I’m draining. My heart, my soul. We broke up days ago. I’m a mess. Why did I ever let her go? I should have fought for us. I should have never given up on us.

But I did...

I’ve been keeping this pain to myself. I never show it in recordings, In meetings, in interviews. Only my members know. I still need to talk to Jung ah for ever telling that to the public. Those are all lies.

“Hyung! What’s this about?”

They all asked me as I enter the door sobbing. That didn’t just happen right? We didn’t decide to break up right? I didn’t let her go   just now right?

“Hyung what’s wrong?” Taemin went closer and asked me

“It’s over...”

“What over? Key said annoyed cause he can’t understand what I am saying

“She...She j-just broke u-up with me” I said between tears

“WHAT?”

“But hyung I thought you went to talk to her?” Key asked

“I did. But she said it’s over.”

SMe told me that I should stay quiet until this issue fades. That’s how this dirty industry works. But I don’t care about my image now. I just want to clear things out.

“Hyung manager said, you’ll have a radio schedule today. Get up now!”

I was staring at my phone while on my bed. Honestly I don’t even want to move right now. I kept thinking about her. I just can’t get the thought of us being over.  I keep staring at her photos in my phone

How happy we used to be.

“What is there to fight for? I felt like were over for the past days already, what’s the difference?”

“It’s just complicated Onew. This pain is not just simply jealousy. It’s telling me to get over you. To face reality. Let’s face it, we are not the same anymore. You are not the Jinki I loved”

“You are not the Jinki I loved....”

Past tense. She’s really over me.

“HYUNG! Come on, can you just get up”

Minho’s starting to get annoyed. I just look blankly at him.

“I know you are in a bad position and situation right now but please don’t let this affect your performance. We still have our fans to think of”

I stood up “ Why should I do these things for them?  They are the ones who caused it in the first place” I said before leaving the room and went to take my shower

I cry every night. I don’t believe in ‘real-men-dont-cry’ thing. She’s the most important person to me. The reason why I am doing this so I am thinking right now, what’s the point of having fun when the person you’re doing it for is gone?

“Cause we don’t love each other that much anymore. Dont you think we are just holding this relationship cause we are used to having one another for a long time?”

But I love her. She’s my world.

Now I realized how much she means to me. Just days of being separated and I think I can’t go on anymore. I’ll talk to her. I still believe there’s a chance for us. I still need to fight for her. The Jung-ah issue is not true anyway so why should I be afraid. I just need to tell the truth

**

“They are waiting for you”

“Okay”

“I’ll be leaving. We’ll pick you up after your recording”

“No need. I still need to go to talk to someone else anyway”

“Okay”

And manager nim left. I bowed and started showing my famous smile. The smile where people thought that when I don’t have it, I become rude. I should always smile to hide the pain. It’s my image. I sat down and greeted everyone in the room to show some respect

“Good Evening everyone!” the main DJ greeted “ To our dear listeners, Have you been doing well?”

I stared blankly at the script. I can’t even hear a thing

“Onew ssi? You can introduce yourself now”

“Oh. Annyeonghaseyo! SHINee leader Onew imnida!”

The radio went on..We read some messages from the fans and I just smiled

“I heard Onew here; prepared a song for us...Shall we listen to it?”

It was a wearisome love

That had badly ended now

For a long