a second. A second that is criminally long. He schools his expressions and body language before casually proceeding to the counter to place an order. Luhan isn't looking his way but Sehun can recognise that silhouette anywhere. When Luhan isn't affected, Sehun finds no sense in fretting either. He is not the childlike twenty year old who was left behind. He is mature now. Older and wiser, he firmly believes.

He orders a black Americano as opposed to his usually decaf vanilla latte. He makes it a point to stare ahead and not look around. His intense stare flusters the girl manning the cash register, causing her to fumble and delay the process further. He hands over the calculated number of bills when she tells him the amount and tells her to keep the change. He waits by the counter for his order to be ready. He relaxes as the seconds tick by. It has been a weary day. Luckily the weekend isn't far away. He turns around despite his resolve, observing the cafe. It's late in the evening but the sk is still illuminated by the golden setting sun. There are hints of twilight appearing in the sky streaked with purple and blue. The lights are yet to be , so everything is illuminated golden by the light coming in from the French windows. 

Unexpectedly he catches Luhan's eye. He freezes because this is the exact situation he wanted to avoid. Luhan smiles out of courtesy to make the situation less awkward and Sehun acknowledges with a curt nod. He turns back to the lady preparing his order, his heart beating faster than it should. He takes the caffeinated beverage as soon as it comes and rushes out. Luhan didn't recognise him. He does not wish to probe for clarification of the assumption. The scalding heat permeating from the styrofoam cup does not bother him. His turbulent mind does. But he pushes back thinking about it later. First, he must find the subway route he needs to take.

The subway is crowded predictably. The line is filled with people who are travelling home after a long day's work. since it is a Friday as well, it is filled with people travelling across the city and then out of station for the weekend. Sehun makes his way through the crowd. The cup of coffee is long forgotten. the loud buzz of people talking and the metallic sounds of the subway train cut him off from the world around him and conduce the state of mind he needs to think. Disappointment gnaws at him. He isn't worried about Luhan not recognising him. It has been three years. He is disappointed that Luhan still affects him so much. It has been three years.

Sehun feels his frustration grow. He has always been a borderline control freak. So now when his emotions refuse to listen, he feels helpless and irritable. The heart can barely be dictated by the measured instructions of his brain. Some may even go ahead to say he has no brain. (Stupid Kim Jongin) He does, mind you. It's just that his stupid heart which is booming loudly in his ears with its sped up rhythm and has refused to listen to his brain. When will he be free of it? when will he be free of Luhan? When will his past stop haunting him? As Sehun steps of the subway and climbs up the stairs to his apartment, he wonders if he will ever get these answers.

As he sinks into his bed covers, he remembers that he had initially ordered a cup of Americano. He doesn't remember drinking it so what had happened to it? He sighs and sinks into his bed deeper. the sheets are sinfully soft. He'll change out of his work clothes later. He'll deal with that cup of Americano he probably left on the kitchen table later. He'll order out for dinner later.

He'll think later.

He closes his eyes and falls asleep. He succeeded in a way. Luhan didn't recognise him. ha! He really is no longer the wide eyed boy, coming to terms with his growing affections for Luhan. He isn't the naive twenty year old who couldn't understand what Luhan felt when he left. In the long run, tonight will probably just become one of those many nights "few" and "far in between" that he will think about Luhan. So as he drifts off to sleep, he lets himself remember and dream. someday he'll truly be free of what he used to feel.

There are maps through your bones and skin
to the way you've felt
and the way you've been.
-
Christopher Poindexter