A light gray-blue set, simple from top to toe with bright lights directed to it and a camera crew moving while the set is blasting out a new song. The focus isn’t on the set though; it’s on me. Dressed in a soft, tailored strappy front slip dress with sheer lace inserts and a fit and flare silhouette, I must look like a fairy matching the background in French blue. In high heels I feel tall and daring, and with my chestnut brown hair being a slight mess I feel like I can go a bit crazy as the director is asking of me. My makeup is natural with colours like brown and bronze, no strong colours at all, but the director keeps saying I look fierce without so much makeup. Filming a music video is always awkward to a certain level where you have to move around and look “perfect” for the concept, but I am not allowed to do the choreography. A dance song whose steps I have practiced for three months needs to be danced to. That’s why I follow the directives from the director, the camera moves around to film up close or from afar as I just keep my eyes on the camera and move around, the director saying if I do well or not. Over the music I can hear his words next to the moving camera; a camera-man is holding the camera while the director has a hand on it to direct it around. According to the director it gives a mysterious sense of the video by filming it in different angles like this, and since we have talked during meetings I believe him. I am at the set of [NEW ME] music video, it’s the first scene the first day, and I am not wearing a bra under the dress. It looks great, but I am not used to work without having something supporting my s. Chae Hwan gave me a compliment though so by knowing she is standing a bit on the side watching the filming, I am confident in the way I look. Since the album is named NEW ME, the song is named NEW ME and my concert is called NEW ME – I really have to get a new personal view of myself – which includes being strong and believing in the way I look, with and without clothes. Maria is good at it; I’m still struggling on the inside. It’s not much being done with that outfit. One set, I move around for a few takes, we shoot it different and before I know, I am changing into the next outfit. Smoky eyes added, a little more bronze on my cheeks and lipstick, we add some bracelets and I get dressed in a burgundy floral and geo patterned lace skirt set; sheer below-the-knee pencil silhouette features a high waist, mini underskirt to a boxy short sleeve crop top that has very flattering lines with a cinched waist. Both pieces are amazing, showing off my body completely different from any dress just because it is two-pieces. On my feet I wear a pair of black pointy toe suede booties with contrast stitching on the sides, and wedge heels around 8cm high. The outfit is tight and y, and the boots is just finishing the whole look – it’s the kind of outfit you just wear for one thing, it looks the best, but you don’t wear it again. Approaching the set to pretty much do the same thing again but with a different outfit, I cutely shape my hands around my face when passing by some making-of camera and I smile widely at the woman filming. “What’s it for?” I ask on the after hand, smiling wider when some staff further away laugh since I acted cute first and then asked the question. “The DVD, making of the video,” the woman answer me. “Ah… should I do it again?” I suggest, laughing at my self for probably ruining something by asking what it’s for. She nods happily and I hurry back to her other side to redo the cute motion and instead of asking what she is filming for this time, I say; “This is the set for my new music video … [NEW ME]. I hope you enjoy it.” It’s what people always say for the making of a video, and I smile at the woman holding the camera before I head to continue the filming. Emelia is here too, she came on her own in the morning before the filming had started but most of the time she is sitting with a tablet playing games. “Y!” she calls out when I stand ready on the set in the burgundy outfit. I put a hand on my hip and pout out my lips at her comment, hearing Emelia cheer some more along with Yong Hyun while the staff laughs at us fooling around a bit. I’m happy she is here, not leaving me alone, and each time we look through what we just filmed she is right next to me glancing over my shoulder. In the burgundy outfit I am ier, the director tells me at first to put more focus on being y, so I keep shifting my weight from left to right to show off my hip and my movements are completely different since the dress is different. After filming several takes of just moving around, I am joined by some of the dancers to fill out the set a bit. We don’t dance, we just look cool together and having fun to the music. I sit down to watch through the takes we have taken in the burgundy outfit, Emelia standing behind me along with the dancers, the director sitting next to me and the woman filming for the DVD is filming us all watching the laptop screen. “It’s impressive,” the director points out for me, “You looked fierce in the first outfit, but here you are just stunningly y.” I smile at the woman, embarrassed that he says it while being filmed for the DVD. The director gives us all some directives before we do it all over again. The day goes by too quick though. It takes time filming a music video, we will be continuing for three days, and the first day is incredible. I’m super excited, smiling a lot because it’s embarrassing to film a “y” music video, but the director gives a lot of good words to help me out and I have Emelia next to me helping out too. Tiger is in the dressing-room all day, during a break I let her run around crazy because she goes too crazy if I don’t. Just playing with her so she won’t get too crazy running around. Kyung Ho comes after school to play with Tiger, the camera crew for Good Sister are still filming us until the evening today so they have fun filming Kyung Ho arrive at the set and see what I do for a living. It’s not like Kyung Ho hasn’t been at a music video filming before, but I think the filming crew likes how he is behaving in my environment. I don’t see much a difference, he is as bright and talkative as usual, curious and interested in everything, but Yong Hyun points out that he is much more polite and aware to not be in the way. “He reminds me of you,” Yong Hyun comments and smiles widely at me. He is making sure my dress is right for the next take while we are glancing over at Kyung Ho who is sitting with Emelia playing games. I look at Yong Hyun when he puts my hair over my shoulder. “The way he tries to not be in the way, exactly like you.” “Okay, okay,” I smile and take a step away. “Do I look ready?” “Absolutely perfect,” he says in a funny tone and I reach my tongue out at him with a laugh. We continue to work for a few more hours before wrapping up the first day. The camera crew for Good Sister has left and they will be back at the end of the week to film for the next episodes, while Kyung Ho will be sleeping at our place the whole week. Imagine if he is thrilled for that. Changing from the day’s outfits I pull on a navy blue cotton print sweatshirt and sweatpants, my face and hair styled but my body looks like I am having a day at home. It’s cosy and I am hugging on to Kyung Ho when heading out. “Let’s go home and sleep,” I tell him. “Are you tired?” Kyung Ho wonders, glancing up at me. I put my hand on his hood to make him look down again. “I’m exhausted,” I admit with a sigh. Outside there is a light snow falling from the black sky, its cold and the asphalt is slippery so with the first step Kyung Ho almost falls on his – just almost, since we are holding on to each other. I start laughing so hard and Emelia turns around in front of us, laughing too when asking if someone slipped. The way to the van is hilarious; Emelia’s heel slips a bit so we laughs at her, then we hear something behind us and starts laughing so much at Manager Lee looking like he is going down in a split. “Having a little trouble over there?” Emelia teases. I laugh and tell Kyung Ho to get to the van when Yong Hyun walks up next to Manager Lee, linking arms and asking if he needs some help in this overly helpful tone that is not a tone you use around children. It’s not much I do when coming home other than washing up, play some with Tiger and Kyung Ho, and then I go to bed to get some sleep before I will have to get up and continue filming. Just as I’m about to fall asleep, my phone rings. Groaning, my body and mind already asleep, I answer the call with a grunting ‘mm?’. Someone laughing on the other side makes me frown and roll around. “Did I wake you up?” “No, no, no, no,” I quickly say while shaking my head and I sit up. I have butterflies in my stomach all of a sudden. “I just went to bed, you… um… aren’t you working?” It’s half past one in the morning – his radio doesn’t end in until half an hour from now.  “A quick bathroom break during songs and commercial,” Jonghyun answers in a soft tone, “I just wanted to … talk, a bit, see how you’re doing. How is the comeback practice going?” Automatically I smile at the question. “I’m filming the music video. First day completed.” I can’t hide the excitement in my own voice as I think about the day, and I lie back down in bed with a huge smile in my face. “Oh, really?” He sounds honestly surprised, “I would love to see how it’s going… Would it be bad of me to ask for an update tomorrow?” “Are you curious?” I giggle. “Of course I am. You wanted updates when I filmed my video,” Jonghyun chuckles. “But promise to keep me updated, I’m curious of how the new you will be like.” “It’s y,” I comment out of the blue, and as soon as I have said it I ask myself why I mention that. “It’s no problem then, you are effortlessly y.” Are we flirting with each other? I think we are… “I have to go back to my radio,” Jonghyun says. “Sleep well, Nabi.” I open my mouth to tell him to drive home safely, but the words get stuck in my throat and we hang up without another word. He called me Nabi… He hasn’t done that for a month. Why? Because we have broken up, he isn’t supposed to talk to me like that… Or is he? I have no idea. But he said it so naturally, as if every time we talk we forget that we have broken up – Jonghyun is like that too, right, it’s not just me? Instead of falling asleep, I put earphones in my phone and connect to his radio, listening to his last half hour. When his radio ends, I send a text message; ‘drive home safely now’. Jonghyun: ‘you are supposed to sleep?’ Hannah: ‘Someone disturbed my sleep ;)’ Jonghyun: ‘that someone meaning me? Kkk you said you had just gone to bed, sorry for disturbing your mood ;) get some sleep now and keep me updated tomorrow, okay?’ Hannah: ‘Are you getting home safely then? You need some sleep too, your voice sounds tired at the end of your show ;)’ Jonghyun: ‘Seatbelt on and driving carefully, you know me. And lady, are you listening to my radio? How did I do, did you enjoy listening to my voice?’ Hannah: ‘Goodnight Jonghyun, sleep well ^^,’ I miss him a lot. Texting each other is fun, it’s getting less awkward the more we do it, but there is this feeling through my whole body when talking to him – I miss him. I don’t want to be his friend, I mean, of course I want to be his friend but I want to be more than just friends. Jonghyun: ‘I guess you liked it then ;) I’ll rest my voice for tomorrow’s show, though it won’t be easy since I am a very busy artist these days. Sleep well, Hannah, and good luck on the filming’ By now I don’t even remember what I did wrong with us. Trust and faith… Love… Yeah, I’m not the girlfriend-type, that’s why. ++ - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -+ - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + - + -+ - + - ++ Hannah: ‘Did I mention that I really like the outfits for the filming? ;) It’s as simple as my style’ I can’t help but to send Jonghyun a picture to keep him updated, a picture of me in the two piece tiny outfit; a cropped top and black mini dress, both fitting and the skirt has a wide lace trim at the end. The outfit is stretchy and I cover myself under a white leather jacket that Yong Hyun is rolling up the sleeves on while we walk to the set. The walk is a little unbalanced because of the 12cm heels on my feet, but they are a pair of gorgeous buckled lace-up ankle boots. They are surprisingly comfortable to wear, and I have already told Yong Hyun that I want to wear these for the live performances too. The set is made for dancing today, dark shades all over the place but with lamps shining up parts of it. Extremely simple, your typical SM Entertainment dance set. I think it’s supposed to look a bit futuristic with the squares covering the back wall. At first when I walk up on the set and turn around I jokingly hold out my hands, because it feels quite majestic to stand with this futuristic set behind me but in front of me the staff is just smiling, working and preparing the camera and lights. “Keep having fun you,” the director jokes back at me, waving his hand, “It’s your video, after all.” The smile on my face must give me away because he laughs and say I am too cute when the cameras aren’t rolling. I get embarrassed at his words, a bit shy, but let it slide thanks to the arrival of my dancers coming up to join me. Dance teacher and choreographer Kim Ji Hwa walks up in front of us to make us do something useful before the filming; practice the choreography for [NEW ME]. But it’s my video. Even the director said it, printing it into my head as this is the music video for MY solo album. Again I smile like an idiot, looking at the dancers around me until I can’t help myself from laughing out of happiness – I am going to release my own album! “What?” Min Na laughs next to me and I squat down to just laugh by myself. I’m happy to release a solo album; fans have showed excitement for what songs it will be, what the concert will turn out like and looking forward to the promotions, and I am so excited to meet them in almost two weeks for the first concert, followed by the solo comeback on music programs. My laughter is joined by Emelia’s, and I smile over at her as she knows I can go a bit crazy laughing out of the blue. The crew that I work with knows it too; 5 Pieces have episodes where we just start laughing, at times laughing until we can’t stand up or we are crying. I don’t do that now; I just look at my childhood friend with the brightest smile that is hurting my cheeks. I’m happy for having a solo album, its weird doing it without my members, but I’m thankful for getting the chance, and for having the agency putting so much faith on me means a lot. And I’m happy Emelia is here today too, I am always happy for that. Behind Emelia I see someone else, someone who laughs with me, and I start laughing again hearing and seeing Maria. “The crazy girls have arrived,” a dancer points out and I lower my head. We are crazy, both together and apart. Maria has had her solo album, she mentioned it last night when we came home, talking about the joy in getting to do something on your own but also having a pressure to do well because we are still 5 Pieces. “I wanna see the same iness you showed Emelia yesterday, but ier,” Maria points out for me when we are about to start filming. “Can you do that?” Shiwon teases next to me. I am smiling too much to even know how to be y, too happy to think I can do this well, but with my eyes focused on Maria, I am nodding at her in response and Shiwon chuckles. “Are we ready?” the director ask me. “Yes!” I answer loudl