Yesterday was mostly spent at home and going on meetings instead of practicing for the SM Town concert, while today we are going to Japan. I am satisfied with how much time I got to spend at home yesterday, while today I am facing more struggles as we arrive at the airport. My hands are still bandaged. Doctor Song is coming with us to Japan as part of the crew, to make sure I don’t use my hands and that my hands will keep healing as they should. To cover my hands at the airport I am wearing a cardigan with sleeves long enough to cover my hands (which most of my cardigans do as I like the big type but now I have told myself to not reveal more than the tip of my fingers to not have articles written) even if it is a hot summer day where my friends are in short sleeves and dresses. “It will go well,” Maria is reassuring me another time, nodding at her own words when we get out of the van. The worst part about travelling with SM Town is the airports, because it is always crowded with reporters and fans. Travelling with 5 Pieces bring fans to airports, but now I’m not even out the van before pictures are being taken by reporters. Fans take pictures too but you can spot the reporters easily. With my arm supporting me out of the van, Maria stands in front of me, stretching her back and yawning. “Where’s your bag?” she asks me, not seeing it on the seat. I get down from the van and turn my back a bit towards her, showing the backpack I wear. I would’ve wanted a different bag to have hanging on my shoulder but since I can’t actually hold it, I am wearing a backpack to not have to worry. Maria nods when knowing I have the bag with me and she turns around to link her arm with mine and we face the entrance of the airport, surrounded by a few reporters. I sigh deeply when we start walking, Maria Long-Leg and Hannah Short-Leg. I’m happy she wore sneakers today; though she is taller it does not make me feel like a hobbit if she too is in sneakers. “We will have time to go to the dorm first, right?” Maria asks us, looking behind us at Manager Kim coming with us. “That’s a good question,” she answers and Maria laughs towards me, making me smile. “If there aren’t any delays we can go to the dorm first.” “You hear that baby? We might have time to unpack before rehearsals,” Maria tells me, hugging on to my arm. Getting inside the airport I wish it was winter so I could wear mittens because the crowd inside is ridiculous. The airport crew has created a path in the airport as if we are attending an event on the airport, for reporters to line up behind the fence and take pictures of the SM Town artists coming through today. With Maria’s arm linked with mine the two of us are focusing on reaching our goal when walking through this. “Look here please!” reporters call out. They call out for Maria to show her bag, for Emelia to show something but I can’t hear what. It is all about airport fashion, where I am not the fashionista among us so my name is only called out for reporters not wanting to get just my profile. But that’s all they get. Maria’s fashion point is her ripped jeans though. They are loose boyfriend jeans and she has cut the leg to show her ankles, which looks absolutely amazing on her long legs and bare feet in the sneakers. She is wearing a simple tank top to that, and I know she will wear a cropped top during rehearsals later – as she went through with me when we were packing for what to wear. The road from the van to the airplane has never been tougher though as when going through security and all that, I need to use my hands. I do things in slow motion to make sure I don’t do any sudden movements and I have Julia laughing lightly behind me while Maria asks if I need any help. I don’t need any help, though Maria ends up helping me to put on the backpack once we are through security. We walk through the duty free and head straight to the airplane, being among the last ones arriving I can honestly say that not using my hands is the most annoying experience in my life. Hurting one hand is quite alright, but not using both your hands? It’s honestly dreadful. Even putting on a seatbelt is a no-no for me, so once the airplane is moving I decide to do absolutely nothing. I don’t listen to music, I don’t read, I don’t write, I don’t eat – I just sit and stare out the window for two hours. Tokyo is hot and rainy, making us run outside to get to the van without umbrellas and then we run from the van to the dorm. We are there for about half an hour to settle in before we head to SM TOWN in Tokyo Dome, the rehearsals D-1. “Is THAT what is it!” Julia laughs loudly, clapping her hands happily while chatting with Mi Young in our dressing-room. I keep hearing them chat and chat as if that is what we are here for, I find myself smiling a few times just because I hear snippets of their conversation. “Hannah and Carolina will rehearse [Bittersweet] first,” Manager Kawayama has joined us at the Tokyo Dome, ready with the schedule as she has been here for a while and the reason she tells us we will be up first to rehearse in this group, is to prepare us that we will have to go to the stage soon. Carolina repeats the name of our song and I guess she knows we are up. “What will she do with the microphone?” Carolina then asks and points over at me, looking at our managers and Doctor Song, speaking in Korean unlike Manager Kawayama. The microphone. That is my problem for the concert, how am I supposed to perform and hold a microphone in my hands that I can’t really use? “We’ll see how it goes with [Bittersweet],” Manager Kim says what we decided earlier. Since [Bittersweet] is a ballad, all I have to do is hold the microphone by my lips and depending on how that goes we’ll see what we’ll do for the other songs I will perform. In my cardigan hiding my hands, I start to go to the stage before Carolina as she takes her time. I’m the type who is told “we’ll soon go to the stage” and I drop everything to head straight to the stage, so I tend to be the fast one. By arriving before Carolina and before it is our turn I get to greet the staff and see Ana.N stealing a walk on the large Tokyo Dome stage. I stay on the stairs on the side to watch her, hearing her talk to her manager about her performances and while she is talking work, I can imagine her seeing herself on this stage performing for all of SM Town’s fans. I tend to do the same. Though I see her come my way to come down when the staff announces the rehearsals will continue, I don’t step away from the stairs. I wait for her to spot me before I back down the two steps. Ana looks beautiful today. Her face is fresh and pretty and her hair has been cut short and is not dark and luscious anymore, it is blonde. It looks really nice on her, a lot different but very nice. Maybe I could ask her to style my hair some day. “Hannah!” Ana bursts out, jogging to the stairs to hurry down the steps, almost falling in her hurry. “Are you alright? Texting isn’t fair, I didn’t understand a thing.” It’s not me she greets; it’s my hands she focuses on. She holds lightly on to my hand to look at it, gaping when seeing the bandage. “Does it hurt a lot?” I guess I am in a tiny shock because of her reaction; first she ran to me, taking my hand in hers, and then she looks me in the eye to ask if it hurts a lot. Even holding my breath, I realise, because when the shock lies down I laugh out in a breath. “It doesn’t hurt,” I answer with a smile. Ana makes a grimace as if her own hands hurt. “You’ll perform like this then?” “Anna, you’re here!” Maria cheerfully interrupts me from answering. Maria steps up to us to give Ana a hug; like always saying her name with a Swedish pronouncing. “Have you done your rehearsal already?” “Not yet,” Ana shakes her head. “I have done one song.” “I caught her admiring the stage a minute ago,” I point out for Maria. Ana laughs. “You saw that? But it’s quite large, don’t you think?” “It’s Tokyo Dome,” Maria tells her, having a diva-look in her face, “It is always large and wonderful.” While talking Carolina comes over to us and I get my microphone pack – which I just put in my pocket after testing if it’s working – and the two of us head up on the stage to begin our rehearsal. We go through where to walk up, when to walk up, where to be during the performance. Holding the microphone is alright, I don’t have a problem at all with it as long as I don’t change the hand suddenly. The reason Maria had arrived by the stage was to see how I would do. She wanted to know if my hands would be a problem, and she looks satisfied when I see her halfway through the song. But I know, the small pain in my hands will not be better when we add choreography to the next performance I will do. I plan on hiding the pain, not wanting to ruin our stage for tomorrow’s concert. The rest of the day is pretty much the same. Backstage I am overjoyed to meet our colleagues and friends, there is too much questions about my hands but it doesn’t ruin my mood until we are on the stage and I do my best to do the choreography without moving my hands too much. Holding a microphone in hand or not doesn’t seem to make a difference as it is the choreographies that bother me the most, with the movements… Whatever I said about my hands, no one at Tokyo Dome cares during rehearsals so after a few hours there I have removed the cardigan (as it’s too hot to wear it for a longer period) and I am just in the mess of friends chatting and laughing at that time, no one caring about my hands. In fact, even if I have bandage on both hands, people forget it when we talk. Like Maria asks me to get something for her, Taeyeon suggests I try her shoes (I can’t use my hands to put on shoes on my own), it’s all very silly but I don’t mind. The best part about having a concert with SM Town is the friends. People we rarely meet unless our schedules overlap. I was quiet and polite the first hour but then I meet Taeyeon and Amber, and from then on my smile is plastered on my face. When Super Junior’s Donghae asked me about my hands I kept smiling and saying it is nothing. Eunhyuk made a joke saying I can still beat Taemin in arm-wrestling even if my hands are like this – which I don’t understand but still laughs to as Taemin was just walking by, so I guess that was why Eunhyuk brought it up. Taemin said that he will have another rematch once my hands are healed. Today is just rehearsals and never-ending chatting backstage, but for some reason I barely get to see Jonghyun. Well, I stand with him for an hour, then spot him from a distance a few times but it isn’t even half of how much I meet other friends – not that it means a lot as we have three concerts days coming up. So when leaving the dome to end the day, I don’t regret not seeing Jonghyun that much today. We have three more days coming. “What we need,” Maria starts to say when we are sitting down at the restaurant, four ladies, managers and three dancers from the Japanese crew, “What we need is some girl time.” I look up from my food, eating soup as it is the easiest thing to eat. Maria points at our Japanese friends. “Girl time, you know,” she says in English. “What do you mean with girl time?” I ask in Japanese as I know Maria understands my question and our Japanese friends understand what Maria means too, as she spoke Korean when bringing it up. “Like … some time with us girls; facials and cucumber on our eyes… And a hot bath…” Maria says, slowly dreaming away. “Let’s go to the hot springs,” Taniguchi Saito aka Gucci suggests in Japanese with a pout. “Hot springs?” they capture Carolina’s attention. Carolina nudges me on the side. “What are they saying about hot springs?” Manager Kawayama is talking when Carolina asks me so I am quietly listening to our manager, our dancer with Maria’s words in between. I nod after a while, aware of Carolina not keeping up and waiting for me to translate. “Who wants to go to the hot springs after tomorrow’s concert?” I ask Carolina, summing up what the others have come up with. “Not tomorrow,” Maria waves her hand at me from across the table, “On Monday. After wrapping up the concert-” “We have company dinner,” I remind her. “Oh…” “What is the troubled look for?” Gucci asks us, not understanding the Korean language. I tell her that we have company dinner on Monday and tomorrow is not a good day to go to the hot springs. “Let’s do it in Hiroshima next weekend then,” Hanako simply suggests with a shrug of her shoulder. “We can bring the whole crew and make it a group activity.” As the translator I have become, I tell those not speaking Japanese that we can do it in Hiroshima at our arena tour next weekend, which I personally find as a brilliant idea. Maria seems to think so too as she raises her fist to share a bro-fist with Hanako. We keep planning next weekend’s group activity and even start looking online for a good hot springs in Hiroshima, or bath place, I don’t keep up with them as I don’t use my phone these days. But just as I think that I have my phone soundlessly in my pocket, it starts vibrating. I ignore it at first, but then I remember it can be Kyungho or Jonghyun and I am fast to lift my arm towards Carolina. “Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!” I hurriedly says while bouncing, making my friends laugh while I don’t want to miss the call depending on who it is. Carolina is about to give me the phone, without pressing green, which makes me sad because I can’t press it that fast, but before I get the phone, a hand stretches over and snatches it from Carolina’s hand. Maria sits down with the phone by her ear in a flash. “What do you want during our precious girl time?” she asks in a strict yet joking tone, and I am frozen as if I could hear who she talks to on the phone. For Maria to have that tone, I imagine it is Jonghyun she talks to. Or Manager Lee. It is a high chance it is Manager Lee based on Maria’s tone. “Fine. But she’s mine, Jonghyun, don’t forget that.” I hold out my hand when she says his name and I smile at the words she tells him before she hands me the phone. “It’s Mr Hannah,” she winks at me. I take the phone to my ear, not sure how I hold it but it isn’t falling so it works. “Hello?” I quietly say. “She is saying Mr Hannah again,” Jonghyun’s charming voice is clearly heard in my ear and I put my free hand to my mouth, glancing at Maria with my cheeks changing colour. I saw him maybe two hours ago, yet his voice has this effect on me. “What are you doing?” “We’re having dinner,” I kindly answer, turning towards the wall as the others continue to talk to each other. “What about you?” “I’m at the dorm, alone. It’s boring.” “Where are the others?” I ask, poking the wall with my finger. “Out, meeting friends.” “And you’re not, because…?” I quietly ask. “Speak up, lady!” Maria bursts out across the table. “He won’t hear you if you don’t speak up!” I laugh at her outburst and Maria is smiling, and Jonghyun tells Maria through the phone (though only I hear) that he can hear me and that is all that matters. “You want me to come over?” I ask Jonghyun. “Come over where?” Maria joins in. I sigh and give her a look. She wanted me to speak up so she could hear the conversation. “Are you going to stay out for long?” Jonghyun asks. “Are we going to stay out for long?” I ask my friends. “Where do you want to meet him?” Maria asks me, seeming suspicious. “I can … go to his dorm?” I hesitate a bit, frowning when looking at my friend’s suspiciousness. Maria starts shaking her head just as Jonghyun asks what my friends are saying. “Why not?” I ask Maria, hearing Jonghyun repeat his question. “What if you’re caught?” Maria asks. Oh right… “Maria says we can get caught so I can’t come to the dorm,” I tell Jonghyun. Imagine the scandal that would be; ‘girl-group member visit male idol’s dorm’. Manager Kawayama asks what we are talking about. “Hannah, let’s meet outside then. Ask the others if I can join you or something,” Jonghyun suggests. It’s really a hard thing to speak to Jonghyun, then ask Maria and then translate for Manager Kawayama, hear the responses around the table, talk to them and then tell Jonghyun. They would love it if he came out and joined us, meaning for Gucci that we can move on to a bar or somewhere to sit down with a drink – which Maria is all in for. While we finish up, pay and walk to a place nearby, Jonghyun has time to come too so we have just sat down and ordered the first round of drinks when he arrives. I can’t help but to call out for him to spot us – though I think he do because Maria, tall and blonde, is standing up asking who needs to go use the bathroom – and after calling out to Jonghyun, I start blushing and hide because our three dancers are starting to giggle at how happy I got. For the SM Town concerts we are performing with the Japanese dancers, just like for the arena tour because we are performing only Japanese songs. Jonghyun comes over to us, shining in a white cap to his newly dyed blonde hair, a black t-shirt and white jeans. He is stylish as always, completely flawless, and he shines even more when he greets our friends before sitting down next to me, his hand by my back while taking his seat. “Hi,” I shyly say with my eyes stuck on him. He is really shining. “Hi back on you,” he says with a bright smile before leaning in to kiss my cheek. “You look happy.” “She’s happy because you’re here,” Maria comments, still standing up, “Does anyone need to use the bathroom?” I stay seated no matter what, in dreamland because Jonghyun is here. For at least twenty minutes I barely get a full sentence out of me even when I am teased for suddenly getting shy and quiet with Jonghyun’s presence. It’s not a bad thing; I am just trying to melt in the months apart when sitting next to him like this, hearing him casually talking to the others around the table as if we always do this. For me, it is strange, but I must say the past months without him have indeed been stranger. This, right now, us drinking and chatting, feels more like returning to old patterns, it is something strange but I am comfortable with it – even if it gets messed up in my head, I end up nodding to myself saying I prefer the feeling when Jonghyun is here, rather than the one where we are apart. Jonghyun glances at me when Julia hands me a shot. Jonghyun didn’t want one, saying he can’t handle alcohol that well, but he has a big glass of beer that he has been drinking from. I glance back when seeing his eyes on the shot in my hand and he is seriously just shining today, smiling at me with white teeth. “What?” I quietly ask him. “At times you don’t drink alcohol, at other times you do drink alcohol,” Jonghyun comments with amusement in his tone, continuing to smile at me. It is the kind of comment that easily can upset one, while instead I see the smile in his face, how he puts his elbow on the table to rest his cheek on his hand, only looking at me. That’s why I just smile in response and raise the shot glass, looking at my friends doing the same. “To friendship!” Maria calls out in Japanese and we repeat her words before emptying the glasses. I grimace at the taste of the liquor after swallowing it just to start laughing seeing Jonghyun lean back with this really large smile in his face. “You two will forever be a mystery to me,” Gucci comments in Japanese from the seat next to Maria, sitting in front of me, putting down her empty shot glass. “Hannah-chan, I thought you were going to join the single ladies.” “Not anymore,” Jonghyun shakes his finger, speaking Japanese and his words makes us laugh and I push him lightly with my arm. He laughs too, but no one laughs as loudly as Maria. “Ya, Jonghyun, she is my best friend, so don’t be too happy just because you are back together,” Maria warns him then points at me, “You too, Hannah, you were mine first.” Just to not make her upset I hold out my hand for her, and Maria seems satisfied when giving me the lightest bro-fist over the table – a light one because she spots my bandage. “Yaya,” Maria randomly says in satisfaction and points at me again, then points at herself, back at me and herself again, making more around the table laugh at her determination to show we are the closest ones. It doesn’t take a lot of chatting until Emelia comes too. She has been meeting Ryo, the guitarist she is dating (she doesn’t personally call him her boyfriend so we tend to say they are dating because … they are), and she called a while ago asking if we are still out to come join us. Casually walking inside, the tall and pale Emelia next to the tall Ryo whose black hair has grown below his ears, wavy as if he is following the wet hair trend that Big Bang’s Taeyang kind of started. It suits him, I guess, it makes him look sick and feverish but I guess it works. The greetings are fun because Emelia walks around the table to greet pretty much everyone with handshakes and hugs, while Ryo just takes a seat after greeting the men politely and the rest of us with a nod. “Are you going to order some snacks?” Emelia asks as she takes a seat, just seeing the bottles and glasses on our table. “I want meat,” Maria suddenly says and looks around at us, then repeats it in Japanese as she said it in Korean. “Are you planning on staying out for long?” Manager Kawayama asks us in Japanese. Maria picks up her phone to see what time it is but shakes her head when seeing it. “We have time for some meat. What do they have here?” “What I mean,” Manager Kawayama starts to say but three other voices starts reading out the menu so I don’t hear the rest of her sentence. Not that I listen much either because Jonghyun asks me what is going on between Emelia and Ryo. I thought I had told him but again the memory of how our friendship and relationship has been the past few months hits me and I guess I haven’t told him that my childhood friend is dating this Japanese friend here. I lean in closer to quietly tell him briefly about Emelia and Ryo, smiling when Emelia leans forward to glance over at us (though she probably wonders why I am not joining in on the food talk than hearing from that distance what we we’re talking about). Looking back at Jonghyun, talking to him, I smile even wider because he looks like he hasn’t seen me in forever. “And that’s why they meet in private just the two of them,” I finish up in a low voice, knowing I smile happily when lifting my hands up as if I have told him a long story and need to finish it with arm movements. Jonghyun almost laughs at me. We keep talking, everyone around the long table, in small conversations most of the time and I don’t drink any more alcohol as I swift to water instead. Maria and I share a glass of water. Anyone who knows me will know I don’t do that. Food is nothing I share, especially not if you use your hands or drink it because I am picky with bacteria and such, but for some reason I let her drink from my glass without too much thoughts about it. Jonghyun comments it. He takes notice of a lot of things, I realise tonight, and I mention it is a rare occasion – Maria knows I am picky so when she first asked if he could take a sip of water from me, she also offered she could get another glass if I was uncomfortable with it. Even when drinking, she is considerate of others. It is actually a really great night. That I have hurt my hands is all in the past now (beside from the pain and that I can’t use them) and we are all chatting and cracking jokes in both Korean and Japanese for each other that the time seems to fly by. Manager Kawayama eventually says she is going home to sleep, and she does look tired after all this chatting and drinking that most of us decide to follow her. I am one of them, which means Jonghyun is coming too. Like always when we decide to leave, I am the first one out. It’s raining but the bar we have been sitting at has a ceiling outside, so we can hide under there and wait for the others to come. Hanako comes outside with us first; standing with her leather jacket wrapped around her and talking to me in Japanese while Jonghyun puts his arms around me from behind, hugging on to my shoulders with his head