Already the next day I am the nervous one in the studio with my members. Carolina and Emelia are recording [Mr. Handsome] along with me today, Julia is working and Maria is at home doing absolutely nothing. Recording the song is strange as we trashed the “boring” version last year, while everyone seems excited to record the “fun” version, and I am just … feeling strange. I’m nervous for tonight where I will be a guest on Jonghyun’s radio (oh my) and before that I have dinner with his sister and mother (oh MY!) and to top all that I am freaking out that in four days we will head to Los Angeles. The dinner with Jonghyun’s mother has been secretly planned since last week. Jonghyun doesn’t know about it, which has been difficult for all three of us going on this dinner because all of us talk to him every day and it is so easy to slip out “oh, and by the way, I am going on dinner with your girlfriend/sister/mother”. We should be rewarded for not having told him yet. The reason we don’t want Jonghyun to know is because it would be more awkward with him around. I know it will be awkward because Jonghyun’s sister likes me but his mother doesn’t, and we broke up but now we’re back together so this whole dinner seems like the awkward way for me to try saying something. I even asked Manager Lim’s wife for advice on what to bring with me, and she suggested food. Traditional Korean food. I stayed up late cooking last night for that, and I added a cinnamon wreath (a first for me to make but I have eaten it so many times) as I want to share something Swedish for them. Maria’s idea, which was why she helped me made it. “I want to hear the other version,” Emelia smirks when sitting down in the sofa in the recording studio. She gives me a teasing look. “Oppa, you really didn’t save it?” Looking at me she asks Hyekyung the question, and I pout out my lips. “Carolina saved it,” Hyekyung answers and nods at Carolina who looks up, surprised to hear her name as she probably did not hear anything else that was said. She is in her producer-mode, all focused and blinded from everything else than recording [Mr. Handsome]. “Lina, let us hear the original version,” Emelia suggest. “Not a chance,” Carolina shakes her head. Carolina liked the original version when we made it, an R&B song, but now when making a pop version she seems to dislike the original version. She avoids it at all costs, even now she only focuses on the new version and avoids even talking about the old one. I sigh as I notice her being happier with the pop version, yet I don’t know which one I prefer the more. Indeed I am proud we actually managed to change the lyrics to acceptance at first try, but I like the first one we did too. I like it when our time at the recording studio is wrapped up. It felt nice to be in the studio, but the hard-working Carolina unable to stop repeat the same few seconds of the song for a whole hour to do another few seconds of the song for the next hour. Honestly, it’s tough letting Carolina take a lot of charge in the studio, she is amazing and the result is the best but it is indeed tough, so when leaving I am first just relieved its done for the day but once we have left, I am getting nervous to face Jonghyun’s family. My casual look for the hot summer day in the studio and meeting Jonghyun’s family I am wearing a simple white tee, beige linen pants that are so nice to wear because they are thin and perfect for the summer, and though I wore a hat when leaving the agency I take it off in the car to not wear it when meeting Jonghyun’s mother. One thing I want for this dinner is to make a good impression, which is why I am freaking out. I love Jonghyun’s mother and sister, they are both amazing women, but Jonghyun’s mother doesn’t like me much and that I am coming over for dinner can be seen as a try for me to make her like me and/or for her to tell me to break up with her son. Its dreadful how my mind is fantasising these scenes that are more than uncomfortable about how this dinner will turn out like. More nervous than for my solo concert, I get up in front of the house carrying the food Maria and I made last night. Because I texted Sodam (Jonghyun’s sister) when I got on the street she meets me by the door before I even rings the doorbell. She is pretty and her smile is wide, reminding me of Jonghyun’s smile, when she greets me. Meeting Sodam is nice; I like her so much and she always says she wants to go for lunch with me though neither one of us seem to have the time, giving me the impression that she likes me too. “Hey, can you carry that with your injuries?” she suddenly burst out and takes one of the bags I’m carrying, letting me in after that. “Jonghyun said it still hurts?” “No, it’s just fine,” I assure her. My hands do sting at times when I use them too much but it is definitely so much better than a month ago. “You really do not have to carry it for me, I can handle it.” “I can help you out,” Sodam smiles and takes the other bag too from me. I change my shoes to indoor slippers, just laughing at Sodam’s cuteness when she looks inside the bags, asking what I have made. We are talking when walking inside the house, the place I have visited only one time and at that time I only went upstairs to Jonghyun’s room – he sneaked me in and when leaving his mother caught us. The reminder of that makes my mouth dry of fear because when entering the kitchen, Jonghyun’s mother looks up. “Hi, Hannah,” she simply greets me, not pausing her cooking to greet me better. For me, I greet her politely and bow. “You’re early.” A few minutes earlier than what we said. “I’m rather early than late,” I answer quietly, “If you need any help, I can try my best.” “No need, I’m almost done. Sodam, you can give Hannah a round tour while I finish dinner.” It feels like I am pushing myself inside the house based on her reaction, as if I am clearly not welcomed here. It is a lot worse than what I imagined. Sodam shows me around the house, we take our time as if she knows her mother isn’t really warm towards me but she doesn’t say anything about it. Maybe I should’ve told Jonghyun anyway, to be given advice of how to handle his mother, but I wouldn’t want him around to be part of this awkward dinner we have planned. “When are you going to the US?” Sodam wonders when we’re getting back to the dining table after her mother has said we can come to sit down. “We are going on Sunday,” I answer, “Which is weird because I haven’t even packed yet. Our stylist is going through our wardrobe to sort out what to bring, as if we will have to dress up every single day.” “But what’s the reason for going there? I know you have told me but I didn’t really get it,” she is saying with the look that she has known the reason but is confused about it. “You’re going there to train?” “Basically,” I nod. I don’t explain at first as I say it smells delicious, looking at all the food on the table when we take a seat. We talk about the food when Sodam’s mother sits down and we continue when starting to eat before Sodam asks me about Los Angeles again. “Our tour starts in October, so the trip is to work with choreographers and prepare the tour.” “You’re going to live in the US to October?” Jonghyun’s mother asks. Maybe she hasn’t heard that. “No, no, no, we’re going there for about a month and then we’ll be back in mid-September sometime,” I am fast to answer. “It’s for four or five weeks, I guess.” “Ah-ha…” she nods, looking at her food. Sodam glances at her mother, making me wonder what that ‘ah-ha’ means. “I heard you will be abroad for a year, not a month.” Jonghyun could’ve talked to her about it, or Sodam, but I understand it is not this trip to Los Angeles for a month she has heard about. “Ah, well, the tour is a world tour, so … we will be travelling quite a lot for about a year,” I quietly explain. “A world tour, really?” she nods and gives an expression of being impressed while her tone does not say she is impressed at all. It gets quiet after that, I don’t know what to say but I know I want to change the subject; the question is what to bring up. It is a few long minutes before I manage to ask Sodam how work is for her, and I am glad we can start a new subject that is not awkward. The food I put in my mouth is so hard to swallow, I keep glancing at Jonghyun’s mother as she is the reason I am unable to swallow correctly. When the subject gets to Jonghyun’s mother’s work, I can connect to what she talks about. She is a director of a kindergarten, and when it comes to kindergartens I think I know quite a lot about it. Not a lot, of course, but enough to create a conversation. In school we got three weeks to try out a job, where Maria and I went to try out to be a kindergarten teacher, which was a lot of fun, then I have made visits to kindergartens over the years for work and just before the summer I went with Kyungho too. When talking about her job, Jonghyun’s mother softens up a little, and she brings up that she has watched Good Sister. I know she watches the show, both Sodam and Jonghyun have said it; Sodam has told me “just watched your show with mom” before. It is just mentioned, I don’t know what we say about it really other than that Kyungho is a smart kid. Towards the end of the dinner, things have softened up but we are in the same situation as when I entered. Jonghyun’s mother will probably never change her opinion about me, whether it is that I am a foreigner or that she feels I am not good enough for her son, I just think she will always dislike me. I’m not okay with it, mostly because Jonghyun loves his mother so damn much that it will hurt him knowing the two of us are not … that close. “For how long are you planning on seeing my son this time?” Jonghyun’s mother asks when putting down her chopsticks, her eyes meeting mine for the first time during the whole dinner. My lips are held tightly together and I hold my breath. For how long am I planning on seeing her son this time? “The two of you broke up then I caught you sneaking around and then nothing until suddenly I am told you two are back together,” she tells me and she is indeed a fierce woman, she is calm when telling me this but something about her is very fierce. “For how long, is what I want to ask you?” “Mom,” Sodam says with a sigh. I know for sure she is not saying the whole truth. While we weren’t a couple, Jonghyun talked a lot to his mother and sister about me, he has told me now after hand that his mother got so upset at him for the months we were not together. She knows we missed each other so I don’t know what to answer on that question. “Alright then let me formulate it this way; why should I let you stay with my son? Why should I let him make this mistake?” she asks me directly. That question, annoys me, and I do my best to hold that in as the last thing I want to do is to get in a fight with my boyfriend’s mother but it annoys me a lot, not that she sees me as a mistake (I can understand that, I’m not even Korean) but the whole thing that she has anything to do with it annoys me. “It’s… not your decision to make,” I quietly say. On the inside I am panicking to express myself better, but the suggested sentences in my head rush by so fast that I almost feel dizzy. “It’s not?” she almost sounds like she scoffs at my answer. “It’s Jonghyun’s decision,” I answer, frowning at the table as I can’t face her as direct as she faces me. “Ah-ha,” Jonghyun’s mother says and this time I know she does not like my answer. My eyes look up at her, seeing her look at her mother, as to tell it is over. “I know your son loves and respect you,” I tell her, still annoyed at what she said, “A mother’s opinion and advice can be misunderstood but it is a guideline… As a mother you are there to teach your kids a lot of things, including mistakes and what’s right and wrong, but you can’t grow unless you experience these mistakes yourself. Jonghyun told me that. If I had done exactly what my mother had wanted me to do, I would never have come to Korea seven years ago. If it is a mistake for us to be together, we should experience that if it comes, but … I hope it isn’t a mistake.” As soon as I close my mouth, my heart starts racing out of fear. What did I just say? Did I just lecture Jonghyun’s mother? Oh, gosh, I am so dead. The worst part is that the other two are also quiet. Sodam is glancing from me to her mother while her mother is focusing her eyes on me. What do I do now? “I’m sorry,” I apologize once I am able to take a breath. Her brows go down a bit, as if she is trying to read me, and it reminds me of