Japan has always felt like a safe place to get away to, even if it is for work. It feels like a place where I am treated well, a place where I am always welcomed to and now it is a place where 5 Pieces will get together to record new music. When I arrive on Sunday evening the other ladies have been recording during the day (Maria has still not arrived from America but she will come in the morning), meaning when I first arrive in Japan it is only work waiting for me alone. Emelia and Julia are out meeting friends and Carolina is at the hotel, and I am alone in the recording studio with the staff. Speaking Japanese is no trouble for me so Manager Jiji and Manager Song (who works with us in Japan) are getting the chance to talk while I am working. Manager Jiji wasn’t planned to come with me to Japan at first but since Manager Lee will attend a meeting tomorrow in my place, they changed so Manager Song is helping by going through tons of things with the new manager who I have barely spoken to. At least I remember his name now. Singing last year’s hit track [Girls Power] in Japanese is strange and awkward, it feels unnatural during the recording because I am used to singing the song in Korean. I am distant and I just want to meet my members while I’m in the studio, which means I have to finish the recording. It is two songs I have to record and after the Japanese version of [Girls Power] there is a new Japanese ballad called [You Know]. It goes faster recording these two songs because there are four other members singing in them too, I like it. Tomorrow morning we will record a third song, Maria will be here then and while I head back to Korea, Maria will record the two songs I am recording now. As soon as I am done with the recording I am thanking everyone for their hard work; Manager Jiji is repeating my words politely and I guess I will have to do the Japanese conversations with him around. Not much Japanese words are said for me with manager Song around as the Japanese speaking manager comes with us to the hotel; even check us in for our rooms so not even then do I have to speak much. I have a room by myself, as all the ladies have, though I do get the other room numbers by our manager since I ask for it so after leaving my bag in my room I head out to know on the doors. I have been wearing the cosy pullover gray dress since I left Inkigayo, I keep it on now too when I knock on the hotel door. “I am coming, I am coming~” someone sings on the other side of the door when I have knocked a few times. She is nearing the door and a smile grows in my face at the voice. Carolina seems to be in a good mood. “Yes, yes,” she says in Japanese as the door opens and I happily stretch out my hands as if I am surprising her. “Hello, friend!” I greet her and I start laughing when Carolina gives out a squeal of happiness before embracing me for way too many seconds. “HANNAH!” she screams in my ear. “You’re here! When did you arrive?! And you come to see me??? I am so happy! Everyone else is out, they left me here, I am so happy you’re here! I saw you won on Inkigayo too, how proud I am!” She talks so much, but I just laugh at her and follow her inside her room. It’s like finding my way back home, after being lost with work and Kyungho and Jonghyun these days I am finally with someone to wants to embrace me no matter what. “What were you doing?” I ask. Inside the hotel-room she has unpacked her bag so half the bed is filled with things, but it doesn’t look like she is using any of it at the moment. It’s messy but at the same time her things look categorised. “Ha, I was resting a bit,” Carolina laughs on her own, scratching the back of her head and I see that the empty side of the bed has been used. “You’re sleeping this early?” I ask with a frown, taking a seat on the chair she has in the room. A double bed, desk, chair, armchair, a bathroom and bedside tables: that is what the hotel room has to offer. It is the same room I have. “I was bored…” Carolina mutters as she sits down in the bed and rests her back against the pillows. “I thought I was going back home tomorrow so I didn’t bring anything useful with me – turns out we’ll be here until Wednesday.” “Wednesday?” I burst out. “Don’t we just have tomorrow’s recording?” I have a full schedule though. Tomorrow it is Monday, I will have half the day fan-signings in Busan and Daegu after recording here in Japan, on Tuesday I will film for Sketchbook and do a performance for The Show, maybe some interviews too… What are we doing in Japan? I haven’t seen that on my schedule. I stay in Carolina’s room for a while, we talk about the day’s recording but I don’t talk to her about Kyungho and Jonghyun. Carolina isn’t the friend I talk to about that, we talk of other things instead. We mostly talk about Japan, recording, music, my week of winning on music programs – I have won all week on music programs in Korea, a sort of all-kill, but I don’t want to talk about that so instead we talk about the wedding we will attend next Saturday. The pianist, who has worked with us since 2013 at our first arena tour in Japan, is getting married on Saturday. She is a year younger than us; she is the pianist for whenever I perform [I CRY] and though I am happy for her, she asked if I could sing on her wedding. For an idol to sing at a wedding it can get very expensive to pay for, but Gayoon works for SM Entertainment and it is good publicity for 5 Pieces by attending a wedding together; Gayoon doesn’t have to pay. As a friend, we have made that work. Carolina is excited to attend the wedding too though she won’t be performing, and she helps me practice the song in the hotel room. Gayoon wants me to sing an English song called [Truly Madly Deeply], a song she herself has a very cute story connected to by being one of the first songs she learned to play on the piano and also a song with lyrics she connects to the wedding. It is a sweet love song that I do think fits the wedding, so I am very happy to have Carolina help me out with it. [Truly Madly Deeply] doesn’t have high notes that I tend to use, it is so much softer than the way I sing; Carolina do help me a lot when we practice it together. That’s what Carolina and I do; music. One thing leads to another and when mentioning our schedule, she wants to know what I will perform at Sketchbook on Tuesday’s recording. One cover has been decided on; I chose it during the week when listening through a bunch and a bunch of different songs on YouTube, going through new songs and nostalgia tracks and finally choosing on Jessie J’s [Price Tag]. I can’t figure out how I come on to listening to that song, but listening to it I heard the lyrics and the message and it wasn’t much hesitation that I want to perform that song. I haven’t decided how to perform it other than I want to sing it, so we’ll see at tomorrow’s practice. Carolina likes the song too; she even directs it for me when I say I don’t know how to perform it. Like always, having a lady around makes me feel better. I am gaining energy just talking to Carolina even if it is about work; she helps me out, sorts out work issues in my head and just like that over two hours pass by. We don’t know when the others come back to the hotel: if they are still out when I leave Carolina’s room or if they have come back, either way I don’t bother as I don’t want to interrupt if they turn out to be out having fun. In my room I wash up and prepare for bed. I fall asleep quickly, my head spinning with a lot of thoughts and just when I thought I would get a good night of sleep, I wake up. I wake up countless of times during the night, I am restless but I fall asleep quickly again just to wake up in confusion of what times it is and I continue like that the whole night. Kyungho was still upset after Inkigayo, I couldn’t find a way to ease his mood and while I thought I could run to Japan and focus on other things I am worried that he will want to talk to me but I will be out of reach. At the same time, Jonghyun’s words are piercing their way through my heart; what he said about abroad promotion and about being unable to answer text messages, the way you feel a large distance growing between you because of the flight hours that keep you apart. I know exactly what he was talking about, and I know very well that Kyungho is selfish like children are when it comes to how they feel. Kyungho wants me nearby, in reach to talk to me when he wants help with acting or just someone who listens to him. He wants his sister to be around. And it is difficult when I am working abroad, he knows that, and I know he has had a comfort in knowing Jonghyun is still there somewhere; both that I have Jonghyun and that he has Jonghyun. But not anymore. Six in the morning I am staring at my phone. I don’t even remember waking up; all I remember is that I am staring at my phone. I think I am waiting for Jonghyun to text me, I don’t know why I am waiting for that. Twenty minutes later it knocks on my door. Manager Jiji is up early to make sure I am getting ready, and he waits outside while I hurry get dressed. I didn’t have a large bag like Carolina with me to Japan, just my simple faux-lather tote fitting everything I need. I probably go against a lot of idol rules by pulling on the same dress as I wore yesterday, but I will wear this for a few hours before changing clothes in Korea. The first thing on my schedule today is to record the new song. We eat breakfast too, just Manager Jiji and me, and I am quietly eating breakfast with him as I am not a chatty person in the morning. Manager Jiji doesn’t talk much either, he ask me two questions about how to say things in Japanese, other than that we are both extremely quiet. I am kind of quiet in the studio too, I warm up my voice and we go through my parts. After we have been recording for some time, Manager Jiji is filming. Manager Lee told him to bring the camera with him to film for my DVD, though I don’t think they will use this, I don’t tell him to stop as he was given this assignment from Manager Lee. “What are you filming for?” the producer asks when I come out of the booth. “The camera, you mean?” I ask in Japanese, as the producer is Japanese. I point at the camera and he nods, smiling as he turns around in his chair. “It is for my concert DVD; they want me to film a lot.” “Aah…” the producer smiles and I smile at Manager Jiji who doesn’t speak Japanese. “I wondered what it could be for; you will film all day or just parts of the day?” “Um… parts of the day, I guess,” I tell him and sit down on the chair I have been sitting on. “I’m going to Korea after this so I don’t know what I will film.” “That’s why we are working so early in the morning,” he says and looks at Manager Jiji, continuing to say; “Hannah’s voice is good even in the morning.” I laugh at his sudden compliment for the camera and out of embarrassment I ask if we should continue with the recording. My recording is done before the members arrive, so we sit down outside the studio in a sofa and I am looking through notes on the tablet. I still have a group recording to do before we will head to the airport after lunch, so now I just wait for the ladies to come. I have taken off my sneakers to sit with socks in the sofa, leaning with my side against the backrest and I have the tablet resting against my legs. Manager Jiji asks if he can film again, just to have something to do, yet when he focus the camera on me I put my hand up to cover my face with a laugh. “I should put on some makeup,” I tell him. I have the basic cream on and I have drawn my eyebrows lightly but nothing else so I do look to have no makeup on. Manager Jiji doesn’t say anything though. He doesn’t talk when the camera is rolling. So I guess he wants me to talk. I put down my hand and lean my head against the backrest, my hands covered in the sleeves. “Maria came early in the morning to the hotel,” I tell both camera and manager. “She texted me at five saying she is going to sleep, so … she has gotten a few hours of sleep.” Without really knowing what to say, I start grimacing at the camera. “Oppa, are you filming correctly?” I ask my manager. He stops filming to show me what he has been filming since we arrived. He watches it too, and in the end we both come to the conclusion that he shouldn’t film. I take the camera instead; sitting comfortably in the sofa again I turn the screen around to be able to film myself. “Yes,” I say as it starts filming, I’m not really sure where to watch at first when I am checking if it is really filming, that I am filming from the right angle and so on. “My manager was filming strangely so … we’ll see if I can film better. I am in Japan now, for a few more hours before I will go back to Korea… And … I am waiting for the ladies to come because they got to sleep a bit longer. I haven’t met them much lately because of my promotions so last night when I came, I was in Carolina’s room chatting for a long time. I am enjoying my promotions really a lot, but it is fun to work with 5 Pieces.” I am grimacing during the last sentence and I glance behind the camera at my manager. He is sitting at the other end of the sofa with his phone now, my bag and jacket is between us, warming my toes. While thinking of what to say, some voices enters the room and the Japanese staff coming by us greet me politely so I lower my head and greet them back, my manager awkwardly greets too. Looking at the camera I give another grimace before I hear another voice. “Someone’s coming,” I say and turn the camera around. “This voice can be recognized anywhere… aaah… here she comes! HI!!!” Maria points a finger at me as soon as I greet her; it is the camera she is pointing at. “How dare you film me at this confusing time of the day?” Maria asks and walks straight up to me before abruptly coming to a stop and she takes a twirl, holding on to the long collarless coat in white she is wearing. “What’ya think, baby? Brand new and gorgeous, don’t you think?” As stylish as ever, Maria is showing off her skinny figure in a ribbed knit crop top underneath the coat to a high-waist long skirt that makes her look taller than what she already is, and she fills up her style with a black beanie for her shoulder-long blonde hair. She do look like she has just arrived from New York, stylish and no makeup, she is flawless as a human being in my eyes. I laugh thought when Emelia comes up to me and starts ruffling my hair to a mess before I can give Maria an answer, then she leans over me to take the camera and ask if I am filming because I am bored without us, then it gets too loud around me as Julia comes too and Maria still wants to know how gorgeous her outfit is on a scale from one to a thousand. “Maria punched me earlier,” Julia lets me know; “She got so excited hearing we’ll eat sushi for lunch tat she threw her arms around again.” “Again, what’s that supposed to mean? And you were the one stepping in my way. Baby, these ladies are saying you are heading back to Korea, what the heck is that bull?” Manager Song turns off the camera as voices are colliding, but he does well because the language is getting out of hand – I love it. 5 Pieces is together again. Carolina is quiet, not even trying to say a word, and I am smiling from one face to another before I randomly hug Julia a bit weakly. But we aren’t like that for long: we start working pretty much right away, I barely get to hear anything of what Maria has to say about her New York trip before I am done with my recording and I leave for Korea. I don’t get to say anything either; about Jonghyun, about Kyungho. I am coming back tomorrow after Sketchbook, as it turns out we are having dance practice in Japan. Before I know it I am getting out of the car, entering the airport with the camera in my hand as I continue the filming. The DVD staff will be satisfied if I film a lot, even if it isn’t good it will be something. “I don’t know how I am here,” I say as I film the fans waving to me at the airport from a distance