Friday is a mess of interviews and schedules at KBS for Music Bank while I am also practicing for the concert. During the day I went for rehearsals at the concert venue before I went to KBS for a performance and an interview for KBS World Radio Chat, which was like twenty minutes of an interview. While focusing on the concert, I am reminded of Jonghyun again: SM Entertainment calls my manager during the day, to tell me they are coming out with a statement to reveal our relationship has ended. Timing, that’s all I think of. I have my Seoul concert tomorrow, and SM Entertainment will reveal I am single before. I am frightened by the thought of how fans will be like at the concert, but then again; I have to show them that it doesn’t matter, I have to show that I am happy being single. I was happy being in a relationship too, but the agency will say we have decided to be just friends, so I have to be happy. And I am happy, am I not? Living my dream… “THIS IS HORRIBLE!” I groan loudly when I stomp through the corridor at the concert venue. “Not entirely horrible, no, but more like … a tiny catastrophe,” stylist Yong Hyun says and he shows me two fingers showing the amount when I give him a glare, “a tiny one.” “A large one,” I point out and walk inside my dressing-room. “Maria!” I give out a helpless whine at my leader who is enjoying the relaxing time in the sofa, not doing a thing while I am panicking. “What’s the problem now?” she sighs, looking up from her phone to look at me and Yong Hyun. I sit down with a pout on my chair. “It’s not a big problem,” Yong Hyun answers. “It’s huge!” I whine at him. “What is it then?” “Hannah, it’s not huge, it is one tiny mistake that will easily be fixed- Where the heck did your manager disappear to?” Yong Hyun sighs and puts down his bag on the table. “What the heck is the problem?” Maria repeats when we don’t explain anything. I groan loudly and kick my foot in the air. “The music isn’t working,” I pout, “Everything stopped working.” “A tiny mistake,” Yong Hyun repeats for Maria in a low voice but I am glaring at the floor because everything stopped working in the middle of rehearsals. The microphone worked, but not anything else. It all just shut down and the staff is looking into it. “Oh please, as if there isn’t always messing up,” Maria rolls her eyes, “Hannah, forget about it. The staff knows what they’re doing; put some faith in them, will ya? And Ji Young Oppa said he’s bringing something to eat. I’m hungry.” My pout grows as I know I have to do something about my relationship status being updated for the public, so Maria’s talk of food doesn’t rub off my annoyed mind. The rehearsals have been stopped because things don’t work and tomorrow morning my fans will know I am single. Will they put the blame on me again? Will my own fans boycott my concert, the same way they did when finding out I was in a relationship? Truth is that people react so differently. If I am in a relationship, I’m the bad guy – if I end that relationship, I am also a bad guy. I can’t satisfy people if every choice I make is the wrong one, it is part of what I have wanted to say with my album; I am doing it for me, it is all about being selfish and think about ME, not everyone else. It was Jonghyun and I who broke up, life will continue, right? {Twitter, 5P_HANNAH: I don’t know what to say. Our decisions are neither good nor bad, so let’s keep an open mind and keep ruthless comments to ourselves this time, alright?} Nothing has been said yet though. I am preparing myself for what will come. Comments and tweets are responding quickly, ‘what do you mean?’ is popular, no one understands anything and I leave my phone as rehearsals are said to be continuing. A simple cord is the one at fault for not giving us any sound during the rehearsal, but they got it going somehow. There is constantly something bugging me during the night’s rehearsals. There is constantly something wrong that is testing my nerves so it is great I have my dancers and Maria there to help me out; the dancers when we are on the stage starts grabbing on to my body out of nowhere, telling me to relax a bit and enjoy rehearsals instead of focusing on the details. Maria is of great help backstage, my staff is amazing. Their patience with me is incredible, but I have Manager Lee tell me that he is able to relax because I am stressed up about the concert enough for everyone else. Maybe that’s why I get so annoyed; everyone seems to be having such a good time during rehearsals, beside from me who is just stressing and panicking throughout the night. At three in the morning the rehearsals ends. I am stuck by my phone as the articles have started with the first one reading ‘The Lovely JjongHan Couple Revealed To Have Ended Their Relationship’. With that one article, more has followed for the last couple of hours and my tweet is mentioned in most of them as a message to fans to not get furious or decide that by breaking up we are disappointing our fans or making them happy or whatever. The thing that some fans have noticed is that on the night’s Sketchbook that aired, and some programs that aired earlier this week where the hosts kind of hinted about Jonghyun, they do say I am very naturally avoiding it and that it is not noticed that we have broken up when the programs were filmed – just because I handled it well. I am happy for that. The reaction about this breaking news: Fans are of course reacting differently, some wants a reason, and others don’t believe we have broken up, some expected it while others give annoying comments that I am ugly, that we didn’t look good together, just unnecessary simple comments. It’s better than expected though. Someone even wrote that as long as we are happy, it’s alright – the kind of comment I wished to receive. After rehearsals I head home. Three hours of sleep and then we head out for the final rehearsal. A Music Core rehearsal first before we head to the concert venue for the final rehearsal; we don’t have time for a dress rehearsal but reminding how it was at the concert in Busan we kind of know how to do. Saturday, 28th of February – D-Day for NEW ME concert in Seoul – which is the first day out of two, followed by Sunday’s concert that we will be filming for the DVD. Today is the day. My day is hectic. It doesn’t feel like today is the day because we rush through rehearsals for me to get dressed and ready for the press-conference, that is after lunch where I talk about how nervous and excited I am to have my own concert in Seoul, talking about the concert in Busan and how my promotions have been going, and each time anyone have wanted to bring up ANYTHING about Jonghyun, SHINee and boyfriends, I have apologized calmly and said I am not allowed to answer those questions. I have practiced it backstage with my members, because the way you answer those questions can be translated or misunderstood so I repeat the same words in the same tone for each time, to not let myself budge by the journalists. It’s all about acting for me, and after the press-conference I get praise by my crew for handling it well – Maria pretends to cry, saying her baby is all grown up now, making a scene backstage that I won’t need her anymore and she is actually making me laugh, which I thought I wouldn’t because I got upset from the press-conference. Then I head to Music Core, for one performance before my concert. At Music Core there are a lot of fans for other artists; my own fans are at the concert venue, waiting for my concert to begin. I can’t wait to head back to the concert, to do the concert, but I am also happy to perform at the music program. My dancers are practicing for not just [New Me] that we will perform at the music program but they are going through details of certain songs to the concert too. I am with them backstage, eyeing their movements and practicing with them until a staff member says it is our turn. My nervousness for the concert is coming out with a good mood now because we will perform. I love performing, I don’t stay nervous when I’m on the stage, singing and dancing. So when we get up on the stage, eyes of colleagues fans watching us, I am nervous all until my song begins to play. I think it is because I know what to do, I know where to look and how to move, how to sound – I know what I am doing when I am performing, therefore I am not nervous anymore. We have fun performing, for the music program we are charismatic and it feels like a warm-up for the concert. I have to remind myself of one thing though; for the music programs we have changed a line of the lyrics because it was seen inappropriate for broadcast, while for the concert we have practiced with the original version, which I hadn’t realised until we were backstage going through the song and I found myself singing the wrong line – good for me, I remember it during the chorus so for the next verse I think of doing the right line suited for broadcast, and I don’t mess anything up. Getting off the stage I laugh at Shiwon who is dancing his way off the stage. I think it is clearly seen for me that my crew is excited for tonight. Concerts are always special and they are fun because the whole venue will be filled with people knowing what we are singing and they are there because they want to see us. I love that. My own concert… It was doubtful whether I would stay for the ending or not; the decision to rush back to the concert venue or stay for another half hour but since I am here, I am nominated for first place, and we aren’t in too much of a rush so we decide to stay. It gives me the chance to talk to Amber, to squeal a bit in excitement that I am having my solo concert tonight – my mood is a lot better now. At the end of the music program we all gather on the stage for the ending. I stand next to Minho, the super MC at Music Core who said he will visit my concert tonight. Taemin said he would come to the rehearsals but he never showed: and I haven’t talked to Jonghyun. Minho is smiling when the ending starts, just because I lean a bit away from him to not have half my face in his MC screen. I am smiling too, but to the audience. It is always difficult to know who is here to see who, but I am too excited for my concert to really stop smiling. Compared to when I did the press-conference, I am now standing on a stage and I am happy with it. “Then this week’s winner will be…?” Minho says as the third place is shown, “This week’s #1 is Hannah! Congratulations!” With a silly smile I bow down in a ‘thank’, not knowing then that I bow out of the screen, but my manager will point it out for me later. They ask me to say a few words and Minho hands me his microphone. “Oh, first of all I want to thank SM Entertainment and Lee Sooman teacher…” I start off and I continue to thank the people I always mention, I keep it short and end with another bow after handing the microphone back to Minho. I am congratulated and I keep bowing to the people around me while the encore begins, but I don’t stay throughout the encore for the audience. The cameras are turned off in the beginning and half a minute later I have my manager stand on the side motioning for me to get off as we need to go to the concert venue. “Everyone,” I say in the microphone to the audience at Music Core, “thank you for coming to Music Core today, it was a lot of fun performing for you earlier and I am sorry for not completing the encore, but … I am going to have my solo concert so I have to go. I am really grateful for this.” I show them the trophy I hold in my hand. “Thank you so much,” I finish off with a deep bow. “I’m coming to the concert tomorrow!” someone in the audience calls out. “Good luck at the concert!” another one calls out so when I stand straight I smile widely and thanks them again, waving my hands heading off the stage. Backstage I say my goodbye to the staff, the juniors I walk by congratulate me on the win and Minho is getting ready to leave too. “I am coming to the concert!” he calls out to me over the corridor when I have already said goodbye to the MCs in their room as I walked by them. My smile is huge when I turn around, backing away from him. “Are you going alone?” I ask him. “I’m going with Taemin,” he laughs, “He has texted me saying he overslept, which is why he never showed up at your rehearsal. Tells me to tell you he is sorry.” “I can kick him when I see him,” I joke to Minho and we wave before I leave the corridor. In my room I change shoes, grab my things and we are out the building in a hurry. I am still holding the trophy in my hand when we leave so when going outside I wave it to the fans out there, whether they are my fans or not, I have absolutely no idea, but they cheer as they see the trophy. My head is lowered in a bow for them before I get in the van. Manager Lee closes the door after me and gets in at the passenger seat in front of mine while I have my stylists sit in the back. As soon as the door is closed I lean back with a big smile, closing my eyes. My eyes feel tired but the rest of me am ready for the concert. I am excited for it; I can’t wait for the concert to begin, to meet my fans again and to perform my songs for everyone. My members are already at the concert venue; they have been there most of the day, helping me out for the rehearsal and waiting to support me for the concert – like always, I trust my members. All of them are there beside from Carolina, who is in England filming. Arriving at the concert venue I don’t head straight to my room as I go around a bit to see how the stage is and making sure everything is prepared. My room is in calmness when I enter the room. My members, stylists and managers, Kyungho is there, Tiger has her place under the makeup table, Manager Lim’s wife is here as well as Julia’s mother, and while most of them are sitting down chatting and relaxing, I get ready by changing my clothes and transform for the concert. Wearing my black mini dress with lace details and getting my makeup checked, Yong Hyun is sitting in front of me on the makeup table talking about the fans outside. “Have you heard anything from you-know-who?” he quietly asks when Kyungho leaves the room with Emelia to go see if they can get any toys from the machine. I sit quiet for a few seconds, just to know who he means. I shake my head lightly, not giving more of an answer. I have gotten texts from Taemin saying he is here, members of SM Town are on their way and I have heard Emelia talk about friends coming to see the concert too; Jonghyun hasn’t said a word. I haven’t asked him to come either, we haven’t talked since his promotions ended and now when it has come out that we have broken up I’m not even sure if the agency would let him come. I am upset that he hasn’t contacted me; he always contacts me when headlines about us come out… “Have you tried calling him?” Yong Hyun asks me in a tone that says he knows I’m waiting for Jonghyun to contact me, not the other way around. Again I shake my head lightly, just to have Chae Hwan hold on to my chin firmly for me to be still. “Then you two are in the past?” he asks me more directly this time and I close my eyes to focus on the makeup – or I try to hold back my emotions to be shown too much. “What’s in the past?” Maria asks, stepping up next to me without having heard out conversation. “The ex,” Yong Hyun secretively says and though I don’t look at her I know Maria is grimacing. “That is indeed in the past!” she exclaims and pats my arm for my attention. “Baby, when we’re going abroad to promote the album, we will go out and we will get drunk and we will play out the single lives that we have- now when we all are single. We should do it while we can because I will get a boyfriend soon, during this summer.” I can’t help but to smile at our captain’s words because Maria has gone on and on and on about getting a boyfriend for so many years now that it only brings smiles to our faces now. I don’t doubt her, Maria could get any guy if she went for it; she just don’t go for it. I think she enjoys being single, the freedom it offers. For me … I’m not sure. “Let’s hook up with the hottest men this summer,” Maria tells me in English and I am fast to remove Chae Hwan’s hand before I burst out laughing. Maria claps her hands once though, filled with confidence while I am almost falling off my chair laughing. I don’