Manager Lee is looking at me strangely when I sit down around the table on Thursday. He has been looking at me strangely all day but no matter how much it annoys me I haven’t looked at him or talked to him, knowing it would only mean he will ask me questions. How do I feel? I feel like Jonghyun left with my soul yesterday. I don’t even know what happened but I know he has gotten tired of me and has no patience left. It’s the same as always; I wear people out. I know that, so I can’t blame him. I love him but I can’t change the way I am. I don’t really want to think about it; though I keep thinking about it. I left home early in the morning. I went to the gym, a long session there ended and I visited Yong Hyun’s place a bit quick to try out some clothes for tomorrow’s music video filming and now I am eating lunch with my manager before I will go practice at the agency. Emelia noticed I was a bit off last night after Jonghyun has left, but that’s exactly why she thought I was a bit off; Jonghyun wasn’t there. In one way it’s true, but maybe they think I was a bit off because he couldn’t stay any longer while for me I was a bit off because … he left. “Did something happen?” Manager Lee nonchalantly asks me when I haven’t touched my food in a while, just poking it. I don’t have an appetite. I shake my head in respond, continuing to poke my food. “Are you still angry at me?” To that, I don’t answer. I am angry at him, but it feels like those feelings are like a tiny corn in a mountain of rocks and I can’t bother about it. Manager Lee nods though, saying I am angry at him. “You should know, Hannah, that I worry about you not just as your manager but as your friend too,” he tells me. “With your memory being messy and all of that, I-” “You’re done eating right?” I mutter and stand up, leaving my seat before he can continue. I don’t want to have this conversation, at least not now. I go to the van first, waiting by the door for my manager to come and as soon as he unlocks I open the door and get inside. I don’t sit down at the front; a van with seven seats and he is driving, I go sit in the corner seat at the back. He can’t see me from there and I am left alone. “You barely touched your food today,” Manager Lee points out when we are out on the road. He can talk all he wants, it’s not like I have to listen. “I understand if you’re nervous about tomorrow, but it’s not your first music video filming, right? Or is it something else that is worrying you?” Manager Lee’s voice keeps reaching me. He keeps talking. “Are you not sleeping alright? As I remember, Emelia’s … relatives are in your bedroom these days, right? Are you getting enough sleep?” I don’t know how many hours I have slept this week. Monday night was horrible because of the fight with Jonghyun, Tuesday night wasn’t much better because I kept thinking of him and wondering why he wasn’t answering my text message, this night I couldn’t sleep because each time I closed my eyes I saw Jonghyun’s face or felt his hand caress my cheek. I can still feel it. “Hannah, are you listening?” “Please shut up,” I mumble. He didn’t hear me. I look out the window with a pout, just to realise we are already at the agency. He must’ve talked for quite some time now. I wait for the van to stop, not being in a hurry to get out as Manager Lee gets out of the van first. I would have hurried out if he stayed and tried to talk to me. There aren’t a lot of people outside the agency today, so with the jacket warmly around me and the beanie on my head, I jump out of the van and head straight to the building’s doors with Manager Lee coming after me. I don’t know the code to the doors, and I step aside when no numbers comes to me to instead let Manager Lee open the doors. “If you won’t remember the entrance code you might want to write it down,” he mutters for me when we go inside. I had actually looked at the code earlier. I have it written on my phone. But once my eyes leave the phone I keep forgetting it. Not that I have to tell him that, so I just walk straight to the practice-room. Today I am wearing a drop-shoulder loose-fit denim shirt to a pair of leggings, and the reason for the beanie is because I was too uninterested to brush my messy hair. “Um, Hannah,” Manager Lee says behind me. “I don’t want to talk,” I mumble. “Fine then.” I glare at the floor at the way he says that, as if I will regret not letting him talk, but all I want is to overwhelm myself with practice and practice and even more practice. We reach the room while I think he could just go do something else, it’s not like I get lost inside the agency. With a sigh that he is following me I open the door, hearing noises inside I guess my teacher is already here, but when my eyes scan the room I only see one person worth seeing among those in there. “Oh.” “Hannah,” Jonghyun gasps at the sight of me. “Eh… I’m so sorry,” I apologize and bow in hope no one catches the grimace I made. I turn straight around, bumping into my manager before stumbling past him. It was the wrong room. I walked inside the wrong room and there he was. I blink hurrying away trying to figure out how he looked like, how to describe him in my head, but he just looked like he always looks – perfect. I was not prepared for that, to see him all of a sudden. But isn’t that the practice-room I am supposed to be in? A hand grabs a hold of my wrist and spins me around in such a surprise that I hold out my free hand to grab on to his jacket so I don’t loose my balance. “What the heck was that?” Manager Lee asks me, piercing his eyes into me and I quickly remove my hand from him. Crap. “Hannah, wait!” Double crap Manager Lee turns around and I see Jonghyun come up to us, his eyes on me and it starts itching in my heart. Jonghyun glances at my manager who lets go of my arm. “May I have a word with her?” Jonghyun asks him. Manager Lee looks at me, but I can’t look away from Jonghyun. “Hannah?” “Mm,” I mumble without opening my mouth. Manager Lee sighs. “The practice-room is downstairs, I’ll go there,” he tells me before walking off. As soon as he has left I look away from Jonghyun. It’s weird. Where do we stand? “I didn’t want that reaction,” Jonghyun mumbles and takes my hand, leading me away. “I knew it wasn’t the best way yesterday, there were still things to be said, but I couldn’t handle it then. Seeing you now, I have to fix it.” He pushes me inside a room and closes the door after him. Oh, I don’t want to be in a closed room with him. He is sweaty from practicing; he smells like a workaholic, he looks y staring at me once the door is closed behind him. I swallow nervously. Is he going to say it now? “I don’t want you to avoid me,” he starts saying after a while. He is controlling himself. He sounds so stiff. “That’s why… I need to explain myself. We can’t continue like this. I’m fading worrying about you all the time; I can’t stop worrying about you all the time. That’s why I made my decision. We … we will have to, do this, differently… somehow. I…… I can’t do this otherwise.” I nod, not understanding a single thing but I nod. “Okay,” Jonghyun breathes out, forcing out a smile to me. “That’s good… I guess. It’s just uh… uh…” It’s unlike Jonghyun to not know what to say, so I blink at him until he looks away from me, asking quietly; “Friends, then?” I nod again. Friends. Next thing I know I am in the practice-room below, starting my work. He wants to be friends, but he doesn’t want to worry about me. He can’t stand being close to me, can he? That’s right, I treated him badly, I didn’t talk to him or explain myself, I ignored him when I was too upset, I was the worst girlfriend. Yes, as friends it will be okay, he doesn’t have to look after me anymore. I’m not his to worry about. But that means he is not mine to worry about either. That’s what he was trying to say, wasn’t it? When nothing came out of him, he just said ‘uh’ trying to find the words until he gave up. He needs communication, more than what I can give him. I wonder if it is because of Manager Lee; if Jonghyun can’t stand that I’m keeping things from him, things I don’t want to talk about or let him know. Did he break up with me because I won’t let him in? Yes, I’m certain of that. He can’t trust me as a girlfriend unless I talk to him and I don’t want him to worry about me, that’s why I haven’t told him about my messy brain playing tricks on me and that’s why we can’t be together. Am I okay with that? Am I okay with Jonghyun not being mine? “FOCUS!” The sudden shout startles me away from my thoughts and I realise I am completely lost in the choreography, my teacher staring at me. “What’s wrong?” she asks me, arms crossed over her chest. I’m out of breath from practicing and I press my palm against my head to try easing the light headache I’m getting. “No, nothing’s wrong, I’m sorry,” I mutter and apologize, and I try to focus on my mirror-reflection when my teacher steps aside. “Again.” “Stay focused on your footwork, Hannah, they are a mess today,” she comments before playing the music. I am a mess today. I can’t stop being a mess today. And when Manager Lee comes for dinner I go hide in the bathroom on the top floor until I have to go back to practice. He is waiting in there for me but I ignore him completely, and my teacher doesn’t bother as she guesses I have eaten without my manager because she thinks the two of us are fighting. A few hours later, Manager Lee has come and gone a few times. My teacher leaves and I practice by myself for a bit, wondering if Jonghyun is still here but guessing he isn’t because it’s Christmas. Christmas… “Look at this,” Manager Lee comes inside the room with a smile, carrying a black plastic bag almost my height. “Christmas presents from Puzzle. I got four more in the van for the ladies.” He drops the plastic bag down on the floor, pushing it against the wall and sighs as if it was tiring to carry it here. Stupid, he could’ve taken it to the van like the other things. “Oppa,” I mumble though, not looking directly at him but watching him through the mirror-reflection to see him look at me since I am actually talking to him (that’s a first for today). “Don’t you have any Christmas plans?” I hadn’t thought of it before. Well, I had, but not today. He is where I am, he is working when I am and when I’m just going somewhere he is there too; he came yesterday with Lim Santa, and today when it is Korea’s official day to celebrate Christmas – on Christmas Day, not on Christmas Eve like we did yesterday. He shouldn’t be following me around today. Manager Lee smiles though. “Mom told me to go on a date for Christmas, so I’m glad I could tell her I’ll be busy working.” That makes my mood drop though, because if I ever meet his mother she will blame me for his lack of love-life. He sees that my thoughts of him changes because he smirks. “I could’ve treated you to something delicious for dinner,” he teases, “But I guess going through your presents was delicious enough for me.” Honestly, I don’t know what that means, and I feel like a child when he asks me to look through the presents he has brought because I stomp over to take a present from the bag and sit down. Manager Lee sits down on the floor with me, sitting ready with the next present while I open the first one. I keep pouting because of him, because of me, and because of Jonghyun. I’m not going to cry though. I receive a bed set, a picture of it shows it is a pretty set in white and light purple with simple pattern on it. “It’s pretty,” Manager Lee comments. I take the second present without a word, getting annoyed at him. He is trying to lighten the mood, but he only makes me more annoyed. Why did he have to show up yesterday and make a scene with Jonghyun around? Why did I in first place tell him that my memory isn’t that good, that I can out of nowhere forget something extremely simple? And why does he have to bring it up all the time? I want to blame him for how things have turned out between Jonghyun and me, but I can’t be that cruel to him; I know it’s my fault and my fault only. “Hannah…?” My eyes lower when he says my name and I pout even more. I keep spacing out. I don’t know why I keep doing it. Did my expression change a lot for my manager to say my name in that miserable tone? He sighs, probably noticing that the second he said my name the wall fell up between us again. He leans back on his hands, I don’t want to look up to know what his expression is like; if he is looking at me or somewhere else. “Your phone has been awfully quiet today,” he comments. That’s it. He comments on things that are none of his business and I can’t take it, but I don’t start sc