“I’ll stay,” Jonghyun mutters to me. I like that. He leans his head forward to glance down at me and I hide myself in his arm. “Are you done crying?” I shake my head though I hope I am done crying. He pats my head for some reason, I like it. “What were you thinking, Nabi,” Jonghyun mutters, but it sounds like he is smiling, “Crying all alone in here while everyone’s sleeping?” It’s not funny, not for me, that I was crying by myself when he came, it’s pathetic, actually, but even knowing that I start crying again. I miss him so much. It’s like whenever we talk there is a barrier we need to keep up, something that hasn’t existed before when we were a couple but now need to not say certain things. We try to be like nothing has changed while everything has changed – we aren’t together anymore, and going back to being friends isn’t easy at all. It’s like everything is too mixed up for that. I hate that I love him, I do, and a part of me really doesn’t like that he keeps bring around me like this, keeps showing up and the way he says ‘nabi’ to me sounds too natural and wonderful. Why did he come here? Why does he have to show up perfectly perfect for me all the time? If he would stop being perfect and stop coming when I need him, maybe things would go easier. If Jonghyun got mad and angry at me for being a terrible girlfriend it would be easier too. “Only you can see me like this,” I mumble after minutes of crying. “That’s why I cry alone.” “Hm…” Jonghyun sounds to be thinking, nodding a bit and I can feel his muscles move under the clothes of the arm I am hugging on to. “You mean … the only person you can mourn in front of is me?” “Mourn,” I mutter and turn my forehead against his arm. My grandfather is dead. I hadn’t meant my grandparents when talking to him, I meant him; the boyfriend I no longer have. “Okay.” “Okay?” Jonghyun sounds surprised at my choice of word. I can see his hand next to me and I move automatically to look up at him when his hand touches my chin. He is frowning at me, staring into my eyes with confusion and all I can think about is that I have some great things to take care of before I can try getting him back as mine. The way I am now, I am not good for him. But I want him as mine: what do I need to change for the better to be good enough, to be his girlfriend again? What parts of me can I change for him? Can I even do that: can I … can I learn to express myself better, and trust him the way he needs? My eyes close when his thumb caresses my cheek. The touch is soft and I want to look again because I am certain he is still looking at me but his touch is nice and I just want to whine at the spell making me unable to ignore his touch. He leans in closer, I can feel it, and I get nervous as I feel that. He presses his lips below my right eye. It’s the tears, he kisses away my tears. I don’t know what stupid part of me does it but a part of me takes over to turn my head away from him. I turn away and it hurts. I feel so stupid when I lean away from Jonghyun; he pauses his movements and I stare out in nowhere wondering what we are doing. “Sorry,” Jonghyun whispers. I lower my head and wipe the tears left in my face, not in a pretty way. “Don’t be…” I mumble. “Ugh… What am I doing, Jonghyun?” “What are you doing, Hannah?” he asks me, not knowing what I mean. I move away from the wall and spin around to stare at him, biting my lip as he looks back at me. My lip is salty from the tears. “I’m horrible,” I tell him. I close my eyes when feeling the tears sting in my eyes again, returning and making me furious at myself. “I am horrible towards you.” “Towards me?” his light tone says he did not expect this to be about him. What does he think; that I am a mess only because my grandfather has passed away? “Yes, towards you,” I say with a pout, looking at him. “Did I ever do anything right when we were together? What am I even doing now? We broke up, Jonghyun, but I feel the best whenever you are here. I shouldn’t feel that. I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t lean on you this much. I tell myself that you are the most perfect man I will ever meet, and I know I don’t deserve you, but I am so happy around you that everything I tell myself is pushed to the side.” I stop talking with a whine, not sure what I am saying. Jonghyun puts a hand in his face, rubbing his forehead and taking his fingers through his hair – everything he does is worth watching. “I’m sorry,” I cry out at him, the tears I keep pushing back coming again. “I never treated you well, I don’t even know how to. I don’t think I’ll ever know-” “You’re not making any sense.” It surprises me, those words he says, because I thought I ended up speaking perfectly sense. Jonghyun doesn’t look like he agrees though. “A relationship isn’t about doing things perfectly, Hannah. Being in love makes you do stupid things, things that aren’t perfect.” He pauses to wipe his fingers over his eyes. “I have known you for years, Hannah, I know you. And I know that you have always treated me well – as a friend, as a girlfriend, even as a colleague, you are always doing well. Yes, you make mistakes, but its mistakes and nothing else. You …” He sighs and shifts position on the floor. “Do you remember our first year together?” I frown, wondering what he means. “Do you remember the first time you said that you love me?” Jonghyun asks, but he doesn’t wait for an answer; “I waited a long time to hear you say those words, I said those words to you and meant it for a long time before you could say it to me. I waited, Hannah, because I knew that you were trying.” “Trying isn’t enough, Jonghyun.” “It is for me.” “No, it’s not.” “I couldn’t handle the lies, Hannah,” Jonghyun sighs, “I was going crazy with that, I kept having these thoughts in my head where I’m not good enough for you and that something serious was going to happen.” “I haven’t changed since-” “I think you have.” “No, you don’t,” I tell him, getting upset at him. “You broke up with me, Jonghyun.” “And I have said that I regret it.” “It doesn’t change anything.” “Why doesn’t it? You just said all these things, Hannah. You look at me as if I am the only person on this planet, you-” “I know how I feel, Jonghyun, but I’m not good for you.” He is quiet for a few seconds, just staring at me. “I’m the one who messed it up,” he whispers, looking at me as if he is the one who has done something wrong. He shakes his head. “I shouldn’t have broken up with you, we could’ve talked about it or-” “You waited four years, you should have done it sooner,” I interrupt him and there is this flare in his eyes when he looks at me again. “It’s true, Jonghyun. You weren’t happy with me, you didn’t get what you needed and that’s why we kept fighting. You need a girl who can take care of you, someone who your mother likes and so-” “Don’t say those things again!” “But it’s the truth!” He quickly takes both hands through his hair in frustration before pushing himself off the wall to get on his knees in front of me, crawling a bit forward to grab my face in his hands and all the emotions by the space that’s not longer between us and his hands holding on to me, his eyes focused on mine, it all overwhelms me, making it hard to breathe. “I just want to be with you.” “Until I’m not enough,” I breathe out at him. I can’t give him, I can’t have him. “No,” he shakes his head in frustration, “No, Hannah, no. You’re more than enough. Maybe that’s why things turned out the way it did. Maybe it isn’t you at all; maybe it’s just me who get scared.” Okay, that makes me really confused. “You, scared?” I almost smile at the thought. “Yes. Scared. Me.” Jonghyun is serious his eyes scans over my face and I want to put some distance between us to not see him this close up, all serious and breathtaking, but I sit still with his hands holding my face. “I have been depressed this whole month. The stress is eating me up, Hannah, and the album isn’t the reason for that. I eat but I keep loosing weight because I am miserable without you. I keep thinking of you, I keep- I keep going crazy thinking that if I let you go, you will get out of my reach. Right now I feel how you leave me, putting distance between us. You … you scare me, Hannah. The thought of you leaving is terrifying for me. I got frightened and I had to give you excuses so I wouldn’t seem weak, and I did what I thought was good for us both.” He has started to cry, his nose is running and he sounds scared just telling me this. I have no idea what he means; how could I scare him, and what excuses? He holds my face tighter, the tips of his fingers touches my skin as he looks at me. “Just that,” he whispers, closing his eyes and rests his forehead against mine. “That look you have now shows how naïve you are. Not about me, this time.” “What are you talking about?” He sits down in front of me, the air gets cold against my cheeks when his hands leave and I am fast to take his hand in mine to feel his warmth. “Jonghyun, what are you talking about?” I ask again, having no clue at all what he is saying. He wet his lips with his tongue, looking down at my hand desperately holding on to his in the panic of the sudden coldness on my skin. “You’re a superstar now, Hannah…” “I’m a-what? What does that-” “Listen to me,” he whispers, closing his eyes and holding on to my hand tightly. I shut my mouth with a pout, frowning with confusion. “5 Pieces is recognized worldwide, you are recognized worldwide. I’m still just me.” “I’m just me too,” I frown, a bit angry at those words. “I’m the same.” “I know that. As a person, you are the same. But your status is not.” I don’t like where this is going, I don’t like what he is saying at all. Even holding on to his hand can’t keep me warm as I think of what he is saying. “You will go across the world, Hannah, and I still stay here. It won’t take long until you are an international superstar, having to live somewhere else most time of the year, you will have parties with One Direction and drink with Ed Sheeran. It scares me so much.” I don’t understand at all. I don’t think I would be drinking with Ed Sheeran, and partying with One Direction is something I already have done. “Where do you want to go with this?” I ask. “Because I don’t understand it…” “You’ll forget me,” Jonghyun answers. His eyes meeting me now and it’s almost like a shockwave hitting me; he looks so sad. All the confidence he tends to show me, showing off who he is, that Jonghyun is not sitting in front of me now. “You will see the world and meet these incredible men-” “Are you stupid?” I ask and I almost laugh at him. I start smiling at the thought hat he has been thinking this, that his confidence has left to tell me this. “Stupid. You think I will move away from Korea and forget you? Or that 5 Pieces will become America’s favourite?” “That’s exactly what I’m thinking. That’s exactly what everyone in this country thinks. It’s been going on since [Daze], Hannah, you haven’t seen it. Everyone’s talking about it,” he says and he seems to believe it so well, making me just laugh at him. “Don’t laugh, Hannah. I have been scared of this for a long time.” “I don’t get it though,” I tell him, “Why are you scared?” “Because, you will meet all these men that are much more man than what I am!” Jonghyun answers in a high voice as if it is obvious. My expression must make him annoyed because he lets go of my hand and tries to wave this off. “No, Jonghyun, wait,” I giggle when he is about to get up on his feet. I grab his arm so he won’t leave. “I don’t know where the future will take me as part of 5 Pieces, and I don’t have much experience of men in general, but I do know that wherever I go in the world, Seoul will be my home and it will be the place I always will return to. I have no interest in men, Jonghyun, if it isn’t you. And I’m not naïve thinking that.” I smile at his expression. I have felt horrible towards him, but to hear this makes me smile. He has been thinking I would become international and forget him. That’s something to laugh over. Yet, as the words I just say starts to sink in I realise something; I am saying the wrong words. It sounds like I can’t live without him, that my love for him is complete. I can’t have him think that! We have broken up, remember? I almost start slapping myself as I remember where we stand. I am still me, I am still the bad girlfriend I always have been and whether he says it was excuses to leave me without saying he got scared, those excuses are still my reality. I am not good for him. It’s true that I don’t want to try fall in love in someone else. I have been insecure for too long; can I take him in my arms and hold him there, certain I can express myself? No, I can’t do that. “I am not girlfriend material,” I tell him after my mind has been messily telling me that. “You are perfect material for me.” I shake my head at him. “I’m not, at least not now,” I tell him and his eyes look so sad at me. My heart is breaking watching him, and my tears are knives in my eyes. “I can’t be with you, Jonghyun.” “Don’t say that,” he grimaces, looking like he is going to start crying. But I need to tell him, to stop this – to stop us. “We can’t continue like this, Jonghyun,” I breathe out. And I suddenly feel so tired thinking of how angry he was at me around Christmas, how I ignored his calls for a whole day because of an article. I am so tired. I love this man, I love him so much, but I need us both to step away from each other, to just … to just stop stressing ourselves up over everything. “I don’t want us to continue fighting, to be jealous and have arguments and everything else there is. We need to get away from each other.” “Because that has worked so well the past month, you think?” He is upset. “One month after four years, what do you expect?” I ask him. “But Jonghyun, seriously, how would things be if we got back together? We won’t have time to see each other, we will just miss each other, then an article will come out saying I was talking to someone so I am probably dating that person… we will have a fight and things will just go back to that. It’s not the way I want us to be.” Jonghyun is touching his pants with his fingers, I don’t know if he is just being upset or if he is in deep thoughts. He is snivelling, and his hand goes up to wipe his face from tears. I wipe my own tears when realising I am also crying. But I keep my head straight, I am not giving in to my own feelings, I need to focus; I think of when he called me that night after I had ignored his calls the whole day. The anger in his voice when he told me to go outside, but it was when he pushed me against the wall to scream at me in the anger that I got scared. I need to hold on to that feeling, to find a flaw in him and hold on to that tiny thing. “Is that what you want?” he asks after a few minutes. Is it really what I want? Do I want us to part ways? Do I … I don’t know, do I not want him? I want him, I know that, but I don’t want us like this. I am too messy for him, and like he has said; love makes you do crazy things.  I take my hands through my hair, and then I start rubbing my face. “Yes,” I force out of me after leaving his question in the air. We sit there for some time, not saying anything else. We don’t get closer to each other either, we just sit there, glancing at each other and wiping tears. Four years, we have been a couple. We have gone through so much together, I have liked him since I met him and I fell in love with him without even knowing I