Kiss. A soft kiss. It was the kind of kiss that you long for, so soft and filled with sweetness and we both hesitated at the length of the kiss before leaning away. A kiss long enough to put me on fire but not enough to make me stop thinking of it, instead I long for more. And the words ‘nothing has changed’. I wake up by my own finger touching my lip by the dreams of that kiss. By waking up my body feel stiff and my surrounding is not of the bedroom I always wake up in. I am in the living-room, a blanket is over me, and the person I have been snuggling with in sleep is watching me. Seeing him watch me makes me blush but instead of hiding in his chest I turn away, my mind is clear and the words ‘nothing has changed’ is annoyingly repeated in my head. “Good morning,” Jonghyun says as he clears his throat. We fell asleep in the sofa. After kissing we talked a bit more, not much, just a bit, and we must’ve fallen asleep. Or was it just me? I look at the clock on the wall, seeing it is already eight in the morning, and Jonghyun is still here. I turn to look at Jonghyun after sitting up. “Did… um…” The words come out and I space out, trying to sort out a question to ask if he has been awake all night while I feel asleep for a few hours. “Julia came by,” Jonghyun tells me, as if that was what I would ask him. “She took Milo with her.” Oh right, Julia said she would come by in the morning, and she said she would be quiet to not wake me up since it is a rare late morning I have before my schedule will begin. I take a deep breath as I wonder how she reacted to seeing Jonghyun here. “She just smiled when she saw me,” Jonghyun tells exactly the things I am wondering about. “I woke up when Milo ran around.” He has been sleeping too then. Jonghyun suddenly shoots a smile at me, making me confused. “You look frightened,” he chuckles and holds up his hand, his two fingers touch my forehead to pull them lightly down between my eyebrows. My face relaxes and I realise I have been sitting with dilated eyes since I woke up, both confused and scared of Julia coming in to see Jonghyun here when she knows we have broken up. I have to talk to her later, to say nothing happened between me and Jonghyun, to explain that we just talked and fell asleep. The words Jonghyun spoke before kissing me lets me know that nothing has changed, and it makes me relax instead of frightening out that he has gotten the wrong idea; he knows that nothing has changed between us after tonight, yet … it makes me sad thinking we can’t do things like this. We can’t mix up our behaviour like this, to talk and to kiss; we aren’t a couple anymore, the kissing part shouldn’t exist. Jonghyun’s fingers fall down from my forehead and he tilts his head to look at me, I know he is wondering of what I am thinking off. “Can I take something to eat in the kitchen?” he asks me, and it is a question I know he didn’t want to ask. Maybe he wants to ask me about the kiss, maybe he wants to see if things really haven’t changed between us, maybe he wants things to change between us. Though we talked last night, nothing really did change. We didn’t come up with an idea of how to make things un-weird between us, in fact we probably complicated things a bit more by kissing. But I loved it. Oh, I can dream so much of that kiss, of his lips on mine, how softly he touched me- “Hannah?” “Yes?” I wake up from daydreaming, just to know I have been staring at him while imagining him kissing me again and I blush before rushing out from the sofa. “What do you want to eat?” “You’ll make breakfast for me?” Jonghyun smirks. “Depends on what you want,” I answer, hurrying inside the kitchen to not let him catch a glimpse of my blushing face. “I’m not picky with food,” Jonghyun tells me and I hear him leave the sofa, “Just do something simple.” I open the fridge like always, and while I pretend to me scanning for what to make I am distracted when hearing Jonghyun say ‘good morning’ to one of the cats as he walks inside the kitchen. Tiger comes to circulate around my feet and I stare straight ahead in the fridge. “What about omelette?” I ask. A chair is pulled out and I turn around after asking my question to see Jonghyun sit down by the kitchen table. “Omelette sounds good,” he nods. When I take out the ingredients I frown a bit at the amused tone he has. I am newly woken yet I am clearly awake, or I just imagine that because I don’t really know what I am doing since I walk back and forth too much. I wash my hands and I go push my hair away with a gray cat eat accent hair band that I got at a fan-signing, something I use when removing my makeup. I am nervous having Jonghyun watch me from behind, even if he is looking at his phone when I turn to glance at him I am pretty certain he is watching me when I start making breakfast. Omelette with some vegetables and tuna, I roast bread too. “This reminds me of when you make breakfast to Kyungho in the show,” Jonghyun comments when walking up next to me. He leans over the kitchen worktop to look at the omelette I am making. He watches Good Sister, I didn’t know that. “It is cute seeing you barely awake, making breakfast like this for him.” It is cute. I don’t find a word to say in response so all I do is to give him a glance. Mr Smiling Perfectly, he is from head to toe the most stunning person, and if we were still together I would wrap my arms around him. But we’re not. And I don’t wrap my arms around him. “Do you want me to do anything?” Jonghyun wonders. “You ask that now? I’m almost done,” I say with a smile. “I know,” Jonghyun says, tilting his head to look deeply at me. Those eyes on me are pushing colour to my cheeks again. “What?” I mumble. I cover his eyes with one hand, just to tell him to stop looking at me like that. His smile grows. “It’s nice seeing you cook,” Jonghyun confess, “I remember when you didn’t even know how to make anything else than boiled eggs.” “Oh, because I have cooked so many times for you before,” I laugh at the mention of my cooking skills. “A few times,” he answers, also laughing. I turn off the stove and put the omelette on the plate, when I hand it to him he just looks at me. “Are you not having any?” I shake my head with a smile. “I take yogurt like a pre-breakfast,” I answer. “Pre-breakfast,” he repeats with a nod, smiling, he takes the plate I have prepared for him. It’s like everything he does is breathtaking, even now when he takes the plate I have to remind myself to breathe because of the way he looks down from me, the way his body is leaning against the kitchen worktop. He is pure perfection in my eyes. He takes his seat by the kitchen table and with the distance between us I turn my focus to do the dishes. I fix the dishes Emelia had left behind too, just to have something to do while he is eating. I listen to him though, doing my best to hear him eat, how the fork touches the plate when he picks up another bite, how he says ‘mm’ before complimenting the food. There is this word that Jonghyun has been using around me, something that I suddenly come to think of while listening to him eat. He says ual frustration, and for him it means when he wants me so badly that he can’t contain himself. The exact same thing is growing inside of me: I want him, and I want him badly. It makes me panic because we aren’t in that kind of relationship anymore. I know we have had after the breakup, but … that was confusion, I think. But we kissed last night, and he hasn’t even tried to get any further, so it is only bad thoughts in my head imagining us kissing again, of having my hands on him… I sigh just as Jonghyun gets up next to me. I stare up at him in surprise, mostly because I thought he was eating but also because he is already done eating; he comes with the dishes to put it in the dishwasher. I take a step away, watching him. He is in a sweater and pants, sitting perfectly on his body and I am an idiot wanting to remove his clothes. “Are you okay?” Jonghyun asks when turning around, looking directly at me again, and before I know it his hand is touching my cheek. “You look like you have a fever.” Swallowing, I take a step away from him. I haven’t been single in over four years. Before that, I didn’t really have these thoughts – mostly because I wasn’t used to be near anyone the way I am now – so to think of undressing Jonghyun right in this moment is a sinful thought that I am not clearly awake to hide from myself. If this was an hour later, where I had gotten the chance to wake up a bit more, I would’ve pushed away my thoughts as soon as they were building in my mind, but as said; I haven’t woken up. My cheeks are burning, I know that, and instead of coming closer Jonghyun leans back against the kitchen worktop, watching me, and after I am done feeling stupid over my blushing cheeks I see the look on his face. It hits me like an electric shot; every since I started to make breakfast he has been watching me, when he leaned over the worktop earlier to look straight at my face, that intense look in his eyes that made me cover him, the whole thing he has been doing when eating. He has known the whole time that I have been taking extra notice of him, he has been so aware of how I respond to him. I think it is because I blushed when I fled to the kitchen before. Kim Jonghyun wants me to take the first move, he wants me to admit that I want him and that everything I have said before are still just words because my body and mind still belongs to him. I know that is what he thinks. I believe him when he said nothing has changed, and whatever happens, nothing will change. Yet, once this all hits me, I just want him even more because now I know I am not feeling this alone. He wants me too. I walk up to him, my eyes on the lip he bites and I am getting all nervous when his hand touches my hip to pull me closer. Touch me. His fingers spread out to grab on to my hip and I lean in to kiss him. He opens his mouth for the kiss, right away this is a completely different feeling than the soft kiss a few hours ago. This is intense, this is ual, and my hands find themselves holding on to his neck, my fingertips touch his hair as I have dreamt of doing and I hold on to him to deepen the kiss, his hair between my fingers. He tastes like eggs and juice, his tongue is wet and his hands press me against him. I am under a spell, I want more and more and he makes me groan by grabbing on to my hair, I kiss my neck, I hold on to his face to have his lips against mine. His hands are firm, he isn’t careful to grab on to me and neither is he rough, and it is the best feeling to have his hands on me again, all firm and determined. We’re on fire, his skin is hot against mine and I pull in his shirt, I want him closer to me. He must be having the same thoughts because he throws his sweater off and my hands are touching his skin. I like where this is going. Jonghyun takes a hold of the hem of my top, leaning away from the worktop and I start backing out in the kitchen. I plant kisses on his chest as he moves me further away from the worktop, all until my back hits the wall next to the kitchen table and I feel Jonghyun smile against my mouth when he kisses me. I love it; the way he sounds, how his hands glide under my top and caress my back up and down, then up along my sides and he brings the top along when his hands glides up my arms. The top fall off and he holds my hands up above my head, kissing me and pressing his body against mine. When his hands leaves mine I put my hands on his head, grabbing on to his hair and I can’t help but to moan over how great it feels when he puts his hands on my s, how much I miss his touch. The more his hands travels on my body the more lost I get in Kim Jonghyun, the more unaware I get of the sounds I make, the more I enjoy him hearing his responses. Before falling down on the floor, lost in the moment, we run off to my room. I grab the clothes on the floor while Jonghyun s his pants. We are in a hurry to get closer because as soon as I throw the door shut after us I wrap my arms around him, I grab his hair and I am just about to kiss him when he is the one gripping on to my hair tightly between his fingers, pulling my head back to kiss my neck, roughly pressing me against the door, I moan while being grinded on hard but slow, then almost being scratched on my back while he pulls me closer. ++ - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -+ - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -+ - + - ++ Kim Jonghyun. He is the only man who can make me feel so great even when we do bad things. Oh I feel so good. After he had left, I had gotten ready and gone to work. Friday. I have gone through a bunch of interviews and some promotional videos during the day before I am now at Music Bank, where my performance is pre-recorded but we are still there because I do have interview for KBS to do. Julia has come with me today, I think she is here mostly to show support to Amber who is having her solo debut today with [Shake That Brass]. But whatever I do during the day I can not shake him off. He is like a small reminder that I am in a great mood today, even if I know I shouldn’t feel this good because what we did is not something you do after a breakup. Are things more complicated? I have no idea! We have texted during the day, just briefly, but we haven’t really said anything and I don’t know if we will get the chance to talk. I am in some ways sad that he is so perfect, that he makes me feel relaxed and nervous at the same time, I love so much about Jonghyun that I wonder what the heck I am doing. We aren’t getting back together, we had just this morning and it was incredible, but since he isn’t my boyfriend a