J. R.:

I had to do this or I would lose the two most important people in my life. I had to do it so I could stop lying. Stop lying to the world about who I actually am. Who I've always been. Who I will always be. It wasn't healthy keeping it a secret and I knew it. It wasn't making anything better. It wasn't helping me or my family. It was tearing us apart. Making us all question each other and I didn't want that.

I wanted the love of my life back that I had spent so much time loving. So  much time caring for. He was my first ever real relationship. The one that I cared for more than anything in the world. 

I remember when I first met him. He was at one of my soccer games with Chunji. They were sitting in the stands talking to each other while looking at the game. Our eyes locked on one another's when I was looking at the stands to find my parents and see if they made it to my first game in middle school. I found him instead though. I looked at him for what it seemed like forever. He was just absolutely gorgeous. He was like nothing I had ever seen in my life. He smiled at me before turning away to talk to Chunji. I played the game of my life just to get his attention. I scored a career high of six goals. My team was all happy and smiles, but I didn't care about them. I just wanted to know if Ren saw me. I found him after the game. He was about to walk home in the dark by himself. I told my parents that I would meet them at home because I wanted to go hang with a friend for a few. They said okay and I ran after Ren. He was really shy and didn't say anything really while we were walking together. I had to start the conversation. And I finally got his name and learned some things about him. And I gave him my name and told him about me. We had a friendly conversation and I was upset when we finally reached his house. He thanked me for walking him home and was about to go in his house when I grabbed his arm. I asked him if he would like to go to the movies with me tomorrow at five and he said he had to ask his father if it would be okay and he went to go do that. His father looked at me from the window and he didn't look very friendly, but he said yes and that if I touched Ren he would kill me. I was scared, but accepted. Our first date went very well and I even kissed Ren when I took him home. His father almost came out and beat my , but I didn't care. Ren seemed happy. 

We went on a few more dates before I actually asked Ren to be my boyfriend and he was happy, until I said we would have to hide. He asked me why and I said I needed time to come out. That I didn't want to come out just yet. He was sad, but agreed. We acted like we didn't know each other all the time because I would ignore him or push him away if he tried to talk to me. So he just stopped and hung out with his friends and I hung out with mine. We hung out with each other after school at my house or his. My parents knew about Ren as a friend and were fine with him. They didn't ask any questions and I liked that. It worked perfect until Ren got pregnant. He told me he was feeling bad for about two weeks. I told him to go to the doctors and he did and they ran test and told him he was pregnant. I told him that I can't do this. That my parents will find out. That I can't be with him through the nine months he had before the baby came. He was pissed and threw things at me that where in my room and broke a lot of things before leaving. We didn't talk for those nine months either. I sent him things though. Everything I could think of that he would need when the baby came. His father came and talked to me and laid me out for getting his son pregnant and being a little and leaving him. I deserved all of the insults. I deserved them. I deserved everky word because I was a . I was a little scared who left my pregnant lover when he needed me.

When Yoki was born, I saw him a few weeks after because I didn't want to go to the hospital and people notice me. I was sad I didn't because I missed my son's birth and that is one thing I wouldn't get back. But I saw him and he was beautiful. He was pretty like Ren with my black hair and dark eyes like we both had. He was a doll and I fell in love with my son and wanted to be there for him, but I wasn't. I wasn't there for any of his firsts. I wasn't there when he called me Appa. I wasn't there for anything. I was off worrying about myself. Worrying about my future and not about what I should care about. 

Then Ren left me and my hear broke. I felt like someone had shot me right through my heart before ripping it out. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat at all. I was a mess. Then the talk with L. Joe made me open my eyes and be a ing father and go to my own kids first birthday. And I appreciated that because I got to share my first first with him. 

Then I had to realize how to be a better lover. When I saw Ren with that guy I was pissed. He was what I never was to Ren. He was taking my boyfriend and my son out. One thing I never did with them. And they looked like a family. A better family than we have ever looked. And that pissed me off. And he told me that he doesn't know if he could ever be happy with me again and that added to the already existing pain. 

L. Joe made me realize again what was happening. That he wasn't going to wait anymore. He wasn't going to wait for me to grow some balls and get my act together. He was going to make himself happy whether I cared or not. And that I would have to do some major things to get him back. And I'm prepared to do them all. I don't want to let him go. I don't want him to go. And I don't want my son to go either. I want them back in my life and I'm not going to stop until I get them back.

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I walked downstairs after being called down to dinner. I went into the dinning room and my mother sat my food in front of me. I thanked her and took a bite of my food. My parents were talking to me about some vacation to Japan they wanted to take in a few weeks to go visit my sister in college. I was fine with it. I didn't really care. That wasn't really what I wanted to worry about at this time.

"Are you feeling well Jonghyun? You don't look well,"my mother said to me.

"Just thinking."

"About what son,"my father asked.

Just tell them J. R. It's now or I lose Ren and Yoki forever.

"About how to tell you two that I'm gay."

They both dropped their silverware and looked at me with wide eyes.

"What,"they both yelled in unison.

"I'm gay. I've known ever since I was in sixth grade."

"No, no. You're just going through a faze."

"No I'm not Appa. It would have never been with a phase. I've been with my boyfriend for almost five years. It is definitely not a phase anymore."

"What boyfriend!?"

"Ren. You've met him before. Many times."

"I forbid you to see him."

"Like hell you do. I've already made grown up decisions with my relationship. I have a son to make that known."

"J. R.!"

"I'm not done. I have a son and I'm tired of being a father to him. I wasn't there the nine months that Ren was pregnant. I wasn't there when my son was born. I wasn't there for any of his first besides his first birthday. I wasn't. I've hid that I've been in a five year relationship and am a father from everyone, but I'm tired no. I'm loosing both of them because I won't be a proper lover and father. But I'm going to be one now. And if you two don't like it, I don't give a . This is not your life, it's mine. And I made grown man decisions and I'm going to be a man now."

I got up from the table.

"I have to go see Ren."

I started walking out of the dinning room. 

"Wait, J. R.,"I heard my father yell.

I stopped and turned around.

"May we see our grandson?"

"If Ren is okay with it and once I get them both back."

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J.Law