Inside
A Life Worth Living
"I can't believe you guys!" Sunny sighed in exasperation.
"Ooooh weeellll ahahaha it's all over now so let's just get to the ice cream without killing each other, alright guys?!" As she pushed Sunny away, Yoona laughed nervously. The others all agreed while Sunny walked ahead, grumbling to herself.
That is, until Hyomin dashed up to her and held her hand. Her tense shoulders visibly relaxed and she allowed herself a small smile.
While the eight of them happily laughed and smiled, someone was deep in thought, pondering over what should and shouldn't have been.
Yuri walked alone, with small, slow steps, dragging her feet. It was very much unlike herself, far from her usual wry smirks and devious plans.
This was a very different Yuri.
A Yuri that no one had ever seen before.
She mumbled to herself, as though she was working out a difficult maths problem, except that this was not maths. Well, in a way it was, the math of relationships and inequalities. Solving problems, divisions and remainders.
And there she was. A remainder. A plus-one. The detachable part that wasn't needed. She was reminded of this when she tripped and fell, grazing the base of both palms on the pavement. There was no one around to see, or help, none of the usual "Omo! Yuri-ah!"and "are you alright?"
So she cried.
Not by choice, the tears just fell out, and they wouldn't stop falling. Why was she even crying in the first place? It wasn't like this never happened before. She was used to to it. So why, why did it hurt so much now?
"I don't know," said her mind.
"But I do," said her heart.
Deep in her heart, the very essence of her soul, she knew. But she tried her best to cover up this truth, to hide it safely, locked it up in an airtight coffin, secured with chains and buried in the deep hole in her heart. The hole so cleverly covered by a strong front, it almost didn't exist.
But, of course, it was there.
Everyone has a hole in their heart, it's there from the start. It's there in babies, in toddlers, in everyone. Whether we choose to fill it up, or to tear it open, make it wider, is purely a self made decision, though others can aid it. Some people live most of their lives with a complete heart, others let their hatred, their anger, negativity eat at the hole, until all that remains is a memory, a memory of what once was. Once the heart has gone, the rest of the person begins to crumble. The constant echoing of the faint memories drives one insane, to the point of self destruction.
Unconsciously, Yuri had slowly widened the existing hole. This was not completely her fault, there were other factors involved, the lack of attention, the feeling of inferiority, being neglected. Being alone.
And it all began long ago, before she was old enough to speak.
She had an older brother, five years older than she was. When she was beginning to talk, he was garnering attention for his intellect at school. While she stumbled her way around the house, occasionally falling, he claimed awards and was the pride and joy of the family. When she got her first test back, instead of being praised for trying, she was chided for not being as good as her brother. While he was treated as a prodigy, Yuri was stuck in his shadow, which was too big for her to escape.
But despite this, she admired him, she loved him. Everywhere he went, she went too. She played with the same toys as him, cut her hair short, practically lived eight years as a boy, just so she could be like her brother. They laughed together, cried together. And she was so proud to have him as her brother, just being able to say he was her brother seemed like a great deal to her. When she was able to say "my brother did that" she did so with pride.
But as time passes, people change.
Soon, they were both in high school. For the past few years he had ignored her if they happened to see each other in school. He still remained an apple in their parents' eyes. She was still not good enough. Everything she did was compared to her brother. Even though she was achieving perfect scores on all of her exams, she was still told she could do better.
After years of being told her best wasn't enough, she simply stopped trying. What was the point? If nothing she did was enough, it didn't matter how much she tried did it? Though she did maintain her standards, she didn't bother to be anything more than average.
And her brother slowly turned against her, the childish jibes became truthful insults, he became more physical, testing out 'self-defence' techniques on her, and her parents did nothing to stop him. She was worthless, in their eyes.
So in the end Yuri began to ignore him, in hope that he would leave her alone. Her parents were absolutely appalled, how could siblings ignore each other? How awful. If it was truly necessary to speak to him, she spoke in short, sharp sentences, with hateful glares.
Outside however, at school and with friends, she was a generally cheerful person, known for being a joker and her immaturity. Her friends enjoyed her company, though at times, her biting sarcasm was unbearable.
In other words, y.
Who'd want a friend like that? Constantly pointing out the flaws of others, hateful pranks, why did she have friends in the first place?
Everything she had tried to forget returned as she sat on the ground, tears flowing. Thank god no one was around. She got up quickly, wiping away her tears quickly, not minding the pain as the salty water seeped into her wounds. Walking much faster than she was before, she quickly shut the unwanted memories back into their cage.
There was nothing she could do about them now. Her heart was slowly crumbling. She was slowly crumbling.
There is one way, however, to rebuild a heart. That was to be willing to open up to someone who cared, truly cared, and to let them slowly build it up from scratch.
Love. Love binds us all together.
And love would help Yuri rebuild herself, if she was willing to let it find her.
To let herself be loved.
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I realised in the middle of writing this
Yuri is me.
I am Yuri.
I didn't intend for that.
And I think it became a bit personal in the middle.
But anyway.
It's only the second week of the term but I already have tests and assignments to worry about.
noooooooo
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