Emelia and I head out to film on Tuesday morning in Shanghai, two different locations for our solo parts. I slept deeply last night, and this morning I am happy it is not a performance I am doing. I think my cold is returning, I am not in my best condition, but with makeup and magic, I do look good for the cameras. I hold out my hands to show the camera my nails when the camera-woman filming the making steps up to me. I show my hands to distract her filming from my body; I am wearing an allover chain and metal embellished sleeveless shift dress with low open back and thin adjustable ties behind my neck and back. It is in a cool grey mixed metal, the dress is short and the deep v-neck surely shows off my assets at the front. I like the over-the-knee heels in a similar matching colour as the dress. It is all about reaching the international market, I guess; because this dress would be way too revealing for me – or it is the new style of 2015. “What are you filming here?” she asks me, surely not interested in my nails. Probably because maria has already talked about the design of our nail arts for this music video already. My nails are simple, not covered with colours but with a few simple drawings on them. “We are here to…” I start to say while I look around at the sand I will be filming in, “to film my solo scene for [Pieces’ Invasion]. I will be locked up in here like an animal and … um … and I don’t like being locked up like an animal. I think I am surrounded by sand and stones because my element in the video is fire, and stones can’t catch fire…” My voices dies out as I speak, not really sure if I am making any sense as it is just my guess. We are in a stone building that is apparently an old school of some kind, and now the team has filled a corner with sand and some small cages for birds I think, and the window on the side has bars on it. “It looks cool, doesn’t it?” I ask the woman, looking at her nod behind her camera. “I hope it looks cool for the video.” I wait until the director says we will begin filming, and as soon as I am told what is expected of me, I know I look like I want to run away from here. It is a music video, to lie down in the sand and act for the camera – it’s basic after seven years in the industry – but I don’t think I have ever had to lie down in sand in a small dress – so each step I make I am hesitating. When I place my heels in the sand, a staff holds on to my hand, the director is repeating what he wants me to do and I am nodding while I get help to sit down on my knees. The first few times are awkward and I don’t know what to do, but after that I get a hang of it and I get more comfortable playing around in the sand and acting charismatic while acting for the music video. Without the music playing I would’ve been lost, now I have something to follow, music to direct my movements and lyrics I can lip-synch to. The sand gets into my boots and under my dress, even under my safety pants so my skin starts itching and each time I get out of the same I try to shake everything off. I get it in my hair too, just a little, and I don’t really mind playing in the sand it is just that my stylists are very focused on getting rid of the sad between the takes to not make it look like I have been rolling around in the sand for the music video. With the camera pretty close the director asks me to throw the sand around, or towards them, like an animalistic reaction to get rid of nuisance. I throw the sand towards the camera, I burst out apologizing with laughter as the camera-man got it thrown on him too; I was a bit too rough throwing the sand. We keep filming during the day, mostly dancing parts today and we are practicing the choreography at the same time as we haven’t practiced it too much before, like expected. But it goes well. I love being surrounded by my members; we have tons of fun together, there is constant laughter between the filming and around dinner time, our music video filming is completed. “Dinner out, you in?” Maria asks our stylist when we are changing in the dressing-room “Who wants to miss it? I heard you’re paying,” she jokes back. It’s in the evening; everyone is preparing to go for dinner to celebrate the completion of the music video, and I am sitting in the room feeling completely gone. In the evening my whole body has just been washing away, I don’t have a headache but my body is in cold sweat and I am not feeling well at all. It could be the difference of the weather in Shanghai, the weather is hot even if it’s raining. I am already done changing so I sit there waiting for the others, maybe I’m falling asleep too because I can’t even tell if my eyes are open or not – I am either sleeping or spacing out, I’m certain it is one of them. “It turned out great though,” Julia says when falling down in the seat next to mine, her shoulder touches mine just slightly but I get such a fright that I blink awake and look around in the room even if I knew what happened. Julia is talking to someone else, sitting with her back against me now. I bend my back and put my hands in my face before remembering I am still wearing the makeup so I don’t rub my eyes, instead I yawn. “Maybe you should go back to the hotel instead,” Maria suggests, squatting down in front of me. She puts her hand on my leg for me to know it is me she is talking to. Maria has her motherly tone to me; she has been talking these past two days about me being tired because of my promotions – her talking has made me tired during the day, but right now I am indeed tired. “Hannah, I’ll tell the manager you’re going to the hotel,” Maria tells me, “You look like you have a fever.” Her hand is suddenly put on my forehead and I am fast to lean back. “Maria-” “Hush, baby,” she cuts me off, quickly standing up to put one hand on my forehead and the other at the back of my head so I can’t slide away. “Ya, I think you have a fever.” “Don’t be silly-” “I’m not being silly,” Maria mutters and turns her head away, “Oppa, feel if she has a fever.” Stylist Yong Hyun steps up to lean his hand over on my forehead when Maria removes hers, but she keeps the other hand on the back of my head – she doesn’t trust me. And she is right, I remove their hands though. “You got yourself some fever, honey,” Yong Hyun tells me, confirming what Maria believed. “I don’t-” “You’re going back to the hotel,” Maria cuts me off again. I sigh, knowing there is no need to try talk. I am hungry though, so while Maria walk around informing everyone that I am not coming with them (she tells everyone so I can’t trick anyone into coming along) and before I know it, I am sent back to the hotel. My manager helps me get some room service before leaving me alone, but when the food arrives in my room I am not hungry. I feel dizzy and tired, and after washing up I fall asleep on top of the bed with just the blanket over me, fully clothed. I sleep deeply throughout the whole night; no one wakes me up until morning when Manager Lee comes. I lie still in bed when he comes inside; since I am dressed he is allowed inside. “Didn’t you eat anything?” he asks when seeing the food on the table left untouched. I am lying on my back, feeling like a corpse with a sore and tired body. I still have the cold I had earlier, it is coming back. “I brought medicine,” Manager Lee tells me and throws a bag on the bed. “Take it with the breakfast before we leave… How long will it take for you to get ready, Hannah?” A few seconds pass and when I don’t answer he turns around to look at me. “Hannah?” “Mm…” “You got a flight to catch, remember?” he sighs and I think he is moving my shoes on the floor. “Or do you want to miss your concert rehearsals in Osaka?” Osaka, that’s right… I am going to Osaka today, for the concert tonight. I groan loudly and long when I start moving my body on the bed, stretching all parts and moving back and forth. For the next twenty minutes, Manager Lee is in the way while I pack and wake up in the hotel room. I don’t think he does anything; he is just keeping an eye on me, standing in the way, and makes sure I take the medicine when I eat my breakfast. I have a fever and I am dizzy and my body is as tired as my mind. I hope it will be better once I’m at the concert rehearsals. The ladies are sleeping in their rooms; I don’t see them before I leave. I do think of sneaking inside all of their rooms just to tell I am leaving, but since I do have a fever, I better keep my distance which is why I decide to not visit their rooms. Going to the airport I am covering myself, feeling cold even if the rainy weather is very warm; a fashionable mask on my face that I always bring with me and a jacket to prepare for the Japan weather. It is still in the morning when we arrive at the airport in Shanghai; mostly businessmen and women are there, no one really takes notice of us when we go straight through security and the in-check, not waiting for too long before we can board the flight. I fall asleep as soon as we take off. I dream of my concert, of the fans in Osaka leaving midway because they are disappointed in my performance. In my dream my voice keeps cracking and I keep messing up the choreography, I even fall off the stage before I am back on the stage performing helplessly to the backs of my fans leaving the venue. It’s the worst nightmare to have before a concert. For the last hour of the flight I am just staring out the window. Sleeping on the flight is usually the most comfortable way to sleep on the list after my own bed, beside from today. The fever is probably the reason for my nightmare, frightening me unnecessarily, but since it was just a nightmare I don’t focus on it when we land, instead I focus on the actual concert; for the concerts in Japan I will perform a few of my songs in Japanese, so when getting off the flight I am listening to the Japanese versions of those songs in one ear while the other ear is listening to my surrounding to make sure I know where I am going. Straight off to rehearsals. Arriving at the concert venue I walk around greeting the staff first, both he usual concert staff and the Japanese staff for the Osaka concert. Reaching my dressing-room backstage, a camera is filming me in there, completely surprising me but without wearing makeup I am still hiding under the mask so I am kind of safe from looking horrible. “Oh, good morning,” I greet with a bow. Manager Lee walks by behind me, inside the room, completely not caring about the camera he walks by; maybe because it is focused on me. “Good morning,” the camera-woman greets me back. She is filming for my DVD; I know her. She doesn’t even have to tell me what to do; I know she wants me to talk. “I just came from the airport,” I say and hold my hand over the mask covering my mouth. “Which is why I look like this … Right now we are in Osaka, and we will prepare for the concert rehearsal soon.” I throw my bag on the chair while saying where we are and then I nod at the woman; it takes a second before she nods back and steps aside. We prepare for rehearsals, I talk to my stylists and I have my dancers stopping by and then, we head out to the stage. The medicine is working, I am dizzy and I have caught the flu so I am far from feeling good, but better than in the morning and once rehearsals starts, I know my voice is alright and for as long as my voice is alright – I can do my concert well. Throughout the rehearsal though, I lean a lot of my dancers. Not by letting them work a lot, no, I hold on to their arms and rest between the songs when we are talking or checking something. No one seems to mind, I have Min Na wrapping her arms around me too at times, and so we all seem very cosy today, walking around leaning on each other. The day passes by quickly. As soon as rehearsal ends – without problems – I head backstage with the camera following behind me. “Rehearsals have ended and I am heading to get my hair and makeup done now,” I say for the camera, “And I have had my stylist already scolding me for hiding behind the mask all morning because my skin doesn’t like it…” I look at the woman, “I need to wash my face and put on cream before getting makeup done.” In front of me I point at Chae Hwan’s back. “That’s my stylist who was not pleased with the mask,” I inform the camera, teasing Chae Hwan, “She is avoiding the camera right now…” I go to the bathroom first to wash my face before going back to my dressing-room where I put on the caring cream lotion with the camera filming behind me, catching my mirror-reflection. “What cream do you use?” the camera-woman asks me when I’m not talking. “Um… it is a moisturising cream that I always use before putting on makeup,” I answer, putting the cream away before sitting down on the chair, “I have used a lot of different creams, but my skin is pretty sensitive…” “Really sensitive,” Chae Hwan corrects and tilts my head back as she gets up in front of me, preparing to transform me. I smile at her tone. She sounds older when she is serious. “It takes time to find a product that works without drying out my skin or making it oily,” I explain to the camera-woman, “But this cream works for me now… so … yes…” I get to stop speaking as Chae Hwan starts working, but the camera-woman asks me what necessaries I bring with me to concerts and work abroad, things that I use to take care of myself. I have to think of that, just to say it is this cream, hand cream, my makeup back is small but filled with BB-cream, mascara and other makeup products. “When it comes to makeup I rely on my stylists,” I admit, smiling at Chae Hwan who is smiling while I’m talking too. I can talk while she puts on my makeup; it just creates some pauses when I speak. “I don’t wear makeup on my free time so when working abroad I don’t take much with me because I have this lady doing it for me.” “I bring a lot of makeup with me,” Chae Hwan confesses and I turn my smile to the camera-woman in the mirror-reflection. “As her makeup stylist, what do you say about Hannah’s beauty tricks?” Chae Hwan focuses on my makeup while taking her time to think of what to answer, especially when I tell her to not rush. “Hannah is very simple. She likes fast and simple tricks, like the cream she uses; she only uses that cream to take care of skin and nothing else.” “Chae Hwan wants to go through everything I own, it is her wish to throw away things and add her own recommended products,” I add on and Chae Hwan nods with a lot of pride in her own recommended products. “It’s nothing wrong with the cream though,” she tells me, “It’s a good one.” “It’s cheap too,” I add with a large smile before laughing. “That’s what she doesn’t like.” I point at my stylist for that, she has said many times that the cream I use is alright but it is a cheap one which means it isn’t that good. Chae Hwan says that if you want to take care of yourself, you need the expensive things; when fixing nails, when treating your hair, when wanting to have a smooth and healthy skin; expensive products can do it all. We continue to talk about beauty, going from makeup to hair and nails. I show off my nails that we fix for the concert too, and I explain that I use these press-on nails and always have a few with me in their own tiny bag (the size of my hand) because I like fixing my nails and that is what I do when I get my hair done. After hair and makeup, I change clothes too, and I show my clothes for the camera and Manager Kawayama comes too, both for work with me during my days in Japan and to see the concert as her work doesn’t begin until after the concert. As I am ready from top to toe, I feel better. My head is dull and slightly dizzy when I stand still, but over all that I feel ready for the concert. I am slightly surprised because rehearsals went well, and now when I am done I head out to a room to meet my fans who have their VIP cards before the press conference and the concert. Meeting my fans in Osaka, they are all lovely. The usual questions are asked; if I am staying healthy, they want to know about 5 Pieces, they are excited about the concert, if I will promote in Japan, saying they miss me, I get to hug them and we take pictures and I sign pictures and albums and whatnot and we just talk. A few of them ask how I am doing because somehow they know I was sick recently and that they saw pictures from the airport, wondering if I am tired and so on. “I got a fever last night actually,” I tell them and I smile widely at their reactions, “It’s just a fever though… I have my manager giving me medicine so I am feeling well.” “Are you sleeping a lot too? it is important to sleep,” a girl asks; as if I am not taking care of myself and I think my fans know me, so they maybe just want to be sure. I like that I can talk to them and let them know that I have caught the flu but still assure them that I am alright and as excited as them for the concert. “I slept a lot,” I answer, “That’s probably why I looked bad at the airport – I slept on the flight too. But enough about that, how are all of you doing? Sleeping and eating enough? Have you eaten okonomiyaki this week?” They laugh at my last question and two actually raise their hands saying they ate it for lunch, so I raise my hand for a high-five with them. “I actually had it for lunch too,” I say, “Osaka has the best okonomiyaki.” “Which type of okonomiyaki does you like the most?” “I like the ones with meat,” I admit. “You love meat,” a fan giggle. They know me well. We talk and take some selfies before I have to go for the press conference. ++ - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -+ - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -+ - + - ++ The concert in Osaka is beautiful. That’s the only word I use, I repeat it to my crew that