He couldn’t understand what was going on. He actually could but his brain no matter how hard he tried couldn’t process it. No, he couldn’t process the surreal vision that took place in front of him. He couldn’t process the leaves. The trees. The wood. The rocks. And most of all he couldn’t process her. Fighting against all of it. Conquering her space, step-by-step, running, flying almost without being bothered by her short white dress or even her heels she dug twice already almost falling. He could catch her since he was behind desperately trying to stop her but before he could she would have already left. She was being insane, taken in some trance he absolutely couldn’t fight against. All he knew is that he had to follow, closely. He didn’t know exactly why either but his adrenaline, his instinct took the best of him as he managed to find the strength to follow, to keep up with her rhythm. At least he tried.

‘Pick me’… ‘I wish you had picked me’  ‘pick me’ ‘choose me’ no matter how fast she was running through the hills, digging her heels on the grass, stumbling on rocks his words were still resonating on her head. ‘Pick me’. His miserable face. His saddened eyes. She knew that face very well, that pathetic expression. She had seen it on her father, as she was 11. She was hiding behind the door as he was begging her mother to stay. He used these exact same words ‘Pick me’. ‘choose me’. ‘Us’. She didn’t. She left coldly not looking back at him, at her, at them. She hated her. How could she leave so easily a man who hadn’t done anything bad besides working hard for assuring them a future? She couldn’t understand, people around told her to not blame her mother because she was too young. She wouldn’t understand adults’ problem, what was between a man and a woman. She didn’t want to understand such a thing. It didn’t make any sense. All she knew is that it was terribly unfair, that her father didn’t deserve that. Neither did Mino. Karma. That was exactly what had slapped her in the face. Maybe ‘people’ was right, maybe she was too unfair to her mother. All these times she had tried to reach her, speak to her as she ignored her without any glimpse of guilt. Maybe she was now paying for her sin. She turned out to be to Mino what her mother was to her dad. She shook her head in denial. She had finally reached her favourite spot. Her shelter and its breath taking view over the city soon drown in its daily darkness. She was out of breath, now she realized it. She was in a terrible mess.

- You…you’re…officially…the…craziest…person…I’ve ever…met…she heard him say behind her as he was desperately out of breath. So was she.

- Why…why did you follow me? You shouldn’t be here...she said almost in a whisper clearly shaken up.

- I’M THE ONE WHO BROUGHT YOU HERE…REMEMBER? Excuse me for feeling slightly responsible when you decide to climb a ing mountain 40 minutes before the site actually closes and dressed like a member of SNSD escaping a fan meeting…are you OUT OF YOUR MIND? He shouted before putting his hand in his forehead. He usually never allow himself to curse in front of anyone beside his three friends. -Don’t answer that question I actually have the answer already. He finally added.

She looked at herself. How did she manage to walk until here wearing these shoes? She was a good hiker. But what she had just done was beyond her physical limits.  She was slowly going back to reality and that hurt even more, she was shivering.

- What…what are we doing here Hana-ya? He finally asked wanting to put an end to this torture she was going through and where she had dragged him as he couldn’t himself, stand to see her like that. Completely terrified, weak, lost. She didn’t answer anything but slowly looked the opposite way so she could have a look at this view. She took a deep breath. Closed her eyes as few tears were waiting to roll down. She wasn’t even surprised at this stage. She opened them again. Focused on all these windows slowly lightening one by one as she sun wasn’t enough to enlighten the city anymore. All these households seemed to be so tiny from where she was standing. They probably had problems too; probably theirs were even more unbearable. There was probably one broken heart behind each light. She wasn’t alone. She didn’t have the right to complain. She told herself what she’s been telling herself every time she had came here, every time she had felt destroyed. She was going to be fine.

- I …I’m… fine…she said in a whisper. – I…I’m fine…she repeated less stammering. – I am fine. She managed to say in one time this way. She kept on repeating it. Each time gaining more confidence. More strength. Each time louder. Until she was shouting it. Screaming it so that the echo would confirm her say. She put all her feelings in these three miserable words, venting out her anger, sadness, despair until her voice got weak again and caught in her sobs as she fall down on her knees letting that weight finally out. Letting him out, of her. Forever. 

He stood there witnessing everything. He couldn’t think of what to do but he just acted as someone he wasn’t sure he could be. He was guided by something making him want to go near her. He leaned close to her and hid her in his arms that she didn’t refuse to take burying her head in his chest. He let her cry in his embrace and once again asked himself how on earth he ended up there, in that strange place where he witnessed her completely and unconditionally break down. He’s never been allowed to see anyone breakdown as she did. He grew up in a family where feelings where taught to be restrained, hidden controlled. So he did live by these principles. He saw his friends sometimes being down and broken but he never had to deal with it by himself. He was a very reliable friend, he was always the one called to fix quickly the situation. Chang wook was the one called to fix them. He always had the kind words for that. He didn’t. He was the coldest. Yet, somehow, he found a way to warm up in front of her. He wasn’t sure he was doing it right but he felt like it was the right thing to do. He wasn’t sure either if this was what she needed but he knew that ‘he’ needed to be there for her, to hold her, to fix her. He also knew right in that moment that nothing would ever be the same again. The worst part is that it made him happy.

♦

- Do you remember Daniel? Daniel Henney? She raised an eyebrow. That’s probably not how she expected the discussion to start. - The hot young English teacher we had when I was a senior? God he was so handsome…wasn’t he? I asked rhetorically. - Very smart as well, he was on of these rare and inspiring teachers it is almost impossible to run into during your school path especially in our country…he took of all the boundaries the system, the society our family had slowly implemented in our mind and made us reappraise everything we thought we knew…what a great source of inspiration…I admired him so much... And you should’ve too…he was the type of person you usually respect but strangely you didn’t… I confronted her still leaning on her room office door she had let opened. Probably on purpose as she was waiting for me.

- Good evening to you too. She corrected after eying me from head to toe. I ignored.

-  You had this thing against him…I added walking towards her. - I couldn’t understand what…why…it was so strong that you forbid me to attend the tuitions he had organized for the college exam entrance when everyone else including Sue was attending…I yelled, I cried, I resented you for a whole week before forgetting it. As I usually do when it comes to you. I paused. - I remember back then you justified yourself by explaining that his tuition wasn't good enough to get me on the top of the school ranking… that I deserved better… you ended up hiring all that crazy team forcing me to work until no hours so that I could get the first place...

- I remember. She answered pausing for a few seconds. - I also remember that you didn't get the first place... Hana did... She calmly stated. I smirked.

- Yes she did. I nodded widely. - You know why?

- Because she attended Daniel's tuition? She answered sarcastically removing her glasses.

- No. Because she did it for herself. She did not want to be number one to please ‘someone’. She got the first place because 'she' wanted it. That’s why she’s always ranked 1^st. And why I’ve always ranked 2^nd  …I answered her with a meaningful tone implying explicitly for the first time what has been one of the main issues that had haunted my childhood.  

- What is your point Gongju? She asked crossing her arms and putting herself confortable in her chair showing me that she had all my attention.

- He was biracial.

- Excuse me? She managed to mumble but it was too late, I had already seen that insecure look she rarely bears. I caught her off guard.

-You knew I looked up to him and you hated it, not because he was an atheist, not because he voted left-wing or even because of his “loose morals” some parents have accused him of; no you hated him because he was the only person in my entourage that you didn’t manage to oust and with whom I had this thing in common with, being biracial. She stood there looking at me with that almost invisible smirk my words inspired her.

- I didn’t know you could be that naive my dear. She calmly stated as I frowned. Was she seriously going to deny it? - I did manage to oust him, why do you think he didn’t renew his contract the following semester. ? She provoked confidently as I scoffed. I could understand now why his departure was so sudden after he got that ‘amazing opportunity’ an Ivy League college had gave him. I couldn’t believe I bought it. She was right. I was truly naïve. I shook my head in disbelief.

- I don’t understand…why…why are you so scared of my difference…all my life you made me erase any glimpse of white blood I had so that I’d look perfectly Asian, I never had the right to dye my hair, to get a perm, get tanned, you put me on a strict diet since I was 9 so that I would look ‘Korean’ skinny. You made me learn stuff dated from the Joseon era none of my friends had to go through just so that you could brag about it, you controlled every inch of my life and I obeyed diligently thinking naively that one day all of this would end because I would have proved myself enough for your entire ridiculous world to acknowledge that I am the perfect Korean girl but god I was wrong, wasn’t I? …It’ll never be enough no matter what I do…you’d rather have people think I went under the scalpel than mentioning my French mother…

- No. You’re actually right. There’s a way for you to prove yourself one last time and be free for the rest of your life…she suggested calmly after a pause and I lost it.

- Oh really? I scoffed as my anger got the best of me. - Let me guess… Selling me to the Ju’s is the last deal you’re making to buy back your pride and your dignity that my liberal white mother destroyed by conceiving a child out of marriage with your innocent and flawless Korean son?

Silence. I couldn’t believe I had just said that. Never in my life I have been bold enough to confront her.

- I wouldn’t have put it this way if I were you but you got it right so I’m not going to deny it. I shivered. She finally said it. I was right. ‘I was right’ I took the time to repeat a last time for me. She officially admitted it destroying the last surviving glimpse of hope I had about all of this being a part of my crazy imagination. - There’s only one detail you’ve skipped in your theory.  I’m not the one who sold you Gongju. You did it yourself. She added as I frowned. - You put yourself for sale the second you misbehaved in front of the most powerful buyer this continent have. All I could do was negotiate the transaction to your advantage, to our family’s advantage… she told me as I could feel the tension building within her own voice. She was close to burst too. So was I.

- I misbehaved…I …I sold myself? God I can’t believe it…I yelled throwing up my hands up. – HOW? BY ACTING LIKE A STUPID PERFECT PRINCESS AS YOU TAUGHT ME TO DO SO THAT YOUR ENTIRE SOCIALITE BUNCH OF NO HOPERS COULD AKNOWLEDGE ME, SO THAT YOU COULD AKNOWLEDGE ME? YOU MADE ME WHO I AM. YOU MADE THIS MARKETING PRODUCT OUT OF ME!  I shouted, as she was the one scoffing now laughing nervously and shaking her head.

- I …I made you who you are? She said pointing at herself. – What a joke…could you be nice and tell me what part of my education did I miss so that you could go around getting involved with that scumbag of Jun Ji Hoon when I told you exactly to do the opposite? I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM HIM DID’NT I? Do you really think that I raised you as the perfect girl so that big chaebol dogs could hunt you? GOOD GIRLS ARE BORING AND UNITERESTING, nobody chases them…they live peacefully and quietly. And that’s exactly what I wanted for you…but no…YOU HAD TO DISOBEY…She finished yelling as well. I frowned before realization hit me.

- Wait a second…it’s can’t be that…Oh for god’s sake please… I told you the bouquet thing was an accident, I apologized for that! You can’t be seriously punishing me for that…

- I’m not punishing you Gongju, I told you. You’re the one who put yourself in this situation…it’s not my fault she set her eyes on you…

- Please please PLEASE…STOP IT…BECAUSE I BUMP INTO HER SON IN FRONT OF A STUPID CROWD I AM CONVICTED TO MARRY THAT PIECE OF TRASH?

- Oh no my dear she’s very far from being stupid but I am starting to think that YOU MIGHT BE…

- Then explain me…enlighten me…what is it that I’ve done to deserve such sentence?

- SHE SAW YOU GOT INVOLVED WITH HER SON! SHE SAW YOU MEDDLLING WITH HIS DIRTY BUSINESS. WORST SHE SAW YOU FIX IT! She saw you get rid of Lee Miyeon on Sunny’s wedding… She added more calmly as my whole body shivered making me stumble. – She was following him because she knew what that talkie was up to and the rumors she would’ve spread if she wouldn’t interfere but luckily she didn’t have to…since YOU TOOK CARE OF IT. She didn’t set her eyes on you because you’re the perfect well brought up daughter… that’s what she was and it didn’t help her secure her throne. She set her eyes on you because she saw you handle her son like no one ever did, she saw you impose yourself, she saw the wild side that’s been living in you and that I worked so hard to erase take control over you during one single moment and how scary it could be… she saw everything…We had roles to play Gongju…you’re the good and innocent one…I’m the bad one…I’m the one who gets my hands dirty…not you!

- What…what…do…you mean by everything?

- Oh if you’re referring to the part where you both fought for domination with your respective tongues don’t worry she left quickly feeling quite uncomfortable at the sight and she was nice enough to not mention that embarrassing detail in front of me, the cctv help me figured it out…

I felt like my lungs were being squeezed and slowly deprived of air as a wavy cold flash invaded my body. There actually was a ‘cctv’.

- I…I’m sorry…I…I actually couldn’t finish my sentence. I looked, felt and sound pathetic.

- I knew something was fishy the second I saw you both at the airport. There’s this thing, this tension between you two…she felt it too…

- One mistake…it was only one mistake…I’m sorry…I truly am…I promise I’ll never get around him again…I’ll never talk to him… anything you want me but…please…please…stop this marriage…I’m begging you…I literally begged my voice shivering as a tear that I didn’t see coming rolling down in my cheek. She shook her head I know she can’t stand my tears; I wasn’t even doing it on purpose.

- It’s too late. There’s nothing I can do about it…

- Why? Does she have something on you? Did she threaten you?

- NOBODY NEVER EVER THREATENS ME DO YOU GET THAT?

- So it’s not that you can’t, you actually don’t want to, you’re willing to give me up to them…

- I…I believe you can benefit from this union…

- HOW? HOW ON EARTH CAN I BENEFIT FROM THIS UNION? YOU HATE HIM!

- I do. But there’s this thing between you two. I couldn’t see it at first, I thought it was all part of Hyun Lee’s crazy imagination but now… I think…No I know that she was right. You two are meant to be. Meant to accomplish things together…

- NONSENSE…where did you get that bull? From her?  …We have nothing... nothing in common!!

- That’s where you’re wrong…you two are exactly the same. All his life he acted as a ruthless and irresponsible looser to hide the good side in him whilst all your life you did the exact opposite.

- And whose fault is that?

- Mine. I am not going to deny it.  I actually assume it. In fact I am fixing it. You two together for some chemical reason I’m not sure I want to understand manage to bring that hidden side out of each other…she added as I shook my head in disbelief. Everything she was saying seemed so senseless.

- No..No…No…

- Think about it. You can finally embrace who you truly are, his social status will put you above everything, nobody will ever dare-

- STOP IT! STOP IT! WHO AM I? DO I EVEN KNOW WHO I AM? UNTIL 20 MINUTES AGO I WAS THE MOST OBEDIENT AND EDUCATED DAUGHTER ON EARTH AND NOW YOU WANT TO MAKE ME BELIEVE THAT I ACTUALLY AM THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE? I DON’T WHO I AM!

- You’re your mother’s daughter that’s what you are…

- Excuse me? Why…why does it sound like an insult?

- I didn’t hate your mother because she was white or French. I hated her for who she was. It would’ve not been different if she were red black or purple. She was this rebellious, free and undisciplined spirit it was impossible to tame…the type of independent person it is impossible to control in any way because nothing beside their freedom matters to them…and you…you don’t know it yet but it is exactly what you’ve inherited from her…what I’ve worked so hard to repress…why do you think you’ve always been fascinated by Sue since your youngest age…because you see your mother in her…you see yourself in her…it is the reason why I couldn’t stand Henney either. Because the first time you saw him deep down in yourself you connected, related to that freedom the second you heard him speak…

- Don’t…don’t talk about her like that…I…I don’t understand…until…until…how long are you gonna hate her…she is dead…she is dead for god’s sake…DEAD… DEAD… DEAD…

- SO IS MY SON! She yelled making me almost jump on my spot. My son died too on that same day…he left coldly without even looking back at me, at you…I have no single idea of what he’s doing, how he’s living, if he’s eating…MY SON DIED TOO ON THAT SAME DAY…so if you don’t want me to mention your late mother out of respect I would appreciate that you don’t mention my son either because as far as I’m concerned; my son is dead too. She ordered me her voice close to crack as my heart was left shattered. That’s what it was all about.

- I…I’m sorry…I’m really…really… sorry…I…I’m not going to be able to keep my promise…I said slowly walking backward.

- What promise? She raised an eyebrow.

- Not hating you. I saw her slightly widen her eyes and I looked at my side not wanting to change my mind. - I…I really wished you could’ve loved me just for who I am not for who you thought I should be…I…I guess here lies the difference between you and my real mother…I said as another tear managed to escape from the flow my eyes was keeping. I could see her whole body shiver and put her hand on her desk as she briefly lost her balance. I ignored. I couldn’t be weak. I’ve been weak for too long. Maybe I was unfair. But so she was. – I…I am not going to object to any wedding plans you have for me…but please note that this marriage will be the last thing in my life you’ll ever get involved with…I managed to find the strength to tell her before storming away almost bumping into my grandfather who was dramatically standing behind the door as he probably heard everything. He slowly raised his head AND I knew the reddened eyes he had was a vision that was going to haunt me until the end of my life. I passed by him as I felt him stood there before entering her office and closing the door behind him. I didn’t want to think about it. From now on I was going to focus on my emotions only. I’ve done too much, gave too much, for what? I wanted to cry, to scream, shout out my pain and frustration but couldn’t find the energy to maybe because of the part of myself that still couldn’t believe what had just happened. What was about to happen…