“When our friends talk about you all that it does is just tear me down
Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name…”

 

'Don't go.'

'I already told Kyu I’m going.'

Siwon sighed out loud, 'Why must it be today? Seriously Heechul is a bad influence I don't like you getting too close to him.'

'He's fine.'

'He's not! And he slept around with both girls and guys!'

I blinked at his words, 'So you are saying he might want to sleep with me?'

Siwon eyes grew double its size as he looked at me in shock, as if how in the world could I ever think of such a thing.

He put an arm around my shoulder, 'Of course not. I know you are not like that. It's just that Heech---'

'I'm not like what?' I interjected coldly.

'Well I mean you don't like guys so of course---'

'And how would you know that?'

His jaw dropped slightly as he stared at me in surprised, 'W-what do you mean?'

I breathed out softly as i gathered myself together, trying my hardest to dismiss images of that man who had taken my everything.

I shrugged myself away from Siwon's hold, 'I will take care of myself. Stop fussing about it. Enjoy your anniversary with Sooyoung tonight.'

I walked away with that. Not caring to explain what I meant earlier.

I looked at the bracelet on my wrist and inhaled deeply.

I need tonight. I need to finally learn to breathe again.

 

Start my life without Lee Hyukjae.

---

Kyu came over to our place before we set off together to Heechul's place.

I had learned that today had been a farewell party he threw for his best friend Lee Teuk.

Farewell.

How nice.

Ignoring the sudden ache in my chest as Hyukjae assaulted my mind again I took a random drink from the bar and finished it in one gulp.

And it actually tasted good. Comparing to the whiskey that the three of us had stolen from Dad's study some time ago, this was so much better.

Unconsciously I reached out to grab another.

 

I think I can finally begin to understand why people actually like this stuff. And could even get drunk and addicted on these.

 

Kyu made a face beside me after he took a sip of his drink, ‘Blahhhh… Wine tastes so much better. This is such low quality stuff!’

Before I could comment on that, Heechul’s happy voice chirped beside me, 'Hae! So happy that you came!'

He seemed to be giggling too much. And even though the party had just barely begun I could tell he was getting tipsy already as he pecked me on my cheek.

'Kyu said you might kill him if I didn't come.'

 

‘Did I? Funny I don’t recall.  I thought you came because of my charms.’ Kyu laughed.

 

‘What’s that? Is there even any on you?’ Heechul grimaced and Kyu smacked his arm lightly.

 

‘YAH! Watch out I’m your hyung, you brat!’

 

Kyu smacked his arm again and this time quickly hid behind me.

 

I knew Heechul was going to hit Kyu for real this time when he came near and tugged on Kyu’s shoulders.

 

‘Heechul!’ I held the drink up in my hand, ‘What’s this? It’s actually nice.’

 

'Ah my Hae Hae! Finally! This is good stuff, it makes you happy! Now, you can learn to have some fun since monkey face has left...' I cringed at that as he continued rambling, 'and goody two shoes is not available to keep an eye on you.'

'Hey Chulie. Disturbing our Donghae?' It was Teuk. And I heard Kyu mumbling something about needing to find wine and slipped away.

 

Heechul snorted, 'Hardly. Just letting my Donghae knows what he’s been missing out in life. His two bodyguards are always keeping an eye on him it’s even a miracle that he’s out here tonight.'

I smiled tightly at Heechul's words, not knowing what else to respond. Not even sure if what he said was right.

 

Even if his words were true, I was happy in my world with him. I’m positive that if Hyukjae was here he would be retorting with his witty remarks, never failing to make Heechul exasperated and making me laugh at them in the process.

 

I froze as the familiar dull ache began in my chest.

 

So inadvertently, so unknowingly, my mind had drifted to him.

 

Back to him again.

 

I shut my eyes and shook my head.

 

No. I am not going to live my life like this again. I must stop it.

The cold hard truth was that he was no longer here. And I no longer needed him.

 

I lifted the drink and finished it again. Not caring that my head was beginning to feel light and weightless.

'Whoa you might want to tone down on that. This thing kicked in slowly yet powerfully.' Teuk took the glass away from me and motioned for the bartender to stop giving me any drinks.

'You are no fun! Let him do what he wants I can look after him.' Heechul gestured the bartender to mix me another drink again.

While waiting I looked over at the two of them. They had been best friends since elementary school and almost knowing each other for like forever, Teuk was leaving to further his studies abroad.

'Heechul... Are you sad?' I suddenly grabbed his arms.

'What? Sad about what? That you suddenly want more alcohol?'

I shook my head.

'Teuk. About Teuk leaving you.'

Would you feel as empty as I? As lost as I? As devastated as I?

 

Would you feel like a huge chunk of you was being torn away?

Teuk slapped Heechul’s shoulders, 'It's only for a few years. He will survive.'

'Yah! If you forget to call me or anything I would fly over and strangle you get it?' Heechul threatened.

Suddenly the both of them whipped their gaze to look at me in surprise.

Heechul quickly gathered me into his arms.

'Oh no no you don’t! What have I said to make you cry! Teuk help me! And where the hell is Kyu!'

I didn’t realise that I had started crying. But it hurts. It hurts so badly and I couldn’t stop my tears now.

Hyukjae had left me without a single word. He really left me. We couldn’t even contact him since then. I couldn’t even fly over to strangle him even if I wanted to.

The only pathetic connection - if it could even be counted as one - was the damn bracelet over my wrist. Which I still couldn’t bear to take it out!

I really hate you.

I hate you Lee Hyukjae!

'What did you do to him?' An angry voice exclaimed behind me and I soon felt myself being pulled away from Heechul and landed into another's arms.

I looked up and saw Siwon.

'Goody two shoes?!?!! Why are you here? Shouldn't you be having some really good time with your girl right now?' Heechul said, clearly shocked.

'I think you should take him upstairs. He drank two of those.' Teuk pulled Heechul over when he saw the latter trying to pry me away from Siwon.

'I'm fine! Get away from me!'

I suddenly snapped. Shocking those around me.

I am so sick of them trying to comfort me.

I don’t need comfort. I need to hurt. I need to feel this pain.

 

So that I would remember.

So that I could remember.

Remember to hate him.

I got away from Siwon and ambled to the bar, suddenly finding myself not too stable on my feet. I grabbed another drink and started downing its contents.

Halfway through it was suddenly shoved away from my grip. The glass falling to the floor as it shattered into pieces while I stared at it.

 

Interesting… I thought that probably looked like my heart.

I laughed hysterically then.

That was me.

 

I am broken. Like this glass over here.

'What the hell! What had gotten into him is he all right?' Heechul exclaimed as someone grabbed my wrist and pulled me away roughly.

I staggered slightly as Siwon put his arm around my waist and supported me.

Teuk was in front leading us somewhere.

My eyelids felt heavy and I leaned heavily onto Siwon. Glad for his strong solid presence beside me, supporting me as I walked.

Shortly after I found us climbing the stairs. Later I felt myself collapsing  onto a soft bed as my eyes slowly shut closed.

Tonight I couldn’t control myself anymore as I let tears slipped down my face. Because I knew, when I closed my eyes, there he would be.

 

Hyukjae’s lovely face would always haunt me in my dream.

 

No.

 

I called that nightmare now.

 

---