“No, it doesn’t change anything,” Jonghyun says. I blink at his answer. I didn’t expect him to answer one of my questions, and if he would I expected him to do it completely different. He should say it changes everything; that he can’t look at me the same way, but his expression hasn’t changed. The pair of eyes looking at me is the same. Did I mix up the language so he didn’t understand anything of what I just confessed to him? “I still love you.” “Jonghyun!” I burst out at his words. I grab on to my own face, turning away from him. “You can’t say that!” “Why not?” he asks, calm and collected. That makes me glare at him. “I just told you what you wanted to hear and you say you love me – no.” “Yes.” “Stop!” “I’m not stopping,” Jonghyun answers, his voice hard. “You know that I love you, even when fighting you know I love you and that won’t change. Why couldn’t you tell me this before? Why … why make me worry? Why make the ladies worry? Shouldn’t they know about this, aren’t they suspicious?” “They know I’m fragile,” I mumble, “They just don’t know how serious it is.” “How serious is it…?” Jonghyun whispers. I realise he is taken back at my words and I know I haven’t told him exactly EVERYTHING. About my mind playing pranks on me, about memory losses, about … that my body might fall and crumble and never get back up again if I work too much. “Not that serious,” I whisper back, staring down at the floor. I hate to lie. “Hannah-” “Are we done?” I ask in a loud voice, glancing at him. “I-I- I have to… go back.” “Hannah,” Jonghyun breathes out when I turn around to the door. My hand has just touched the doorknob when he embraces me from behind. I don’t think I have any strength to open the door. “Nothing has changed.” Nothing has changed. “I know,” I whisper, taking a deep breath. “Nothing has changed, Jonghyun.” I hate the tone I use when I say it, I hate myself for breaking him a little more when he realises what I mean. His hand makes a fist holding on to my cardigan, holding on to me tightly as if he will ignore my words. “Why?” he whispers. I barely hear it because he is pressing his face against my cardigan and hair. Why has nothing changed between us? Why can’t we be together? “I’m not girlfriend material,” I force out in answer. And he broke up with me. “I know.” Why is he so perfect? I want to turn around and cry in his arms, to beg him to never let go. “I need you,” Jonghyun whispers against my shoulder. “I’m selfish for it, but I need you, Hannah.” He needs me. And he is supposed to have said that everything changes with what I have told him, not say that nothing changes. He is supposed to look at me with that pitying expression I have ignored to face by not telling him, or did I do well by avoiding the seriousness? But if Jonghyun could sense there must’ve been something serious enough to have a private doctor in sight, what does my members’ think? They haven’t asked anything, they haven’t been curious to know why Doctor Song appears at my solo activities like this, while just like Jonghyun it is understandable at concerts. Do my ladies sense the same thing? And what am I supposed to do with the puppy wrapping his arms around me? “I have to go,” I whisper. Retreat is the word I use in my head, a word I am using against myself to not lean back on him. He looses his grip of me and I grab on to the doorknob with both my hands to open it, and when knowing he won’t hold on to me this time I get out of the room. Outside the room I see his stylists, and I look down when hurrying past them. I am not crying, right? No, I’m not crying. I am probably just looking horrible. I rush to my room, once I get inside I slow down my step to not be seen as a crazy person and I swallow, taking my seat in the sofa where Emelia and Kyung Ho are sitting with their tablets and I hug on to my pillow when looking around the room. Maria is looking questioning at me, but I don’t give her a response. All I can think of is Jonghyun, Jonghyun, Jonghyun, Jonghyun, and wonder what my members think of Doctor Song’s presence. I’m not even sure if I want to ask them about it because what if we come in on the same thing that I just said to Jonghyun; what if I can’t avoid telling them I’m constantly fragile, more or less? No, I can’t bring it up. Jonghyun might be strange and say nothing has changed even with that information but my ladies will not be the same. They are careful as it is already, they know I am fragile because we live together so it is hard to not notice but they don’t know the truth and that’s why I can continue work like this. What if I told them? “Hey, I might fall apart one day and not be able to continue, but it’s no big deal, don’t think about it”. They might decide to pause 5 Pieces, or create 4 Pieces, just so I won’t work too much. “What’s the pout about?” Too wrapped up in thoughts I hadn’t seen Maria sit down on the armrest next to me, which is insane because she is tall and skinny and like a shadow bending her back to have her face next to mine, to keep our conversation private. But I don’t trust that it will be kept private when I talk about Jonghyun so I take out my phone to write down that Jonghyun said he still loves me. Maria is as confused as everyone else about us. No one understands why we broke up, and when she takes my phone to write an answer I know she doesn’t understand what my pout means since she writes ‘why do you not want to get back together with him then?’ “I have told you why,” I mutter and write ‘not girlfriend material’ to her. Our leader gives me a stare. “Do you want a slap?” she asks, “Because if you use that again I will for sure slap you twice.” Ouch. Just the words hurt me like a slap. Kyung Ho looks at us over Emelia, making me push Maria’s leg to blame her for getting his attention. We don’t talk more about it; instead I get to lie down in the sofa to try getting some sleep – once again. This time I end up falling asleep. It takes time, but I must’ve fallen asleep because an hour is suddenly gone and when I wake up it is Maria’s voice I hear; “Up, up, up, up.” Hugging on to my pillow I turn around to look out in the room, seeing everyone is doing their usual thing but that Maria and Julia leave the room with Kyung Ho and some of the camera crew. I turn back to face the sofa’s backrest, picking up my phone. I don’t know why, but I expect Jonghyun to have texted me. He hasn’t. Why should he? He has no reason to do that. I sigh tiredly, stretching out in the sofa by myself. Someone has put a blanket over me too. I lie still for a few minutes before I sit up, my eyes barely open but my senses are waking up. I hear that Kyung Ho went with the others to go chat with U-Kiss and Jonghyun – I haven’t greeted U-Kiss, so I know I have to go do it later – and my crew is talking about lunch. Inkigayo airs early compared to other music programs in the week, so instead of dinner it is lunch we eat backstage. When the others come back we eat, normal lunch and also a cake because producer Park Hyekyung and Pete show up with a pretty cream and chocolate cake that we share. They are here to show support but we automatically start working: Hyekyung wrote the lyrics for [New Me] so we talk about KBS wanting to ban my song for live performances. During the day Manager Lee has been taking calls that say other broadcasting channels are thinking of the same, like Mnet and MBC, even KBS where we are now. By next week, starting tomorrow, South Korea’s broadcasting stations will not let me perform [New Me]. While eating cake, we are talking about what to do about it. Kyung Ho is quiet as we talk work. “It’s no big deal,” Hyekyung waves his hand; “We’ll fix the line they have trouble with and continue promotions.” “You want to change the song?” I ask, looking at him with big eyes. “It’s one line, Hannah,” Pete says. “It’s my favourite line,” Yong Hyun comments. “This line,” Emelia shows on her phone. She has taken up the lyrics for [New Me]. “It’s a simple one.” I pout. For the years we have worked in Korea I have never had to change the lyrics for anything, no choreography change and no word change. Apparently Koreans are sensitive to *I can kiss a boy and a girl*, and now they want us to change the part for broadcasting. “I have to record it too?” I whisper. “Yeah, we can do it quickly tonight after your schedule and have it done for tomorrow,” Hyekyung tells me with a glance at Manager Lee who nods. With a sigh I lean towards Kyung Ho for a few seconds. I can’t believe I actually have to change it. “The question is; what should we change?” Hyekyung asks me. “Do you have any ideas, Hannah? Since it is your song.” He does that again – saying it is my song when he made it. He did the same thing when Taemin gave me a call to ask if he could get the song [You and Me] for his solo, and he asked me for it because Hyekyung had said it was my song even if Hyekyung had made it. I have no ideas. We play the song, and I continue to look sad that we have to change it. The verse goes *I can kiss a boy and a girl – Someone play the music because we lost our mind*. How to change the first line? Should we change the whole line or just mix up the words, how should we do it? I sing the verse over and over again, using the same line that the broadcast stations want changed. Carolina comes with suggestions but I just repeat the same thing again. “She’s mad,” Emelia smiles happily because I keep repeating the verse over and over again with frustration. I don’t do it loudly, I do it quietly for myself. Something that Hyekyung suggests makes sense to us, a suggestion of a line, and Emelia says it differently, having Carolina say a completely other line. I think of it, how it would fit. *I can be whoever I want – Someone play the music because we lost our mind* “I want this one,” I say and write it down in bad Korean on a piece of paper. “‘I can be whoever I want’.” Emelia looks so proud at my suggestion. Hyekyung had said something similar, Emelia had too, but none of theirs says as much as the one I suggest. Because I am the one who has spent months practicing the song, I think I have learned to know it the best, and I know what message Hyekyung and I have worked on. “‘I can kiss a boy and a girl’ to ‘I can be whoever I want’,” Pete repeats the two lines and looks at Hyekyung. “That’s quite brilliant.” “It’s challenging,” Maria looks surprised. Hyekyung smiles at me. I am the only one looking upset though. We are changing the lyrics to my title song; it is not fun. “Is that alright?” I ask, looking at Hyekyung when reaching to get another bite of the cake. “Do you like it?” Hyekyung asks, taking the piece of paper we have been writing on. “Mm,” I mumble, looking at the cake since I am too upset to honestly speak up about how I feel since we already have talked about that. “It’s decided then,” Maria claps her hands together once, “Cake for everyone!” That everyone already have eaten of the cake makes us laugh at her excitement and Maria dives in to take another piece of the cake. We continue to talk about the change in the song while I have Chae Hwan help me out with the makeup – freshen it a bit – before I go out to greet the other performers, especially U-Kiss. After that it isn’t much time left until Inkigayo will start off. I don’t see Jonghyun, not even when I have done my interview live for Inkigayo on the stage do I see him. At the end of Inkigayo I head to the stage again with my dancers, because though both my performances are pre-recorded we are dancing for the live audience in the hall. Like always it makes me nervous, but I was on stage earlier for the brief interview so I have met the audience and it is a nice audience so it is more like coming back to a group of faces I have seen before, making me less nervous. The beauty is when we walk up on the stage, the audience starts cheering and when both my dancers and I bow to greet them, the cheer gets