3 hours

He was stuck in traffic for three hours, and he wanted to curse and kill somebody just to let the tension out.

Seunghyun burst through the door of the hospital, rushing to the reception area to inquire about his wife’s condition. His heart was pounding loudly and it hurt his ears. The nurse was talking to him but he couldn’t understand a single damn thing. All he was aware is the increase rate of his heart, his haywire brain and his blood boiling.

Chaerin. Hospital. Something’s wrong. He couldn’t focus. He was too afraid.

The nurse was gesturing at a lobby and wing and he just acted on instinct. He thought he heard them say she is alright. But he’s not sure and he can’t calm down unless he sees her.

Hoping he got the number correctly, he slowly opened the door and found a doctor checking on her. She was barely awake, and something in him broke apart when Chaerin refused to look at him.

“Doctor, is everything alright?” the doctor smiled forcibly.

“Are you the husband?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Settle down Mr. Choi, you seem to be under an anxiety attack. I need you to calm down first. Your wife is stable. Deep breaths please.” The doctor handed him out a paper bag to breathe in.

He did as he was told. And the doctor checked for his vital signs as well.

“Alright, now, can you hear me well?

“Yes.”

“She just fainted, it’s from over fatigue. Next time Mr. Choi, pls. take care of your wife more carefully, she’s 2 months pregnant.”

Pregnant. He stood up abruptly. “Chaerin’s pregnant?”

“Yes. And it’s very important that you don’t stress her.”

“Babe, you’re pregnant.” He choked up his tears, he was so damn happy he couldn’t muster enough words. “I’m going to be a daddy again. Haneul will be a big sister.” He says in a whisper.

No response.

“I will be checking up on her again. I’ll leave you two alone.” The doctor exited, but still there was no response from Chaerin.

“Babe…” Chaerin recoiled from her touch and Seunghyun’s heart sank.

“I’m….pregnant.” Chaerin slowly said, but Seunghyun wasn’t sure if it is more for herself or for him. This news is a bit overwhelming, added to the pressure of what they’ve been going through.

“I don’t know what to feel. I wasn’t even aware. I was so absorbed trying to decipher you, that I forgot to take care of myself and even notice.”

“Babe…” Seunghyun started out slowly, “I honestly don’t know what to say or do right now.”

“I’m letting you go.” She sighed. “I’m just…tired Seunghyun. You refuse to tell me things, you refuse my help. Just…go.” 

“No, Chae I’m sorry, I was just really confused. Please.”

“You’ve been playing that act for the last few weeks. I’m not buying it! Don’t worry, I’ll keep the baby. You can still visit us. I somehow knew you still deserve to know.”

“Who says I’m leaving?”

“You haven’t been here for the longest time Seunghyun. I don’t know who you are anymore.” She turned her back away from him.

“Babe..”

“I’ll keep the baby, I won’t prevent you from divorcing me because of this. I’ve already told you from the very start to NOT take a pity on me! I don’t need that! I can do this on my own. Now you’re confused ‘cause you finally realize having me was a mistake! I knew you wanted to know our story again 'cause you can't remember why you want me in the first place!” Chaerin was becoming defiant now.

“I am NOT, for the nth time, taking a pity on you!” his voice raised a little, and he felt her cringed, but she’s just so stubborn, and he needed to vent out the tension. He calmed himself again as he felt another anxiety attack coming.

Exhaling deeply, he started slowly again. “Chae, last night, we have agreed to not lie to each other anymore. Right? Please listen to me, one last time. Please.”

“ Just this time, and I won’t bother you anymore if you’re still not convinced.”

No response. He sank on the vacant couch beside her hospital bed and just buried his face on the palm of his hands.

“I’m afraid Chae. I’m confused and I’m drowning in all the pressure that’s been handed to me. I’m so disoriented on generally everything. I just woke up and suddenly I have this different… life.”

“One moment I feel this contentment with you and with Haneul. I feel that I can be the greatest man on earth when I’m just with the two of you. But when I get too happy, my mind rejects the idea. I think I have practiced long enough to reject anything that’s related to any sense of happiness. I’ve become a masochist of some sort.” Seunghyun rakes his hair, utterly frustrated.

“Happiness distracts you Chae, it distracts you from the reality that everything comes and go – and everyone will leave. I loved my mom, but she left me for no reason. I loved my first dog, but it died because of a stupid car driver. I loved my dad, but he never loved me back as far as my memory was concerned.”

As he stops to gasp for air, it was then he realized he was crying. He never cries, but it was so hard not to when everything was falling apart.

His lungs burned in the effort to speak up again.  “And I’m so afraid to admit that I love you – so much, because if I do, I know eventually I’ll lose you too. I don’t deserve you Chae. And it’s hurting my ego more because I know that! I love you so much but it's so wrong to have you, I feel like I'm cheating the world if I claim to have a right to you. I have the closest thing to happiness yet I find it hard to accept it because I know it’s too good to be true. I cant, for the life of me, remember important dates and places --- and then there's Seungri. He's just, so good at this.”

Seunghyun finally reached his limit. He kept on pounding his head, forcing himself to remember anything, even a slight memory of his first meeting with Chaerin, or perhaps the feeling of how it was like to hold Hanuel for the first time but nothing. Everything was just so blank. And he kept on wracking his damn brain.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. He kept slapping his head.