His rational tells him to stay put and not get any closer but this part of him always malfunctions because of this one person. Quietly, he stands in the shadowed part of the studio where nobody would notice him. He came in unnoticed and he hopes to leave as such as well. Standing away from the staff grouped before the white backdrop, their figures shielding the flashes that haven’t stopped casting down the background, Yongguk silently observes the lean figure moving with a matured experience that makes him even more distant.

Zelo-ah, you changed a lot.

Yongguk wonders if the tug on the corners of his lips are bittersweet or not but the pounding ache of longing is still beating inside him. He remembers the first time he saw the same features on a page of a magazine, there was unfamiliarity amongst recognition. Even if those eyes were piercing with masked emotions, they were still recognizably his Zelo, still that boy who would smile at the littlest things and hold his hand as if it was the most blissful thing to do. But the traces of that childishness is hard to catch on the face Yongguk is staring at right now. The baby fats have lessened to show the angular contours on the matured features but hidden beneath them lies the gentleness covered up by cosmetics. The Zelo he sees now seems especially far away and distant like this, just like the one in that magazine page his fingers can’t reach. He wonders if those eyes would look as cold if they were to meet his.

Would you recognize me anymore? Or would you pretend to be strangers?

The anger of indignation is uncovered once more as his minds flashes the scene before the company building. What happened to the promises they made? Running a hand through his hair, Yongguk bites down at the gnawing emotions as he recalls Zelo’s decision that was conveyed to him through another mouth. He was abandoned just like this. They ended just like this. He couldn’t blame him. How could he put him through so much pain? He was so young, so ignorant, so naïve, he shouldn’t bear society’s disdainful eyes and the distancing of his family only for one young stupid love Yongguk can’t even promise would last. But why did he end up with another man? There is one question that kept Yongguk up for many nights.

How is he better that you’d stay by his side, but not mine?

Speak of the devil, Yongguk almost sees red when he catches sight of the photographer snapping pictures of Zelo. It’s that same man who took Zelo to the company that day. The camera flashes on and Yongguk scoffs bitterly. It looks almost mocking, the way he’s taking pictures of this Zelo he’s never seen before. It’s as if he’s worshipping this new face that replaced that naïve look of innocence which Yongguk misses dearly but lost, as if he’s admiring this Zelo he possesses, flaunting it before the man who lost the game of love.

Yongguk gives one last look to Zelo’s face, admire the beauty he sieves out from underneath the cosmetics but never thought those eyes would catch his own.

He’s flustered. He’s nervous.

He’s cowardly.

He bolts out of the door when the look of surprise in those eyes confirmed the discovery of his presence. He races down the empty corridors, the night sky outside casting a shadow along his steps. He wonders why he’s escaping. He isn’t the one who broke the promise in a blink of an eye. He’s not guilty. He’s not ashamed. He’s not afraid—he probably is, he is afraid of the look in those eyes. Maybe they were surprised and upset, or maybe they were filled with pity. He doesn’t want the kindness. He doesn’t want those stares that would return him nothing but more nights of insomnia imagining the warmth still lingering in his hands.

His heart is beating out of his chest when a hand catches him by the wrist. He knew he shouldn’t have taken the lift. Cornered, he turns around and meets a pair of wide eyes that rakes his face almost urgently before darting back to his own surprised ones. The silence hums when the lift doors shuts is a buzz in his ears as he takes in the face morphing back into the expression he knows so well, that teary look a combination of being lost, miserable and hopeful at the same time.

It reminds him of the young boy who stayed in the rain, clutching trembling hands, waiting for him, so silly, so naïve, so precious.

There’s a pulsing vacuum inside his chest, clenching painfully as the emotions begin to stir beneath the wave of surprise that jolted Zelo out of the steely composure he pulls over himself before shining flashes and snapping lenses. He thought he wouldn’t dare to see that face for fear of rejection and distaste he imagined after every hangover but the surprise and fear reflecting in those eyes made him give chase. It turns out he isn’t the one shying away. Is he the only one desperate to turn back?

“Yongguk hyung.”

The consonants shiver at the back of his throat and the stifling moment confirmed the acknowledgement of that name. He never knew he