“When my loneliness is through

I’m gonna find another you…”

 

 

Donghae’s POV

- Seoul -

 

I heard Siwon calling out my name repeatedly.

Hovering over my face, his voice trailed away as my eyes fluttered opened.

'Hae!' He pulled me upwards into his arms and held me tight.

My arms lay limped at the side as I let him hold me. Unable to comprehend how i ended up in the hospital.

Later on when the doctor came inside, i described my condition to him. And he said that was a panic attack.

'It may most likely happen again. I will prescribe some mediations for him  he must have it with him at all times. This could be dangerous.' The doctor informed us.

Siwon's dad is the CEO of an international pharmaceutical company. So i could guarantee right now that i would never be in shortage of those mediation. Knowing Siwon, he would also probably keep some with him.

In fact this wasn't the first time I had panic attack. It was just that it had never gotten to this stage.

Because...

I sniffed suddenly.

'What's wrong?' Siwon jerked his head over and quickly rushed to my side. Holding my arm as he peered down at my face.

I started to choke slightly. Feeling the pain in my chest again.

The doctor came over and told me to do as he instructed but I simply couldn't hear anything.

I was beginning to get dizzy.

It always started this way.

The panic attacks.

Siwon was holding me, his body trembling as he murmured to me.

It was always like this.

But the one holding me had always been him...

Hyukkie...

I started crying, and choked. I felt like i couldn't breathe anymore as i panted.

It would never get to this stage. If only Hyukkie was here...

He would always soothe me. Just with his mere prescence.

And i would always quickly calm down.

Soothe me just like what Siwon was doing now.

But instead of getting better like i always did in Hyukjae's arms, i only got worst as thoughts of him came to my mind.

The pain in my chest area intensified and i wished i could just die.

I heard the door flung open and footsteps rushing in.

A needle was poked right into my arm and i could quickly feel myself calming down.

And i felt more and more weightless in Siwon's warm embrace.

But my mind was only full of Hyukjae. And i closed my eyes, letting sleep claimed me as i pretended that it was Hyukjae holding me to sleep.

As i pretended it was Hyukjae who kissed the side of my head softly as my eyes closed.

---
 

 

Hyukjae’s POV

- New York -

 

I closed my wallet after one last lingering look at the photo inside.

 

Inhaling deeply, I stared at my bracelet, feeling some strength to face the day coming to me. Today was the day of the final rehearsal before they kick start the competition tomorrow.

 

A knock sounded on my room’s door and Sungmin came into my room.

 

‘Are you ready for this?’ He cocked a brow at me.

 

‘No. Are you ready for this Sungmin? You are still wearing the same clothes when I saw you last week!’  

 

He looked down at his clothes and frowned, ‘What’s wrong with these? They looked fine.’

 

I shook my head and moved to my closet. We might not be living the way we did before but I still had my old clothes. My old branded stuffs.

 

‘Here. Change into these. It should suit you.’ I shove few pieces of clothing into Sungmin’s arms.

 

His jaw dropped when he realised what he was holding and moved silently to the bathroom to change.

 

I smiled, suddenly thinking of Hae again. If I hadn’t picked out his clothes he would continue to wear the same thing over and over again.

 

I wondered who picked out his clothes this time. Would there be anyone?

 

‘H-Hyukjae? Are… Are you crying?’

 

I quickly swept away the few stray tears that had fallen from my eyes and looked up.

 

‘Whoa looks good on you Sungmin!’ I exclaimed too happily, I realised. Needing to hide the pain I was feeling.

 

Sungmin shot me a weird look and frowned in concern but otherwise didn’t say anything else.

 

---

It was always hardest during the nights. When memories of our past began to haunt me, over and over again. Killing me bit by bit.

 

With trembling hands I picked up the phone and dialled the familiar numbers.

Tomorrow was the day. And i couldn’t win this without hearing his voice. One last time. I promised.

Before my every competition back in school he would always be around to encourage me. Ensuring i slept well, ate well and didn’t over exert myself during practise.

And every time before i stepped up the stage he would always beamed at me and hugged me close.

'Hyukkie! The award already has your name on it! Just go claim it!' He would say. And i would always smack his head playfully, not wanting him to get his hopes too high in case I fail and he got disappointed.

I didn’t want him to be disappointed or sad.

So that was why i always win. Always.

He was the sole reason behind it all.

---

 

Donghae’s POV

- Seoul -

Siwon had just left my room after closing the curtains in my room. Leaving me to sleep after my medicines.

As i was about to doze off my phone rang and i answered it without checking the caller ID.

It could most likely be Kyuhyun. Or maybe, Heechul. Who else?

'Hello...' I called out weakly. Feeling the meds taking their effect.

'Hello.' I tried again when there was no answer.

I took the phone off my ear to check the caller ID.

Unknown number

Frowning in confusion i put it to my ear again, 'Hello? Who is this?'

Deciding to disconnect the call when there was only silence greeting me back, it was then i heard it.

It sounded like faint sobs.

I put the phone back to my ear.

This time i was silent as i listened. My heart pounding hard and wild as I listened hard.

No way.

Not after so long.

Could it be?

'H...h...hyukkie...?' I uttered in disbelief.

This couldn't be real could it?

The line went off abruptly.

Confirming my suspicions.

He called.

He finally called.

 

Somehow I was filled with hope once again.

---

I cuddled close to Siwon and cried after relating the call from Hyukjae to him. I still couldn't believe Hyukjae called me. He really called me.

His arms tightened around me, giving me unspeakable comfort.

'Hae. Let’s go find him.'

I broke apart from him and sat up in bed.

'F...fi..find him?'

'I will ask Dad. He might be able to find something.'

'NO! Wonnie no! I... I'm s-scared... H-He may not w-want to see me... No...'

'Hae-- Hae-- Listen to me.' Siwon was holding my shoulders, keeping my agitated form still.

'I couldn’t bear to see you cry yourself to sleep every night. Not anymore. Donghae, I will always be by your side. But… what you need now, is closure. Let us do this together. Let's go and find him.’

 

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