Ren:

I shouldn't have expected him to change. I shouldn't have expected that he would start being himself and stop hiding. I've been asking him for years to come out and stop hiding. I've hurt for years just being known as the studious nobody in my school who has nothing to do with the most popular, star athlete at our school. No one knew about us but Chunji because he found out and he is my best friend. He didn't have this problem with L. Joe. L. Joe came out right after he started dating Chunji. He acts like the perfect father and is always their for their little girl Itoshii. They are his life and he doesn't care what any of those kids at our school think. He lost a lot of friends when he came out, but he didn't care. He said that as long as he has Chunji and Itoshii nothing in this world matters at all. And I envy how perfect they are and J. R. and I had been dating longer than both of them.

It was completely sad. It didn't hurt me much anymore though. I ignored him and started seeing us as not being a couple, but it hurt Yoki. He doesn't understand why his father doesn't pay him any mind in public. He doesn't know why his father doesn't wave to him when he yells appa and waves his hand to him and smiles. He doesn't know, but he cries when his father walks away without saying hello. He's cried every time it has happened and I can't do anything because his father would still ignore him. But I could and I did break it off and told him to leave us alone and we have nothing to do with him.

He's not my lover and he isn't Yoki's father. I know it's wrong. I know I shouldn't let him hurt, but he has hurt us for a long time. Me for five years and Yoki for almost the entire first year of his life. He wasn't even there when Yoki was born because he had a soccer game and he didn't want anyone to see him at the hospital and start asking him questions. He didn't see Yoki until he was two weeks old and didn't come around that much after. We had to sneak around like we had been doing for five years which makes me wonder how I even got pregnant with Yoki how much we snuck around. But I did and we had to sneak around for him to see his child. He sent money to us, but that's not enough for me. He didn't stay up every night with Yoki when he cried every hour for the first four months of his life. He didn't see when Yoki started crawling. He didn't see Yoki's first steps. He wasn't there when Yoki got sick. He wasn't there when Yoki said Umma or Appa. He wasn't there for any of Yoki's firsts. I was. I was always there being the good mother that I wanted to be while he was just there being the dead beat dad he was. And I could care less if he isn't there for any of Yoki's other first because I will be.

I will be there on his first birthday. I will be there when he goes to pre-school.  I will be there when he graduates from every grade. I will be there for his first sports games and all his school events. I will be there when he graduates high school and college. I will always be there for my baby no matter if his father isn't. I will be there for him even if he doesn't want me there. I'm his mother and I will always be there for my baby.

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"Yoki, you are making a mess,"I said to Yoki.

I was trying to make the party favors for his birthday but he kept throwing candy and the little toys all over the place.

"Umma mate mess."

"Umma made the mess. No little boy, you did."

"No umma mate mess."

"Oh I did?"

He nodded and I started tickling him. He let out a lound squeal and started giggling. I laughed and continued to tickle him. 

"You need help,"I heard someone say.

I looked up to see Chunji and Itoshii.

"Yes please."

Chunji sat Itoshii down next to Yoki and those two started talking in their language that consisted of real words and baby words. Chunji sat down next to me and took some empty party bags and started filling them.

"So how are you holding up,"he asked me.

"As fine as I could be. I have to stay strong and focus on what's important which is my son."

Chunji nodded.

"He'll come around sooner or later Ren."

"I highly doubt that Chunji."

"Why?"

"He hasn't come around in five years. I doubt he will now."

"You have no faith in him?"

"I lost all of that faith when we were in sixth grade Chunji. When he told me that we have to keep us a secret."

"He said that?"

I nodded.

"And we've been doing that for five years and I'm done now. I'm finally free and away from him."

"Do you still love him?"

"Of course Chunji. He's always going to be the love of my life and I doubt I will ever find anyone like him. He's the only person I want to be with, but at the moment, we can't be together. He's going to hide maybe for the rest of his life and live with his fake wife and try to have a kid with her to seem straight."

"Why are you thinking like that? Doesn't it hurt?"

"Yes, but I'm not going to pretend that it won't and make up some fantasy I want to happen. We might not ever be together and known to the public and I have accepted that."

I went back to making the favors.

"You know, L. Joe and I weren't always like we are now. We were a mess when I found out I was pregnant and after."

I looked at Chunji.

"What happened?"

"He didn't want to be a father and at that be having a baby with a guy because of his father. His father accepted the fact that L. Joe was in love with a boy, but he saw it as a phase and told L. Joe that he will marry a girl and have a baby with her and not a man. He was scared and ignored me. He wasn't there for me the entire time I was pregnant like J. R. wasn't there for you. He wasn't there when Itoshii was born and didn't see her until a few weeks later like J. R. with you. He was a horrible lover at first. And an even worse father. He didn't realize anything until I told him that I was going to cut of every tie with him and make sure that my child never ever called him appa. That he would never see her or me again. I actually did it. I moved with my mother. That's why I wasn't around last year. I moved and took Itoshii and that broke him. He came to my mother's house in tears saying that he didn't want a life if Itoshii and I weren't in it. That he wouldn't act like an anymore and he was done pretending. He even told his dad who wasn't mad one bit. He had actually grown attached to me and had accepted the fact that L. Joe would never be straight. But he wanted L. Joe to tell him and stand up to him for what he wanted. And when he did he respected L. Joe's life style and accepted it. J. R. has to accept himself and think about what he wants in life. What you did was right. But don't think bad. He will come around."

"I hope you are right. I really do."

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Hey everyone

Here is another chapter

I hope you all liked it and comment please

Love you all a bunch

Love and lots of Kisu

Love

Ai